Monday, August 29, 2011

Dream Home: I Think I Love You

I suppose if asked to ruminate on what my own dream home would look like I would get lost in visions of Suspiria. A startling geometric anomaly bathed in bright hues of red and blue. Beautiful and terrifying, I would traipse around the carpeted hallways by day and cower in my bedroom by night--afraid that some hairy beast hand might stab my heart and hang me by a wire through the stained glass roof.

That wouldn't be all either. In my dream home, a giant framed portrait of The Donald would go over the Citizen Kane sized fireplace. Robby the Robot would make me sandwiches whenever I wanted and brightly colored candlesticks would line the hallways. The Warriors would play on a loop in every single room and there would be mandatory dance parties taking place at least three times a week.

Yes, I could go on and on and so could you if asked. The best part about your dream home after all is that the possibilities are endless. But this indie film fresh out of Hong Kong dares to question--just how far will one go for their dream home? In Dream Home, Cheng Lai-sheung works two shitty jobs in a tireless effort to save up for her dream home overlooking the harbor. However, when a hike in the stock market occurs, Cheng finds her dream home suddenly out of her grasp, prompting her to take drastic measures to ensure that her dream home becomes a reality.

When all is said and done, Dream Home remains as an incredibly original and very clever little Slasher film. This is not however a Slasher film as we previously knew it. This is a crazy hybrid of a Slasher film filled with some outstanding and creative deaths and with some intricate and intelligent plot organization to boot. Almost nothing about Dream Home is predictable and this is an important point to realize.

I can say with about 95% certainty that I never once figured out how a scene would play out. There are no cliches to be found here and I must admit it's terribly refreshing. Especially in this day and age when 50% of all Asian horror movies involve a scary girl ghost with long black hair and the other 50% involve some intricate cycle of revenge resulting in a twist of epic and vomit inducing proportions.

Dream Home is gory, entertaining and thoughtful--the latter of which is seldom seen in a Slasher film. All too often Slasher films become magnetics for 14 year old kids who can pride themselves on being able to sit through an hour and 30 minutes of booby-time and CG gore. Here however those same 14 year olds faced with Dream Home would scratch their heads and wonder out loud in a mocking tone just what the hell that was suppose to mean. I LOVE THAT. I love when kids don't get horror movies--because 9/10 times that means it's awesome. And not just awesome...but secretly awesome to those of us who have souls (And also to those of us who have real jobs and can't afford things like you know, rent).

Of course, Dream House isn't without its own problems. The flashback sequences of Cheng leave us hanging for more and when the credits roll we can't help but feel like we are owed a little explanation. Her dramatic action seems to be a little too crazy without proper reasoning or hinting taking place and I also wouldn't be opposed to a little explaining in terms of how she received that odd super human strength. I'm also still confused about how possible it is to stay alive long enough to try to smoke a joint when your intestines are hanging out of your body. But what do I know?

Still though, these are small annoyances in comparison to a mostly engaging hour and 30 minutes of your time. It's well written, funny, horrific and almost a perfect social commentary on the state of things economically. Plus how can you not instantly love that throwback looking poster? It's the best. THE BEST.

Yes, be sure not to miss Dream Home. It recently became available to watch on Netflix Instant Watch and if you're like me and just gave up your DVDs rentals, I have a feeling you'll be craving to watch something that doesn't stink. Dream Home is your man/woman friend for the night, enjoy it and try to be nice to it and not blow cocaine up its nose when its sleeping.

Oh and all semi-craziness aside--Cheng's brilliant plan? Kind of brilliant, right? Hopefully I wasn't the only one who quoted a little Jurassic Park out loud by the end of this.....

Clever girl...

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Great Moments in Mice

Over the past few weeks we've seen clear evidence that the world will end at any moment. Earthquakes, Hurricanes, Kim Kardashian's wedding, Tornadoes. Well actually those are pretty normal events that take place from year to year so everyone should settle down. What IS true however is that the end of the world is imminent inside my once idyllic and peaceful new apartment. Here is the evidence.

