Ye Gods! Whatta Meesa Watchin'?!

Did you know it took me all of 12 years to figure out that Jar-Jar Binks wasn't saying, "Egads! What is meesa sayin?" I also thought he used to say, "Better day here than better day at the curb", because you know obviously Gungan's leave their trash out on the curb whilst in their underwater paradise. I also just realized that I have no idea what "The Phantom Menace" is referring to. What a shitty title for an even shittier movie. Oh wait, I think I get it....

Anyways!

I have been having total ADD movie watching syndrome and ADD writing syndrome. I don't feel like watching anything and then when I start writing something about something I didn't really feel like watching in the first place, I get all angry and lazy. Then I give up, take off my pants and watch The Wonder Years. Riveting life I lead.

So in an attempt to pool together all my ADD in one place, I'm going to tell you what exactly I've been watching. And then I'm going to write about them until I get lazy and take off my pants. Here goes nothing.

Interview With the Vampire

I can't even remember the last time I watched this movie. In fact, I may have ever only seen bits and pieces--most notably Kristen Dunst' demise in the well which more or less scarred me as a child and made me lament the fact that such pretty dresses were destroyed.

I guess I never knew the whole story or what it was really about and how Tom Cruise fit into it all. But now I know. Interview with the Vampire is one gigantic gay love story....and I LOVE IT!

We are often familiar with the Lesbian Vampire genre but how often is the Gay-man vampire edge swung? Probably more than you think, but because people tend to close their minds to gay undertones because it's not two hot chicks drinking each other's blood and doing it, people don't realize it. Interview With the Vampire however is very gay as evidence by the completely love sick face of Tom Cruise's Lestat. Lestat and Louis' relationship is so passionate and even everlasting as it courses throughout the ages.

Heck, they even adopt a daughter together. Of course it's probably true that Lestat may be the only gay one but one cannot ignore the implied meaning of their relationship.

As a movie, Interview with the Vampire is very long yet happens to draw you in even in its 2 hours. It's also delightfully bloody and BONUS Antonio Banderas is in it.

Our hearts go out to Claudia as she realizes she will never become a woman, and that scene in the well is still so chill inducing after all these years. Naturally Interview With the Vampire gets a giant thumbs up in my book.

Poltergeist III

I will always fondly remember Poltergeist III for keeping me far away from parking garages. Even still to this day I'm convinced that a mysterious puddle will appear out of nowhere, suck me down, spit me out into a pool or into the body of Tangina (I forget if I've ever mentioned how funny it is to me to say Tangina's name like it rhymes with vagina. But one more time won't hurt. Haha.....Tan-GINA)

and then cause me to emerge as a really mean person. Poltergeist III also keeps people's fears of mirrors alive and well.

In fact, even though it's a terrible film, Poltergeist III actually has quite a bit of trauma inducing moments if you think about it. If only it could have been handled a little bit better and if only Tom Skerritt's mustache was a little thicker---then I think we could have had a real success here

Yes, Julian Beck is dead and Nathan Beck's Kane just isn't scary enough

and yes the psychiatrist is quite possibly the worst and stupidest character to ever have been brought into existence and YES his "theory" about why things are happening and Carol Anne's manipulation makes no sense at all....but I guess I still find something of value hidden deep beneath the parking garage pool.

It's probably all because of Tom Skerritt. I should also note that I only watched 50 minutes of Poltergeist III before I got lazy and took my pants off. Not bad if I do say so myself.

Pontypool

Sometimes I feel it my duty to drop truth bombs. So here is one: Pontypool is fucking amazing. It's the smartest, best, and most unique 'zombie' film that I've ever seen and it always makes me reevaluate my brain. It also hurts my brain and keeps me up all night--not because it's terrifying but because it truly makes you think.

Not that the film isn't scary of course. It is and it creates its suspense in such a brilliant and subtle way. The majority of the disease is presented to us by hearing it through the phone or on news reports or even on messages relayed to other people. We are stuck inside the radio station throughout the duration of the film and that claustrophobic and trapped feeling never seems to leave us.

The scene where the girl repeatedly launches herself into the glass is stomach churning,

and I could listen to Mazzy's opening monologue about 30 times in one day. I remember reading somewhere that his opening monologue is what starts everything going in the first place. But now I can't remember where I read that and it makes me feel sad. But let's believe it anyways because it's the best theory we've got.

Naturally I think it goes without saying that you need to watch Pontypool if you have not already. It's the thinking man/woman's zombie movie and therefore the best kind of zombie film because it means that all those annoying people that "love" zombies will probably hate this---so EVERYBODY WINS!

