Eerie, Indiana: Foreverware

My name is Marshall Teller. Not too long ago, I was living in New Jersey, just across the river from New York City. It was crowded, polluted, and full of crime. I loved it. But my parents wanted a better life for my sister and me. So we moved to a place so wholesome, so squeaky clean, you could only find it on TV. Unfortunately, nothing could be further from the truth. Sure, my new hometown looks normal enough, but look again. What's wrong with this picture? The American Dream come true, right? Wrong. Nobody believes me, but this is the center of weirdness for the entire planet: Eerie, Indiana. My home, sweet home. Still don't believe me? You will.

When people think of horror-ish TV for kids, they usually recall Are You Afraid of the Dark or Goosebumps. One of my personal favorites however has always been the short lived show Eerie Indiana, starring Omri Katz (Hocus Pocus) as Marshall Teller. A show created by Jose Rivera and notable for its creative consultant--Joe Dante. What was special about Eerie, Indiana, was that it was heavily influenced by The Twilight Zone.

In addition to that, the opening credits featured a wide range of classic horror that would make any horror fan giddy. Shots of Bela Lugosi and Nosferatu, populate the Twilight Zone style credits. These are things, I never noticed as a kid but now they make me happier than ever.

Today while browsing what Netflix Instant watch had to offer I stumbled upon Eerie, Indiana and was overjoyed. The show was briefly in syndication from 1997-98 but that was last I had seen it. Ever since then I've been thinking about the show and a few of the episodes that stick out in my mind most.

As the intro so wonderfully explains, Marshall Teller has recently moved to Eerie, Indiana with his family. While here, he notices some strange happenings. He collects evidence that he locks in his cabinet hoping to one day inform the world of the central spot of weirdness known as Eerie, Indiana.

Marshall encounters a wide range of weird including Bigfoot, Elvis and super intelligent dogs planning to take over the neighborhood. What people will probably most remember however is the pilot episode, Foreverware.

Having recently moved to the neighborhood, Marshall's mother is one day greeted by Mrs. Wilson, a strange woman seemingly stuck in the early 1960s.

Mrs. Wilson sells a brand of Tupperware called Foreverware, guaranteed to keep anything fresh....forever. To prove her point she presents Marshall's mom with a baloney sandwich packaged in Foreverware back in 1974.

Upon exiting the Teller house, the two rotund twin boys present Marshall with a note bearing the words, "Yearbook 1964".

Curious to know what the note is about, Marshall and his sidekick Simon bust out the 1964 yearbook. Here they find a picture of the twin boys, looking exactly as they do now.

Doing some math they figure that that would make the twins 30 years old...but how have they been stuck in the 7th grade for 30 years?

Suspecting that Mrs. Wilson and Foreverware may have something to do with it, Marshall sneaks into the boys house to spy on their nighttime routine. What he finds horrifies him. Mrs. Wilson tucks her twin boys into giant sized Foreverware beds!

No doubt keeping them fresh for eternity as long as they are vacuumed sealed each and every single night.

Realizing that his mother's aging process may be in Jeopardy, Marshall immediately decides to take matters into his own hands. While the neighborhood women are at a Foreverware party (Marshall's mother included), Marshall sneaks upstairs. The twin boys find him and ask for his help. Being stuck in the 7th grade is apparently no fun and they want to grow up. After agreeing, Marshall busts into the house at night, freeing the twins from their Foreverware trap. Thanking Marshall, the boys proceed in to their mother's room, presumably to unfreshen her as well.

The next day, Marshall and his mother go to the Wilson's to cancel her order of Foreverware. Here they find two 30 year old twins hammering in a For Sale sign

and a very, very old woman curiously resembling Mrs. Wilson.

With the seal of Foreverware broken, Marshall rests assured knowing that his Mother and his family will age regularly--and locks up the evidence in his cabinet.

God, I love this episode. And I love this show. If you haven't ever seen Eerie, Indiana, do yourself a favor and check it out. It's not as nightmarish as Are You Afraid of the Dark, but horror fans can find more than enough to be excited about--and it's quirky as hell. I look forward to reconnecting with my childhood as I delve deeper into Eerie, Indiana. And also, Omri Katz's un-pubertized voice is hilarious. Yes I made that word up and yes it is amazing.