Our doorbell rings by itself at late hours of the night. My next door neighbor is a five year old named Seamus who thinks a good time is belting out Christmas carols at 5 o'clock in the morning. My other next door neighbor is an 80 year old woman with a drug problem whose son comes over on the weekend and yells at her for being lazy and using drugs. Our carbon monoxide detector went off a few weeks ago and no one ever came to tell us if in fact our oven was capable of killing us (We've been using it anyways although I would say it is curious how all I do on the weekend is sleep...) And last and probably not least, we've had a bit of a mice problem.

We've had three mice running amok at the wee hours of the night over the span of a few days. When this happens my sister goes into anaphylactic shock and locks herself in the bathroom resulting in me getting a plastic Solo cup and trapping the mouse then running outside with no shoes on and throwing it in my neighbors yard. Seamus won't complain if I tell him they're Christmas mice...Oh right and no thanks to the CATS who seem to be losing their ability to do away with the mice in a timely manner. By the way.....while exploring the dark and creepy basement a few weeks ago I found these labels on a shelf...

I got the feeling that my landlord used to run a sinister business....although truthfully I do wonder though how efficient a "cat envelope' could really be.

Anywho, I don't have a problem with mice but my sister obviously does. Naturally these incidents caused me to recount some of the more memorable scenes in movie history where mice and rats made an impact. Let us all enjoy them.


Death By Rats

If anyone deserves to be eaten to death by rats it's the man who drowns a giant bag of cats, am I right? Still, one cannot deny the horror that this scene provokes. All those shrill squeaks and horrible noises that those rats make. Even just the sheer number of rats alone is enough to give you an extensive case of the willies. There are so many rats in that pipe....SO MANY. Traumatizing indeed.

The Witches

They're Eating the Soup

I love the Witches. I love the Witches so much that I would have its baby out of wedlock, make it a pie and not even care if it didn't give me money. Although the two main boys Bruno and Luke become mice after the Witches test out their evil chocolate, the real mouse moment comes when all the bad witches turn into mice themselves.

The wonderful thing about this scene is how ugly the witches are in mice form. Where as Bruno and Luke were more of the cute and cuddly variation of mice--the Witches are certainly not. Especially the Grand High Witch who resembles a mild form of vomit in mouse form. I've also never been partial to the imagery of stomping on a mouse with my shoe.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

Rats in the Hair

Although my sister and I love Indiana Jones, there is one scene in particular that she can never watch without cringing and or/ dying. This is of course when Indy and Elsa take a jaunt through the sewer to find the tomb of a knight of the First Crusade. Along the way, they meet up with an unsightly amount of rats. Let me clear here, that of all the rats in the world the absolute worst kind of rat is a wet one. There's just so much nastiness happening in this scene, from almost stepping on rats, to rats in the hair and flaming rats. Do you know what a burning rat would smell like? I hope I never get to find out.

Dead Alive

Rabid Rat

If there's one thing we do not need in this world, it's a scary Sumatran Rat-Monkey that is capable of turning people into undead zombie people. This rat-monkey means business--and although it is technically classified as a "rat-monkey" I will say that is mostly rat. A disgusting, zombie diseased rat who has the unfortunate capability of turning old women into zombies and causing their body parts fall off during the custard course.

Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?

Rats for Dinner

My sister once told me that she may fear dead mice more than she does live ones. I found this curious but then again I suppose I can't judge seeing as how I find sharks on TV more terrifying than the real ones. In Whatever Happened to Baby Jane, Baby Jane goes a little crazy and finds cruel and sadistic ways to torture her sister. This includes but is not limited to, feeding her sister a dead rat on a serving platter. I must say the image of a disgusting dead rat on a serving platter resting on a bed of lettuce is unexpectedly and strangely terrifying.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Roger Corman, The Real Magic in The Exorcist and a Black and White Cake.