Well, that's it I guess. Time to put my pants on.

Who Would Be Your Neighbor?

Today was the day that the big storm hit New England--and hit it it did. I was one of 4 lucky people in the city of Boston to actually have to go to work today. It was cruel and unusual, but it did give me the chance to do some serious reflecting. There's such an eerie quiet when you walk around during a snowstorm and thinking just happens to become clearer. As beautiful and peaceful as my walk to and from work may have been however, it was momentarily ruined every time someone got stuck in the snow, or a giant ice ball descended upon my head from the nearest tree.

One thing that a snowstorm like this does do however, is make me appreciate how people are so quick to help others in need. It's like we all develop this great sense of neighborly goodness. For example, my heart was so warmed when I saw a car stuck in the middle of a traffic light, and all the people in the other cars behind him helping to push and dig him out. It got me thinking of horror movies in the strangest way possible.

I couldn't help but wonder, if I was stuck in horror movie land (Horror movie land is that magical place where all characters in horror movies are real people, and I am taller) who would I want to be my neighbor? Who would I want to come and help me shovel my driveway? Who would be the best at helping me out in a time of snow emergency need?

Annie Wilkes would have to be my top choice.

You can't deny that the woman is a serious beast, especially a serious beast in the snow. How can you go wrong with someone who has a track record of rescuing people crashed in the snow, throwing them on her back and trekking them back to her home? IN THE BLIZZARD? I have a hard enough time carrying a pizza box through the snow, let alone a James Caan.

Annie would surely be the beast whoops, (I mean BEST) person for the job, she's relentless, familiar with the elements and strong. I wouldn't be surprised if in the summer time, Annie is a part of the Strong Man competition, as I can definitely see her hauling a truck or two in the off season. I also wouldn't be surprised to know that Miss. Trunchbull was related to her.

Of course one must be careful not to be too nice to Annie Wilkes. She might get overzealous and strap you to her bed and break your ankles.

Then again you can't deny the other powerhouse in the land of horror that is-- Jason Voorhees.

Here is a man whose stamina speaks for itself, a man who can work quietly and a man who has a decent amount of strength himself. I normally would question the problem of the small breathing holes in his hockey mask, or in more extreme cases, his burlap sack---but as we all know that has never stopped him before. Hooking him in is easy, just put on his dead mother's sweater.

You know who else wouldn't be such a bad neighbor? The Tall Man.

Apparently, it's "illegal" to drive around with a giant pile of snow on top of your car. Sorry people but I had no choice. How was I suppose to find a ladder and clean the top off of the giant blue van where I work? I thought so. The Tall Man however would be the perfect person to help me out--because he's tall! He can help me clean off the roof of the car and make sure I don't break any laws. As long as he leaves his scary metal Phantasm ball things at home, he would make an excellent snow shoveling neighbor.

Speaking of thinking outside of the box, how about using Candyman's assets to your advantage?

You know what one of the most irksome qualities of shoveling out your car is? Getting the ice off. Sure, a one handed man with a hook doesn't sound desirable in snow shoveling land, but his sharp and pointy hook would be excellent at scraping off that hard to break ice that glues itself so nicely to the windshield. His giant fur coat also ensures that he can work outside longer. All he needs is a delightful hat to match.

Or if submissive snow shoveler is your idea of a perfect snow helper, I would consider using Frankenstein's Monster,

or even Bub the Zombie from Day of the Dead.

All strong men, who say little and will do just about anything you tell them to. Occasionally they may rebel, but when in doubt, chain them to a tree and all will be fine.

Who would be the worst neighbor to help in a snowstorm? Here are some possibilities.

Definitely do NOT knock on the door of The Blob's house.

That thing hates the cold, and would shrivel up the moment it steps outside.

Although Freddy Krueger's charm is admirable, he would be a pretty bad worker.

I imagine he would just stand there and say dirty things to you involving sexual innuendos having to do with the snow.

The same can go for Billy from Black Christmas.

Every time you would turn around he'd be off hiding in some girl's closet and making prank phone calls.

And finally here are some choices from YOU. Answers from the Twitterverse and Facebook on who you would like as your snow shoveling neighbor.

Ste67 points out that the Humanoids From the Deep would be a huge help in the snow, thanks to their flippers hands being able to shovel away the snow effortlessly.