A Trip Down Memory Lane: Mother Goose Rock n' Rhyme

A large part of being a kid has to do with your perception. What may be silly and funny to an adult can also at the same time be quite terrifying for a child. Think of Rugrats where things like draining the bathtub and swallowing a watermelon seed became foundations for an entire episode devoted to some kind of terror. There are still in fact things to this day that I think are pretty terrifying and those things are simple like, a TV commercial or in the case of today, some kind of Disney movie. For me, it's a feeling of creepiness that I can't quite put my finger on. So, join me as I take a trip down memory lane to investigate Mother Goose Rock n' Rhyme and try to figure out just what about this gave me an off feeling.

Mother Goose Rock n' Rhyme for those that do not know, was made in 1990 as part of the early Disney Original Movie phase. It was played nonstop on Disney and for some reason it gave me the willies. Nothing was overtly scary, save for the heavy metal band that "tortured" Gordon Goose in King Cole's dungeon, rather, it was just a feeling. The same kind of eerie feeling I get when looking at the California Raisins......

I hate them! But why? Why why why? I'm not sure we will ever find out. Mother Goose Rock n' Rhyme however, provided an interesting combination of kids movie, and something your parents would only understand. Cameos galore, "old" musicians (to me when I was 5 anyways) like Paul Simon and that scary looking guy Little Richard, were characters in Mother Goose tales. And some bumbling idiot with a weird hat and Shelley Duvall relentlessly searched Rhyme Land for Mother Goose, who had disappeared without a trace.

I'm thinking one of my greatest aversions to this movie was that the majority of the male characters had long hair. Don't laugh because long haired men was probably one of my biggest fears....especially blonde long haired men! I don't know why, I just wasn't a fan OK? The opening segment sees a gang of rhyme land workers, a postman (long haired and blonde!) and a house painter, police man, and possibly a milkman.

They suddenly morph into dancers as the cardboard cutout set surrounds them and a terrible "rap" songs opens the film. Oh and those creepy old lady triplets are playing their guitars.

Another reason this movie may have freaked me out much more than the typical viewer was the obvious notion that it was filmed in a studio. Once again I find that I'm at a loss for words when trying to figure out why that is, but I think it has mostly to do with the fact that so much of it felt sterile. Plastic flowers, and houses that moved when somebody closed the door just gave me that feeling of fakeness and felt so very bizarre to me.

So anyway, Gordon Goose hates "rhymies" AKA Mother Gooses' characters that can only speak in rhymes, since they were written that way. Suddenly, Mother Goose is gone and Bo Peep shows up in her pink convertible, cow printed seats looking for her.

They then set across rhyme land and bump into a lot of famous people...

Cyndi Lauper as Mary and Woody Harrelson as her sheep.

ZZ Top as the three men in a tub.

Harry Anderson as Peter Piper.

Little Richard as Old King Cole.

Howie Mandel as Humpty Dumpty.

The list goes on and on.

My main beef with this movie is that people still love it. I get loving it when you're a child and what not but once you go back and watch it, your nostalgic feelings should pretty much fizzle away. I've read at least 10 "reviews" on IMDB and they all say "This is a great movie". No, it's a horrible movie that we think is great because we used to watch it all the time. It's 90s, it's cheap looking and the plot is completely thrown aside for the use of these special guest stars. The only important information Bo Peep and Gordon ever get, is from the Itsy Bitsy Spider very early on in the movie. Once they go around and talk to all the rhymies, they discover that Itsy was "right" and then they act with the information he gave them. Which means that it was pointless to go to any other rhymie to find out anything. Yes, I realize it's a kids movie and not something to really dissect but I really need people to start separating good movies from nostalgic feelings.

Here are some of the ways this movie freaked me out;

The extensive special effects of traveling.

I'm pretty sure that's one of those toy car tracks where the car just zips around by itself.

Itsy's breakdance.

I feel like I'm suddenly being thrust into an adults only video store.

The heavy metal band in Old King Cole's dungeon.