This is a post about three random and neat things that I found out this weekend that I would like to share with you. Some of you may think it unnecessary and meaningless to divulge in such matters but you are wrong. The unnecessary and meaningless is what this blog thrives on!! I also find it curious that I'm using words that are a bit more challenging than my standard written vocabulary. To this I say, what ho? Or wait maybe now I'm just talking like some kind of saucy English lass. Is lass a Scottish thing? Oh, I give up. Although to be fair I think my recent surge in fake intelligence is due both to the fact that A. Teen Jeopardy happened this week and B. It was a rerun. What? Are you disappointed that I'm not as smart as I think I am? Me too friend. Me too.

SO ANYWAY. Here are some neat things that happened.

1. Roger Corman and Candles Sitting In a Tree.

Last night I had an epiphany that Roger Corman is CANDLE CRAZY. And not just any kind of candle crazy mind you...he's awesome bright super fucking cool colors candle crazy. In layman's terms that means that he likes bright candles. He LOVES them. In fact, I think it's fair to say that unusual colored candles are one of Corman's trademarks. I discovered this last night while watching the Pit and the Pendulum which has some pretty spectacular blood red candles in it.

This promptly got me thinking about Masque of the Red Death which I watched half of, fell asleep and then forgot about until now. What I did remember though was how gloriously beautiful the candles are in that film (And the colors too). I couldn't get over the fact of how fucking awesome a blue candle was. OR a teal one for that matter.

This got me really thinking. If there were two wonderful examples of awesome candles in two different Roger Corman films then doesn't that mean that just about every Roger Corman film should have awesome candles in it? Sort of yes.

Here is some evidence to prove this theory.

Sooooooooooo many candles. So many different glorious candles. How does he do it? How?!
I think I speak for all of us when I say that we need to start bringing candles back. Especially ones in cool colors like this. Let's make it happen.

2. Pazuzu, Whozu?

You don't need to tell me that's the best title to ever come out of my face--I know. So this weekend I've been in a bit of a documentary watching kind of mood. While on this craving I watched Fantastic Flesh: The Art of Make-Up EFX.

While not necessarily a documentary per say, it does have a pretty good collection of some horror movie magic that should warm all of hearts just the right way.

One especially crazy thing I learned during this is not only the existence of Dick Smith but also of the existence of some of the best make-up that most people don't even know is make up. I'm not talking about Pazuzu people. The most impressive make up believe it or not, was actually done on Max von Sydow who played Father Merrin.

In the Exorcist, Father Merrin is old. Like really fucking old. Like so fucking old he dies because the demon's demon power was too much for his old heart to handle. There's even a certain point where I swear you can see his life force kind of float out of him.

The thing about how old Father Merrin is, is that Max von Sydow was only 44 years old when he played the role. 44!!!! I thought that dude was 95. Dick Smith's makeup according to many is one of the finest examples of aging by makeup in the history of film. I think my jaw seriously dropped when I saw a picture of what von Sydow actually looked like during filming.

In fact, even today at 82 van Sydow looks like a spring chicken compared to his Father Merrin counterpart.

Isn't it crazy that movie makeup can be that good? It makes me smile and weep a tear for the future of CGI.

3. Kim Kardashian is a fan of the Sentinel!

Since our world is already crumbling into a black abyss of embarrassment, I think it's okay to talk about Kim Kardashian for a minute. It's kind of like when you kill someone and then realize that stealing a candy bar is probably not such a big deal. Am I right?

So if you haven't heard, Kim Kardashian got married to some guy she met 2 hours ago. Her wedding was the expected lavish ceremony filled with unnecessary touches and a really ugly beaded head crown thing that I think was supposed to honor the Child-like Empress but I can't be sure.

I can be sure however that it looked a lot better on the Child-like Empress.

Anyways. The theme of Kim's wedding was black and white which sadly does not mean the wedding honored one of the greatest songs and music videos of all time, Michael Jackson's Black or White. It also sadly did not feature Macaulay Culkin lip synching to a rap performed by an African American man.

This black and white theme however does mean that yes, the wedding cake was black and white.

