Guide to a Safe Cross Country Road Trip

Well, the sad and happy news in my life is that my other sister Liz and my brother in law Simon, are packing up the car, taking a cross country road trip and moving to San Francisco! Emmy Doomas and I will be sad, but I felt that despite my sadness I could at least offer up some safe road trip advice. Namely, a guide of destinations to avoid at all costs. We all know that horror movies are always true despite being works of fiction, so in honor of this impending road trip here is a list of places that you should always avoid while taking a cross country road trip.

Anywhere in Maine

Since half of all horror movies are originally penned by Stephen King, and since Stephen King hails from Maine this means that approximately 85% of all scary things that happen in this world happen in Maine. Don't worry, I double checked my math twice. Since these places in Maine are often times fictional or because I don't feel like looking up exactly where, it's just easier if you stay away from Maine entirely. Luckily for Liz I don't think they will be making any pit stops directly opposite of where they want to go so she should be safe. But for all you other people, steer clear from Maine and especially places called Salem's Lot,

or, places where an unusually thick mist tends to spring up.

Old New England Towns

Since we are from New England, Liz and Simon will most likely not be stopping somewhere so close to home but on the off chance that they do--they should clearly stay away from the fictional town of Dunwich. You may have notice that because Dunwich is fictional that it also probably doesn't exist. This is a lie because we all know that fact often hides beneath fiction in the trickiest of ways. Just like staying far away from all parts of Maine, you should also, just to be safe, stay away from any old New England town where a priest may have hung himself and opened the gates of hell.

You never know.

West Virginia

West Virginia is a terrible kind of place. No offense to anyone who lives there (or any buddies of mine from there) but I heard a rumor that there are sometimes inbred mutants living in the backwoods. My friend Eliza Dushku confirms this as she tells me that she narrowly escaped with her life, while her friends were brutally killed and probably eaten.

Another reason to stay away from West Virginia is that the Mothman has been rumored to make a few appearances, which occasionally leads to major disasters. See? A terrible kind of place.

Pleasant Valley, Georgia and also just Georgia.

Although the South is a nice place sometimes, there is the occasional problem you could run into to with a town of ghosts that kill people from the North to make up for all the southerners that got killed during the Civil War.

These ghosts will pose as people who like to reenact the Civil War, but don't believe them. Whether you arrive there in the 60s or present day you should be very vigilant when arriving in any town that still believes the Confederacy to be alive. Additionally, while in Georgia do not under any circumstances take a white rapids canoe jaunt on any river. Backwoods hicks live here too, and despite their good banjo playing skills,

they may just want to do really mean things to you, probably involving squealing like a pig. Don't say I didn't warn you.

New Orleans

I know that New Orleans is difficult to avoid because it is such a fun place but it is the birth place of maniac Victor Crowley.

The best way to avoid him and his swampy wrath is to never go on a haunted swamp tour. Just don't do it. Why would you want to go exploring a stinky and gross swamp anyways? Stick to the main roads, and don't go messing with voodoo either. Also, never take a job as a nurse to a mute old man where mirrors are not allowed in the house. Very, very bad idea.

Texas

I don't know about you, but rural areas of Texas seem like the worst idea on the planet. One viewing of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre is all you need to keep you far away from there.

Not only are there maniac, chainsaw wielding cannibalistic families in Texas, but also just maniac families in general and sometimes Dr. Satan.

Honestly, just stick to big crowds.

Kansas

One word--tornadoes. Naturally tornadoes are a threat almost anywhere in the middle of the country but since I only associate tornadoes with Kansas, then it makes sense that you should stay away from Kansas. Just because Dorothy got lucky and was transported to OZ on her tornado, doesn't mean you will.

Nebraska

I know avoiding all corn fields in Nebraska may be a hard thing to do, but just try. Not only could there be alien crop circles in these corn fields but satanic children who want to sacrifice you to some weird corn god are lurking! Stay far away and especially far away from creepy man children named Isaac.

Snowflake, Arizona

One would think that Roswell New Mexico would be on this list, but since only true things happen in movies, Fire in the Sky takes precedence. According to Travis Walton, aliens abducted him and did scary things involving anal probes and other things that aliens do.

I should also point out that this film was based on a true story or a true account rather of Travis Walton which means a double dosage of do not go here ever in your lifetime. Unless anal probes are your thing, no judgment.

Nevada

Nevada can be tricky. On the one hand Nevada houses Las Vegas, where the neon lights are bright and prostitutes run amok. On the other hand...you could get yourself into a bit of a scrap with the Hills Clan if you are driving through the desert and then get into a car accident.