Hannah Neurotica agrees that Jason would be the best option, while Freddy would blab away and Michael would just kind of stand there. She also points out that Leatherface could probably hold his own as well although, we agreed--the snow might be a new experience for him and he could get nervous and frustrated....and we all know what happens next.

Both Angel Sierra and Nick Lazzaro shout out to the old man in Home Alone.

Not a horror movie sure, but who can deny that the man scared the crap out of you. Here is a guy so devoted to shoveling the snow that his hands are all bloody. He would shovel till the sun came up, that's for sure. He probably smells like a homeless guy though.

TVJunkieJason offers up Pumpkinhead as his neighbor of choice. He points out that his flappy, flailing arms would be great tools in shoving the snow away in volumes. Surely the demon would be helpful provided that you can keep him under your control and not Lance Henriksen's of course.

The Mike points out that Wilford Brimely a la The Thing would be an excellent choice judging by his speedy tunnel digging skills and random spaceship building skills. Plus, he does it all while battling the evil monster that is "Dia-beet-is".

And BONUS he would bring Quaker Oats.

timtetreault also picks a science station employee--this time the great bearded masterpiece that is R.J. MacReady who is MacReady to kick some snow ass. Okay sorry, that was bad but I couldn't resist.

Jeff Konopka has the perfect solution: Get a truck from Maximum Overdrive and slap a snow plow on its front. Problem solved!

Dod March would use one of the Graboids from Tremors--just as long as he could get out of its way in time.

Bstank00 suggests Donnie and his flamethrower from Don't Go In the House, providing that he stays away from any gas tanks.

Zachary Kelley agrees with the selection of The Tall Man who can wield a good shovel, have his dwarf things help out and keep you on track by saying "Boooooyyy!" Which I think would be terrifying but maybe that's just me.

Aunt John justifies the choice of Kathy Bates' character in Misery pointing out that she can dig out a car AND perform corrective leg surgery, all in one day. What a woman.

MattOfAllMedia wants Cherry Darling from Planet Terror to be his snow shoveling partner...although he admits she would mostly just add some fun to....playing in the snow.

Yikes!

And finally, Tom Kingsmill would take the easy way out and annihilate the snow and the rest of humanity as well probably, with The Cloverfield Monster!

This Just In: Little Closets Are the Worst

Seeing Paranormal Activity 3 on Friday afternoon made me realize several things. Like how I really need to brush up on my pretending not to be scared faces and also that Sprite is a really refreshing soft drink that I seldom choose when faced with the deciding factor of a Coke. My most startling revelation however was when I realized that little closets are the devil.

A film like Paranormal Activity 3 does something awesome which is, surprise you and also scare the shit out of you. When was the last time the third movie in a tired series made you do a victory dance? Oh, probably never. Yet, it is my belief that PA 3 has done it! Go see it if you have not already...it will be the most fun you've had in the theater all year. Trust me!

Anyways back to things that are the worst. We find out in PA3 that the menacing demon that torments both Kristi and Katie was actually Kristi's make believe friend growing up and that his name was/is Toby.

Toby is a terrible name because it reminds me of Toby from Degrassi who was gross but also Toby is just a really odd name for a demon. Toby is also supposed to be "old" and "tall" according to little Kristi, which makes me instantly picture Toby looking something like this.

Blah!

So Toby lives in this little closet in Kristi and Katie's room. As soon as I saw that little closet it was like 25 years of a latent trauma bursting through my brain. My house growing up had 2 little closets.....well 3 I suppose if you count the double doors little closet that was in my big closet in my room. Here is something you should know about little closets.....they are mysteriously creepy. I'm no expert but I believe this is because A. Why is it so little? and B. Because it's so little this obviously means that only evil things can live in there.

Little closets always made me nervous because I was positive, absolutely positive that someone or something was going to come out of there. What makes them worse is that they make this little creaky noise when they open......I'm getting goosebumps just thinking about it now.

So along comes PA 3 which utilizes the creeptastic nature of the little closet to its utmost potential. We're talking hearing that uber creepy creaky noise in the middle of the night. Katie getting pulled into the little closet. The little closet slamming its door shut violently. Demon drawings on the ceiling. It's all too horrible to imagine the world of little closets inhabited by evil demons named Toby.

Additionally this little closet reminded me of that scene in The Sixth Sense. Perhaps one of, if not the scariest scene in the entire film. Why do people think it's funny to torment us with little closets again? Oh yes, because people are cruel.

In closing, little closets are the worst and PA 3 proves this point. Please tell me I'm not alone in my little closet phobia. Anyone? Hello?