While watching Access Hollywood tonight (Hey whatever you guys I was just waiting for Teen Jeopardy to start okay?) they actually pointed the cake out and said....."A black and white cake". This may not seem like a big deal to anyone who has never seen the Sentinel....but to those of us that have it can only mean one thing....


You know, it's funny. After everything I've been through and after everything I've learned in this world, I still cannot fucking figure out what the hell that means. What does that mean?! Nobody knows but it's still the best line in the entire film. And...WAIT A MINUTE. I get it!! The cat....Jezebel is black and white so the nice old lady was merely just pointing out that it makes sense if the cat's birthday cake is also black and white. OR does it mean that the cat's mother slept with a black man? AHH I CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT!

What I can figure out however is that Kim Kardashian obviously loves the Sentinel. Why else would she have a black and white cake? It makes perfect sense.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Splinter: Does NOT Star Screech Powers

I often find as I get older and older, that my mind is slowly diverging into what I like to call "difficult territory". By that I mean that sometimes no matter how much evidence may suggest otherwise, whatever I think is true will magically be true. You see this a lot in old people who like to deny the existence of things like technology and the possibility of TV remotes without gigantic buttons. Then of course I saw it tonight when throughout the duration of Splinter, I couldn't help but be annoyed that Dustin Diamond was in this. He's the worst!

Of course, as my good friend and lover IMDB tells me that is not Dustin Diamond--but my difficult and steadily maturing brain suggests otherwise. So for the purpose of my sanity and this review, I will be referring to that guy as Dustin Diamond or if I'm feeling especially sassy, Screech Powers.

There was a brief moment in time when I confused the movie Splinter with Bug. In fact I thought that the premise of Bug and Splinter were the same. Boy was I wrong! Splinter involves one of my least favorite concepts of horror--parasitic invaders that spread and develop like zombie rabies. It also takes place in one main setting throughout its duration. Naturally because I have late onset ADD, I detest such things. By all accounts I should have therefore hated Splinter but I didn't---not really.

In Splinter, a parasitic/mold thing that resembles splinters has found its way into a carrier. When an outlawed crook and his druggie girlfriend kidnap a couple, they end up at a gas station and have a run in with the splinter beast (now resting cozily inside a human). After druggie girlfriend gets killed by the beast and reincarnated into a splinter beast as well, the three remaining characters are trapped inside the gas station with no way to contact the outside world.

While I wouldn't say I hated Splinter, I wouldn't say I was outrageously pleased by it either. I suppose I simply regarded it as a passable movie and certainly one that is effective for its smaller budget. The splinter beasts are gruesome and at times horrific--I think so anyways but it's hard to say because for the most part our glimpses were hindered by some very frantic camera work. I think I may have seen some awesomely gross ribs poking out and some crazy double jointed things happening at the end for instance--but we can't be sure. Whether all this frantic camera business was a means to cover up some less than stellar CGI work or because they intended for the gruesome beasts full look to be mysterious we will never know. Although something tells me its the former.

I say this because during a few moments of some splinter hands and arms running rampant, the CGI was not very pleasing. In fact, the splinters themselves seemed overly cartoonish at parts and that kind of bummed me out. It's not that I take great pride in bringing down a lower budget film based on special effects that it couldn't shell out all the money in the world for--I'm just saying that I think Splinter would have benefited quite nicely by a few close up, and longer (key word longer) shots of the splinter creatures. I feel like it would have brought some well needed and enjoyed scares.

Scares and suspense is perhaps what I felt I most lacked when watching this. I didn't get a real sense of worry or anxiety. I didn't particularly like any of the characters much, and the entire situation seemed very annoying at times. Like how there were no keys in the sheriff's car, and yet the headlights remained on. Or how the bad guy smashed the telephone. OR how for whatever reason a gas station in the middle of nowhere saw it fit to outfit the backdoor with a chain gate locked with a padlock (in addition to a door lock). It just felt like a lot of unnecessarily unlucky things happening and that bugs me. Just like in The Net--EVERYTHING goes wrong!