To be safe, I would avoid Nevada entirely since most of it is desert. Plus you also run the risk of picking up a hitch hiker that looks suspiciously like Nomi Malone.

Mulholland Drive, Los Angeles (SPOILER ALERT)

Weird things happen on Mulholland Drive. One day you could be living your life and then get into a car accident and forget everything.

You'll go on an endless and strange hunt for who or what you are only to find that you are a burnt out, crack pot, lesbian who got her heart broken. Plus a scary man hides behind dumpsters and little old people live in paper bags and cackle at you.

If you find a weird blue key, throw it away! You've come too far on this road trip to have your entire life and trip be a figment of your imagination.

and if you've followed my advice.......

You made it!!

Enjoy the one place that it's safe to go.

The Tanner's house.

Popular Sayings Explained Through Horror Movies

I'm pretty famous for using a saying incorrectly. Usually in front of a lot of people resulting in embarrassment and hurt feelings. Hey, it happens. In order to prevent this from happening anymore than it does, I've decided to give a few lessons. Not only are sayings neat because most of them are hilarious, but finding out their origins is fascinating as well. Since this is a horror blog and not a bo-ring blog however, I've decided to spice things up and teach each saying by using an example from a horror movie. These first few are pretty standard unless your name is Andre Dumas and you are dumb. Perhaps in the next lessons we will jazz things up with some lesser known sayings to make things a little more challenging for all you normal, smart people.

THE BEES KNEES

Excellent. The highest quality.

This saying in particular is the one that I had been using incorrectly for the better part of my life. I always thought the bees knees was something bad. Something really crappy would happen to me, like America's Next Top Model would be a repeat, or my delivery order would be screwed up and I would ball up my fists, furrow my brows and exclaim... "Errrrr well that's just the bees knees!" On the off chance that I was with people while uttering this saying, I would obviously be met with confused stares. It's not my fault that this saying doesn't make any sense. What's so great about the bees knees? Do bees even have knees? Sorry for being logical, but bees sting you and if they do have knees (which I doubt it) then I doubt they are very great. Therefore I made the connection that bees are bad which by default means the bees knees are bad.

Well, we can't win them all and sadly I was very wrong. Apparently this saying comes from the (maybe incorrect) theory that bees would store nectar behind their knees. In order to explain this saying using a horror movie I will use an antonym.

The Wicker Man Remake is NOT the bees knees.



Things that are the bees knees:

The Donald

Suspiria

Cats that wear party hats

BITE THE BULLET
Accept the inevitable impending hardship and endure the resulting pain with fortitude.



This is an interesting origin and one that many of us may have heard incorrectly. Originally it was thought that the phrase comes from the idea that in time of war when there was no anesthetic or what have you, soldiers would bite down on bullets as a way to sort of hide the pain of getting ligaments amputated off. Recent evidence has disproved this theory by saying that it is more likely that this phrase was originally, "bite the billet" and that it was changed to bullet. A billet is a wooden stick, which seems much more likely to have been bitten down on, apparently. For more information observe this awesome site.



In terms of horror movies, the most obvious one that comes to mind is Martyrs





Clearly, Anna accepted the inevitable and endured the pain with fortitude. Clearly.





BAD EGG
Someone or something that disappoints expectations.


Hopefully like me, other people immediately think of the baddest egg on the block when they hear this phrase. Apparently this phrase comes from the disappointment that often ensues when shelling a boiled egg and finding the egg to be bad. I'm not sure how excited the average person gets when unshelling a boiled egg, but I suppose if you really, really, wanted a boiled egg it would be pretty crappy if it was a bad egg. I guess.


The best way to teach this saying is by using remakes. Most of us, for some reason get a little excited when we hear things about remakes. Whether it be because of the director, or actors, or perhaps even eyeing a few pre-released screen shots, for one reason or another we tend to expect some form of excellence. As is usually the case however, those expectations are quickly dashed.

RZ's Halloween

and

A Nightmare on Elm Street

Are bad eggs.





LET THE CAT OUT OF THE BAG
To disclose a secret.


I've always been curious to find out where this saying comes from. Whoever is hiding cats in bags seems like some kind of mean person that I don't want to be friends with but then again...you never know. As is the case with this, this saying probably comes from when people used to switch pigs with cats at the market, so when the person got home with their tasty pig, they would find a cat instead. Personally I would be thrilled to find a cat in a bag but that's just me.


