Saturday, April 14, 2012

The Skulls: OR the Most Obvious Secret Society in the World

Before I grew up and became a real person, I had a pretty impressive list of fake boyfriends. There was Zack Morris

...Zack the black power ranger

...Will Smith...

Marky Mark....

JC Chasez

(we got engaged! But then....I became a real person)

What can I say? As a highly successful 11 year old it was pretty obvious that I had a thing for hot black men. And also...I may have been a little crazy.

Of course I am leaving out one of my favorite fake boyfriends of all...Joshua Jackson. Let me tell you an amazing story. Whilst hoarding YM and Teen People magazines, I stumbled upon a highly provocative Got Milk? ad featuring Joshua Jackson.

I promptly tore it out and taped it to my ceiling right above my bed. It was then I realized that having one tantalizing Got Milk? ad was not enough. Oh no, I needed oh about 10 of them all taped on the ceiling so that I could look at the same exact picture all that I wanted to. I can picture it now.....

Oh yes I was a true artiste.

So a few days ago when I noticed The Skulls was streaming on Netflix, I figured it was finally time to face my demons. I had learned to stay far away from movies targeted towards older teenagers that featured Joshua Jackson. Seeing him as a slutty and mean gay man in Cruel Intentions obviously was the cause of this extra precaution

and The Skulls of all things looked...well...scary.

As it turns out, The Skulls is just a big joke and lesson in how not to run a secret society.

I'll be up front with you all. I didn't finish this movie but it doesn't matter because we're not here to write a review about the Skulls. The review is: The Skulls stink. What I will be talking about however is the simple fact that The Skulls is the most obvious and non secretive "secret" society on the block.

Seriously. For a secret society that boasts about being extremely mum about all aspects of its....society, it sure doesn't do a very good job of covering things up.

For starters, all the secret societies on this mystery Ivy school campus have very extravagant headquarters. Headquarters that look like old Gothic castles and creepy mansions.

I thought one of the main points of a secret society was that no one really knew about them. Or maybe they do know about them but they don't really have any evidence to support it. Not in The Skulls though. Nope, the Skulls might as well have a giant sign in front of their castle that says: WELCOME TO THE SUPER SECRET MEETING PLACE OF THE SKULLS. THE MOST SECRETIVE SOCIETY IN THE WORLD. PLEASE, DO NOT COME IN BECAUSE IT'S A SECRET.

On top of the that, the movie claims that the identity of The Skulls is even more secret than what the Skulls actually do. Which would make sense if the Skulls didn't completely flaunt their membership all over the block.

Well okay I guess maybe I'm overreacting.

I mean who really would notice that a bunch of guys on campus suddenly all had to wear expensive watches, to cover up their new Skull burns?

Who would ever notice a bunch of guys all hanging out together wearing the same watch in the same place?

And who of course would dare to question the strangeness of a bunch of guys suddenly riding around in really expensive and flashy cars?

No one I guess.

Oh wait only everybody on the planet.

It's like the "secret" of Bruce Wayne being Batman. Because it's pretty obvious that no one would ever guess that the only billionaire in town could possibly be the only billionaire superhero in town. Movies really do not give the public a very good image. We aren't stupid you know. If I lived in Gotham City and one day the Billionaire hottie Bruce Wayne took in an orphaned circus performer and then the next day Batman had a sidekick that wore an outfit similar to that of a circus performer...I would obviously figure it out and then write blogs about it so that other people knew how I smart I was. Jeesh.


commodore sixty four said...

Netflix instant streaming is all crap movies nobody wants to watch(robocop 3 ect)you should have just watched the mighty ducks

deadlydolls said...

Ha! Never seen The Skulls, but everything about this review made me say ha!

Andre Dumas said...

Did you have fake boyfriends too!?

deadlydolls said...

OBVIOUSLY! Fred Savage, all the guys on The Hogan Family, Russell Crowe (it was the late '90s), and more. But now I'm all freaked out because over the course of two weeks, Gary Carter and Davy Jones (my very firsts!) died. So now I feel guilty.

Andre Dumas said...

I hear ya. After JC Chasez and I broke up---Nsync broke up!! I felt terrible.

Andrew Black said...

Never had the chance to see this movie but after reading this review i'll give it a go.

bird said...

batman bashing aside =). this review really sums up how i feel about the conspiracy loonies. why do these secret illuminati, nazi, jew, whatever... leave so many clues? are they like the riddler or something?