I will say the arm amputation scene was pretty remarkable. And let me also say here that I hope I never get myself into a situation where someone has to cut my arm off with an Exacto knife and then lop through the bone with a concrete block.

One other thing I appreciated quite a bit, was the stupidity of the boyfriend rather than the girlfriend. Here the tables are turned as the girlfriend seems to be the more fearless and even the more manly of the two. She for instance changes the tire of her car while Screech mumbles something about it not being his car. He of course tries to prove himself later on my intentionally giving himself hypothermia but then he gets all gimpy and it's really a lost cause. Still though, there's that fun thing happening where a less than attractive and nerdy guy (sorry's the Jew fro I think) gets set up with an extremely hot girl. Just once I'd like to see a not overly attractive girl with some hot guy...okay?!

At any rate, Splinter is OK in my book. It's an interesting idea that feels like it shouldn't be original and yet it does end up being so in the end. It's not riddled with tons of cliches, there aren't jump scares every 5 seconds and the end is somehow heartbreaking despite what Jimney Cricket tells us in our heads. I guess it's true what they say after all. If you're trapped in a gas station with the man that kidnapped you--you become friends and boy, that's real nice.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Scary Moments in Zelda

There are a lot of things I get mad about on a daily basis. For instance; why can't I just eat sandwiches all the time? And also, why can't I kiss my cat's head all the time? Lately however, my daily frustrations seem to rear their heads the most when I think about Zelda. Some of you may not know about my openly obsessive relationship with the Legend of Zelda and some of you do. Perhaps in the long run you're better off not knowing...of course it doesn't matter now because we're going to talk about it. Those of you highly adept at reading comprehension may be wondering, "But why does Andre get mad about Zelda if she loves it so much?" The answer friends, is that the newest Zelda is still months away from being released. The Skyward Sword has been pushed back and back and back. One of the first release dates may have been January of 2011. Now it looks like we won't be seeing it until November. Bah. WHY CAN'T I HAVE IT NOW?

So now you know why I'm angry. Now, in an attempt to not drive myself crazy while waiting for November to arrive, I've decided to write a post that I've been wanting to do for quite some time now. Typically, it doesn't take much to scare me, and while Zelda may be kind of low on the scare spectrum compared to actual scary games like Silent Hill--I still find that it has a few moments worthy of highlighting as terrifying. Or terrifying to me at least who is scared of everything.

Also note: As obsessed as I am with Zelda, I do realize that I haven't played every Zelda game in existence. Don't hold it against me!


The main inspiration for this post comes from the presence of Redeads in Zelda and how I loathe and wallow in anguish whenever I come across one. Redeads are your basic Nintendo zombie except they elicit this HORRIBLE scream and then hump your back when you get too close.

They are some of the most annoying and most frightening creatures that I've ever laid eyes on.

Even in Majora's Mask when we have the ability to make Redeads spontaneously dance--they aren't any less scarier. They just look like really graceful yet still very scary gross things.

Additionally and to a lesser extent, Gibdos can also suck it. These are in essence the mummified version of Redeads and are pretty much the same thing. I think looking back I even reached a period during the Ocarina of Time where I would legitimately turn the sound off when I knew Redeads and Gibdos were near. Sad, but true.

Ikana Valley/Music Box House

While many do not love Majora's Mask (At least in comparison to the Ocarina of Time), I do find that it has quite a bit of awesome. Like for instance how it contains what is perhaps the creepiest "village" and music combination in the history of the Zelda series. This is yet another area where I would often put the TV on mute because my scaredy cat self just couldn't hack it. Do you blame me? Is this not the sound of pure and merciless death?

Put that over the fact that Ikana Valley is sparse of life and contains only a solitary and creepy looking Music Box house.

A house that holds another startling surprise--the emergence of a half man/ half Gibdo creature! And he bursts out of a weird sarcophagus without warning and tries to eat you!!! Luckily he's just some little girl's father who got cursed and we can easily heal him with our magical ocarina and receive his Gibdo mask as a reward. Phew.