Thank god it becomes a sing along!

Tickle Monsters?

The heavy metal band disappears and we find two weirdos who resort to tickling Gordon with long feathers? Eeek.

ZZ Top!

These guys have always creeped me out, due to their silent nature, long BLONDE beards and their scary Quaker Oats hats.

There's a reason Chuckie was afraid of the guy on the oatmeal box.

Miss Muffet's Curds

Yup. Gross.

Those creepy people at Georgie Porgie's.

I HATE these frickin masks. Dog heads and creepy faces are just not okay. It's like being trapped in an evil funhouse nightmare.

Jumping over the moon special effects

Humpty Dumpty falling and cracking.

The child in the real world.

Ah doesn't it just bring you back? Hopefully many of you will remember this terrifying TV movie. Don't forget the big twist at the end where it is revealed that Gordon Goose IS a rhymie! Crazy I know. I did enjoy this nice little Who Framed Roger Rabbit homage though...

Ow ow!

By the way, you can watch the whole thing on Youtube in 9 parts.

Here's Bobby Brown as the Three Blind Mice.

A Trip Down Memory Lane: The NeverEnding Story

I had never seen Labyrinth until recently. Unfortunately upon my first viewing I could feel little in the realm of excitement, wonder or joy. There was too much singing- and although David Bowie in tight pants can be fun, I still found myself longing for the imaginative world of The NeverEnding Story. This made me think about two things. For one, it got me started on my remakes aren't so bad kick. If I wasn't affected by a movie that I never saw as a child or growing up, imagine how unaffected most kids today are when seeing the original movies that are being remade. If you do not have a nostalgic remembrance for a movie that isn't necessarily a great movie to begin with, then I think you have a pretty tough time forming any sort of bond or even liking for it. All I'm saying is, that I'm pretty sure The NeverEnding Story isn't a 10/10 kind of movie--yet I'm unhealthily obsessed with it because I grew up with it.

Now this may or may not have to do with the fact that I never saw Labyrinth growing up, but the second thing I thought of after my first viewing was that The NeverEnding Story fucking rules. I expected so much more imagination and cool creatures and scary moments from Labyrinth-- especially when Jim Henson is involved---but I mostly just felt like I was walking down a dark alley on Sesame Street. No offense of course to Labyrinth fans but I'm pretty sure The NeverEnding story is the gold medal winner. Due to this- I saw fit to take you on a pictorial journey of The Neverending Story. Lets relive some brighter moments down memory lane.





We begin with a nightmare. Because let us not forget that "In the beginning, it is always dark". Bastian walks up in his wood paneled bedroom and glances over at what I assume is his mother's picture hanging on the wall.

Upon closer inspection, Bastian also has a lovely portrait of a Native American hanging on the wall. Random? Maybe. But it just might have something to do with the impending introduction of Atreyu. OR if you think about what Bastian's mother's name actually is, it does make sense that she would have a bit of Native American heritage. Meaning of course, that Bastian descends from the "plains people"---thus bridging the gap between himself and Atreyu. Man, I think about things too much.

Does anyone else usually throw up a little bit in their mouth when they watch Bastian's Dad make and drink his orange juice and raw egg breakfast drink?

Speaking of assholes.....who tells an 8 year old that he's too old to be daydreaming and having an imagination. THEY WERE UNICORNS DAD, NOT HORSES. Jeesh. I didn't stop having an imagination till I was like 14.

Thanks to Bastian's incessant daydreaming and love of books, he gets bullied by some true ruffians. Time for a dumpster dive! What the hell people were throwing out in that dumpster anyways? Pencil shavings? Stale noodles? Someone enlighten me.

Never fear, a hop, skip and a jump away from the dumpster, lands you right inside the bookstore of Sean Connery.

The sad part is, I really thought that was Sean Connery up until about oh, 5 years ago. Whoops!

Thanks to not Sean Connery guy, and some savvy book selling skills- Bastian pockets the book but leaves a cute scribbly note behind instead because he's just a good kid.

By the way this book makes number 187 in Bastian's collection....that's a lot of fucking books!

After rushing the book to school, breaking into the attic and skipping a math test, we find ourselves in Fantasia.