Correlating this to horror is simple. Often times, horror movies have a twist ending. And often times those twists get ruined. So for many people,

The Sixth Sense

and Orphan were ruined because someone let the cat out of the bag.

SHORT END OF THE STICK
To come off worse in a bargain or contest.


There has been speculation that the short end of the stick doesn't make much sense either. Rather, "short" may be a euphemism for "shit" which makes much more sense. In any case this saying still brings confusion to many.


In horror movie terms the best example is from Rosemary's Baby.



When Guy Woodhouse made a deal with the devil that the devil could impregnate his wife with his devil spawn....Rosemary got the short end of the stick.

Deathdream: If Someone Dies, Let Them Go.

I hadn't really heard much about Deathdream before putting it on my Netflix queue. In fact, I'm assuming I had heard nothing. My only prompts were its almost 4 star rating and that Bob Clark directed it. Clark, most notably known for A Christmas Story and to us horror nerds for Black Christmas, Clark is clearly a man of many talents. He is one of few directors that has the strangest assortment of different genres to his name. Don't forget he also is responsible for Baby Geniuses (1 AND 2) yeah....weird. Anyways.

Deathdream is about a family who recently finds out their son Andy has died during the Vietnam War. The mother distraught with grief and general craziness, spends the entire night wishing him back to life. As luck would have it, the family awakens in the middle of the night to find Andy standing quietly in the living room apparently alive. It is not long however before they start to realize that Andy has come back as a very, very different person and possibly one who is dead.

Another film with at least 10 different titles including Dead of Night, which my DVD came with. I'm not sure I can agree with any of these titles as they all suggest a certain mediocre way about them. Deathdream in particular is slightly misleading, as it forced me to believe that I would be watching Jacob's Ladder's younger brother. Fear not, that is not quite the situation. Deathdream is more closely aligned to the short story The Monkey's Paw by W.W. Jacobs. Plus it's pretty obvious that Andy is dead.

I wouldn't say that I necessarily found the movie to be terrifying or even a little bit chill inducing. This film seems to fall under a different category involving more of a deep sadness. The obvious message here is that soldiers are changed people when they return home from war. Often times this message gets misinterpreted as saying that soldiers are monsters which is a load of crap. One of my biggest annoyances with this world is the general public's unwillingness to examine the actual metaphor. They see what they want to see I suppose. In any case, the war seems to be the true villain here, and we find ourselves saddened at Andy's returned state and how it affects his family and those around him. Powerful stuff if you ask me. There's also an extremely powerful line that goes something like, "I died for you, why can't you die for me?" which Andy says right before killing someone. That actually was a rather chilling moment now that I think about it.

There are attempted scares though, and the film does an interesting job of creating a strange zombie/vampire hybrid when dealing with Andy. What he is, is never explained and it doesn't need to be. It's more important that we just realize how he has changed. I was a bit surprised at how quickly he turned from being semi normal to suddenly looking like a piece of rotting cheese though.

Not to say the makeup isn't extremely effective, quite the opposite as I felt it was maybe the best part about the film in terms of its scare factor. Tom Savini of course is responsible, and as a matter of fact, Deathdream was actually his first job as a special effects artist. I guess I just wished there would be more suspense and fear inducing moments rather than just OH SHIT he ate someone and his eyes look scary, ya know? Suspense gets attempted, but it never really seems to make it there. One scene involving the Doctor growing worried and suspicious of his surroundings definitely tries this, but the scene instead gets bogged down by an annoying music score and takes much too long to happen.

The film as a whole ends up being a little bit on the boring side. I found myself unaffected by the many scenes of Andy rocking in his rocking chair and just starring with his cold and empty look. Effective for the first time maybe but after awhile it became pretty clear that that was the most he would be doing. I would have enjoyed seeing other ways that Andy seemed different, ways not having to do with killing people or....dogs. Maybe just a few subtle hints here and there. It would also have been nice to find out what the hell happened. Since the army already notified the family that Andy was dead, wouldn't they be contacting them about the missing body or something? Finally, I would have liked to get a better hint of the kind of person Andy was before he returned home. Clearly he was not a zombie but we know virtually nothing about his character before he stumbles home and it'd be nice to get some sort of comparison somewhere.

Sure there are good moments involving a pretty narsty stabbing with a large needle, which apparently leaves a blood splatter pattern like this on the wall,

as well as a very cool and strangely surprising murder of a truck driver early on.

For the most part however I just felt kind of eh. Great message, a great sadness is evoked, but as a horror movie, Deathdream could be better. Andy's long and cold stares are a bit unnerving but it's all the dude really has. I do love his sunglasses though.