The End of the World

Perhaps one of the main reasons that people do not love Majora's Mask is that they can never fully adjust to the idea of reliving the same 3 days over and over again. It takes getting used to I admit, but the idea that the entire course of the game is impacted by each choice you make is kind of neat right? Of course the one down side of this is that must do what you need to do over the span of three full "Zelda" days (Three days that we can restart at will of course). Throughout the duration of your playing time in Majora's Mask a counter marks off the amount of time until the end of the third day. Some may consider this stressful--I consider it as really mean.

So what happens when your time runs out? Good question. As you get closer and closer to the end of day three, the ground consistently shakes. Also, the really scary moon gets closer and closer to you, threatening to squash the peaceful Clock Town to smithereens.

Since I am terrified of things like the apocalypse and well you know, death....I never once allowed myself to let the entire time run out because I feared that the TV might explode.

It's true! I have no idea what happens when your time runs out and the world ends but thanks to YouTube, we are about to find out....

Yikes. That is some terrifying shit.

The Diabolical Cubus Sisters (and the Ghost Ship)

The Phantom Hourglass brought Zelda to the Nintendo DS and it also brought frustration and spontaneous napping thanks to extended periods of sailing time. It did however bring a few scary things to the table--namely the Diabolical Cubus Sisters. We first find them after boarding a Ghost Ship in the middle of a very foggy and scary sea. Write this down on a napkin---Ghost Ships are NOT to be fucked around with. I'm serious, whenever you think you are doing okay or sticking it to the ghost your back.

This is exactly the case with the Cubus sisters. We meet these cute little girls trapped in various sections of the ghost ship and they're all little and scream every time a rat is around. They wish to be reunited with their sisters so that they can hug or something. Of course once we bring all the sisters together something very bad happens....

They turn into the Diabolical Cubus Sister and of course one of the bosses.

I should make it clear that what makes this a truly terrifying moment is how fucking creepy those Cubus Sisters are. Sure, they may be a little bit cute with their little hoods and bows but right away you feel a bit funny about everything. I'll tell you what's even worse--if you play the game again and you KNOW the outcome of this situation you can't do anything about it. Slicing the adorable little girls before they turn into monsters won't do anything. It's very upsetting!

Shadow Beasts

It should be said that almost everything about The Twilight Princess is terrifying. The Shadow world introduces this whole new level of nightmare to the Zelda series and it's a very miraculous thing to watch happen. In fact---I hope I'm not alone in saying that much of the shadow world seems to be at least partially influenced by Silent Hill. Fine maybe I'm just still bitter that I can't reap the cool and scary benefits of the Silent Hill franchise but whatever.

THESE things look like something that might be in Silent Hill. Or maybe they look like something that might be in a movie about what happens when the Alien from Alien goes to Silent Hill. I can't decide. Regardless, these shadow beasts are always met with a great deal of reckless moaning on my part. They are very scary and I don't like their weird Rastafarian hair--there I said it!

Oh and P.S., you know who is also very Silent Hill looking? ZANT.


Alien Invasion

One of the stranger things to happen in Zelda's history is the alien invasion that takes place at Romani Ranch during Majora's Mask. The scene is prefaced with this eerie calmness and silence. And then suddenly....bright lights happen and all these mini alien UFO things start floating in. The really stressful part is that you have to kill them with your arrows before they abduct the cows! Why does Zelda insist on putting all this pressure on me?

I suppose this isn't so much as scary as it is just really weird and creepy. It is also one of the more unforgettable moments in the series and I still think about it fondly while riding my horse Epona in my DREAMS.


While most of the bosses in Zelda are their own breed of scary---Dodongo is in my opinion the most impressive of the bosses and the most terrifying (Although truth be told, he's quite easy to beat). I think it must be his size and his big dinosaur/dragon/beast likeliness. I guess I also wouldn't rule out Volvagia out as a terrifying boss but maybe that's just because I always assume Volvagia is a kind of sexually transmitted disease.