Hey...isn't that a Tim Burton Oompa Loompa? Well he hasn't aged a bit!

Well I take that back...he DOES appear to have some wrinkles..

MOVING ON

The Child-like empress is sick! I know because this guy told us so.

This brings me to one of my favorite parts of The NeverEnding Story, all those crazy, wacky people that apparently reside in Fantasia!

Enter the girl-like Atreyu

And wear your Auryn proudly.

Sandwich break!

WARNING! WARNING! THE NEXT PART IS TOO SAD TO DISCUSS SO WE WILL SKIP IT. JUST KNOW THAT IT WAS SAD.

Remember when Atreyu makes it through the swamp of sadness and finds Morla?

Who is really just a cute old turtle thing, but for some reason Bastian flips a shit and screams really loudly?

What's the deal with that? I've still never quite understood this part. Why does he scream this loudly when Morla comes out, and not loudly when Gmork emerges from the forest? In fact I'm getting a little tired of Bastian always screaming and acting crazy.

Oh well, enter every one's favorite Luck Dragon Falkor--who by the way I still think looks like a dog but whatever.

Thanks to Falkor's luck and his protection, Atreyu wakes up just where he needs to be. At the gates to the Southern Oracle. The first of these gates happens to be two sphinxes with huge boobs. Thanks to Atreyu's confidence, he passes through. But first take note of these two sphinxes will you?

Now check out the Southern Oracle...

Clearly someone in the art department got lazy because it's the same exact thing only blue and with some glitter. I'd recognize those boobs anywhere. Laaaazy! Despite laziness, the Southern Oracle holds the key to saving Fantasia from The Nothing. The Child-like Empress needs a new name. But the catch is-the person who gives her that name has to be a human child! Anyone know any human children?

And now a brief word from our Sponsor....

They look like big, strong, good hands don't they?

Meanwhile, back in the land of going nowhere fast, Atreyu stumbles upon some kind of strange artwork that shows the timeline of Atreyu's journey--only I don't remember that weird guy handing Atreyu a mask...

Anyways, everything else seems to check out because I remember this

and I DEFINITELY remember this, only I half blocked it out.

But this?

When is this?

....HOW ABOUT RIGHT NOW?!

If you come any closer, I will rip you to shreds.

Sadly, what could have been the greatest battle scene in the history of Fantasia, the battle between good and evil, The Nothing and Fantasia, Gmork (who made up that name a 5 year old?) and Atreyu...fizzles out into 2 seconds of blood and bad puppetry.

Ah yes well...afterwards, Fantasia is overcome by The Nothing and luckily--the Ivory Tower still stands. Here Atreyu find the Child-Like Empress in all her child-like glory.

We now find that although Atreyu's horse did die--he in fact accomplished what he set out to do. He has brought the earthling child with him. Just as Atreyu suffered, so has this boy. And that boy is of course....Bastian!! Now all he has to do is call out a new name for the empress. He has already picked the name- he's just afraid to call it out because he still doesn't believe this is all real. I will now reenact the greatest scene of all time.

Bastian! Why don't you do what you dream Bastian?

But I can't! I have to keep my feet on the ground!

Call my name!

Bastian, please!

SAVE US!

ALRIGHT! I'LL DO IT! I'LL SAVE YOU! I WILL DO WHAT I DREAM!

MOONCHILD!

....................................................................................

Why is it so dark?

In the beginning, it is always dark.

Annnnd as we know, Bastian gets an endless supply of wishes so that he can recreate Fantasia and make it better than ever. And what is his first wish? Just as it was Jesus's wish, Bastian wishes to take a jolly ride on Falkor!

And there you have it. Fantasia has returned, Bastian learns that an imagination and having dreams is a vital part of everyday life (suck it Dad) and the bullies get chased down a busy city street by Falkor. Plus all the adults see Falkor. Isn't that breaking some kind of Fantasia boundary or rule?

Oooh right Gmork said that Fantasia HAS no boundaries. Fascinating!

Ah well, stay tuned for the next A Trip Down Memory Lane segment- The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter. RIP Jonathan Brandis.