Also as a side note, the big introduction of the boss is always kind of scary isn't it? You're constantly wondering, where's the boss, where's the boss? And then ROAR or AHH and it's there.

Hopefully when you're waiting for the boss to make its appearance you don't make a fool of yourself like this guy. Just wait for it.

Lord Jabu-Jabu

Alright, I'll be honest. I mainly am terrified of Lord Jabu-Jabu because of my irrational fear of big sharks and fish (and also sometimes whales). I don't LIKE Jabu Jabu and I don't like that annoying Princess Ruto keeps him as a weird pet/thing to be worshiped. Oh and while we're on the subject--Jabu-Jabu's belly? Can suck it. That's right suck it. Why do I always find myself trapped in there and unable to figure out what to do next? Why?!

Enough of that. Tell me this isn't scary okay?

Maybe don't tell me that it's not scary so that I won't feel badly about myself.

The Happy Mask Man

I've got one word for you involving the Happy Mask Man. Pedophile. And also, ewwww. How can this guy not completely creep you out? Who walks around selling masks? And who just stands in a creepy clock tower smiling? The really, really creepy thing about the Happy Mask Man, is that we can sense his somehow darker underside.

The TRULY creepy thing however, is that the series never seems to fully develop that side of him. The first time I played Majora's Mask, I was convinced that we would eventually find out that the Happy Mask Man was really the bad skull kid in disguise. But nope...he's just a guy who smiles a lot, but gets really mad when you don't give him what he wants. And we never truly know why...

The Wall Master

Can I just say that I hate the Wall Master? Is this not the most annoying thing to ever follow you around? The Wall Master makes his living by following you around temples. You'll know if he's there because you'll hear weird noises and see a circular shadow growing bigger and bigger the longer you stay still. If you don't end up moving, the Wall Master grabs you and spits you out at the beginning of the temple (Which is very annoying if you have a habit of crying over the fact that you can't beat the stupid Shadow Temple). If you move just in time he'll plop down and you can slash him with your sword---which sometimes leads the Wall Master to be reduced to a bunch of Baby Wall Masters and no one likes to see that.

The Shadow Temple

I really hate the Shadow Temple. More than I hate the Water Temple which is the most frustrating and annoying of all the temples in the world of Zelda. The Shadow Temple however, has got to be the scariest of the temples. It's very creepy and very spooky in just about every single aspect. There's these crazy guillotine things, Skulltula's everywhere, random mean skeleton monsters that descend on you when you're trying to enjoy a nice ride on the weird ghost ship thing, invisible doors, high powered fans and worst of all.....some crazy ass bongo playing boss.

Here is a good story. My sister and I had spent hours, like seriously HOURS trying to get through the damn Shadow Temple. Finally after what seemed like an eternity, we made it to the boss. We got probably 5 seconds of fighting in before stupid bongo head whatever his name is, bounced us off his stupid drum killing us and sending us back to the very beginning of the temple. We were so enraged and defeated that we gave up. Completely gave up! I wouldn't go back to conquer the Shadow Temple until my Junior year of College. Yeah that's right,we take our grudges seriously in the Dumas household.


You know what's a really understated and creepy moment in the Ocarina of Time? When Link (Or "Stickles" as we would like to call him) gets into the Castle and meets up with Princess Zelda in the courtyard. She tells us how she's watching some "man" and how she doesn't trust him or has a bad feeling about him. She then asks us if we would like to look and see for ourselves--to which we reply "Yes" and look out the window. We then see Ganon marching slowly up towards the king. He kneels down and suddenly looks RIGHT AT US and does this creepy mean smile. It's very startling.

Additionally, Ganon is just one of those enemies that you really hate. He's really muscular and he's got red hair--also he has about 50 different forms throughout Zelda and can even turn into a giant demon thing and that is no fun at all.

I'm sure I've obviously left about 30 good scary moments out so feel free to enlighten me. Actually I can think of one or two at this very moment but I'm far too lazy. Oh well!