Random Creepy Sh*t!

I'm not allowed to swear in my blog titles anymore because my Mom put my blog on her newspaper's website. Sigh, nepotism. Hopefully a swear with an asterisk in the middle will be OK for any people that do not approve of swear words in blog titles. However, when you're dealing with creepy shit, you really just have to throw caution to the wind and deal with it, am I right?

So listen. I like to think I have a fairly high threshold as far as being scared of things goes. Well OK as far as being scared of things in movies. Wait--who am I kidding? I'm afraid of almost everything. I think I just confused the fact that I'm not squeamish about gore with being courageous in real life. Drats! OK OK, starting over.

I am really, really good at seeing something that other people would deem as being 'normal' and then making a fuss about how creepy it is. I can take your average say--piece of lettuce and say WHOA this is scary because whenever I bit into a thick piece of lettuce I imagine a disgusting, toxic, mutant slug monster will be inside of it.

So that's why I'm treating you on this Tuesday to a list of random creepy shit. Shit that is creepier than your average creepy shit. And creepy shit that in turn makes me pee a little in fright and uncomfortable-ness.


Puppet Hands

Fuck puppet hands. I've probably talked about this before but in this current state of our world, I find it necessary to once again hammer home the danger of puppet hands. Puppet hands are gross. Puppet hands are usually small and shiny and resemble human hands. Which is VERY upsetting when said puppet is not a human but a duck or something...... not that I speak from experience or anything..............OK OK once I received a duck marionette as a gift and it had gross shiny mini puppet hands and I was so distraught I threw it in my closet and never looked back. Terrible thing....puppet hands.


Whales

Whoever decided that aquatic mammals with very large mouths were something that you should go on a boat and view, is not my friend. I do not like water and things in the water that decide the moment when you least expect it, is the right moment to pop out and terrify you. Yes, sharks may be my number one water fear, but whales come in a close second. Probably because they are really big, and I get really creeped out when something is bigger than it should be. I think it's a perception thing. I once had a picture book of a girl who went on a fishing boat with her dad and saw a whale. In the illustration the whale tale was like....way too big for a whale to ever have. Which in turn, made the whale into a kind of gigantic sea monster. Except the whole point of the book is 'ohh look at the whales and their majestic life force of happiness and peace'. Fuck. That. Whales can suck it.

Long Fingernails on (Evil) Men

Despite the fact that evil men are usually creepy---I have a really hard time adjusting my creepiness meter when an evil man also has very long, very gross fingernails. It's like getting punched in the stomach and then punched in the face. I should point out that I'm not creeped out by evil women with long fingernails not because I'm sexist but because it's not uncommon for women to have long fingernails. What IS uncommon is for you to buy a box of cereal at the convenience store down the street and to pass the cashier money and then notice his uncommonly long fingernails. Very upsetting. Which therefore caused me to add the (Evil) in parentheses because I've recently decided that all men with long fingernails should be avoided. Lest you end up like this.

Cat Hairballs and the Hairball Wheeze

Cat hairballs are one of the great mysteries of our time. Personally, I think the name should be changed to poop-balls because they look like a piece of poop. The first time it happened, I was dismayed to find that my sweet cat had defied me once more by pooping in my room but then as I cleaned it, I realized it was just a disgusting mass of fur, shaped to mimic a piece of a poop because cats are devious like that.

Almost as frightening, is the noise a cat makes when it's forming the hairball. Not the regurgitating noise mind you...this is the hairball wheeze and it usually happens at least a full day before the hairball ever makes it's appearance. The noise is not all too different from how it would sound if a lost and frightened old man climbed through your bedroom window and then had an asthma attack.

It's not something you want to experience in the middle of the night, when your alone, sad, and vulnerable.

Dario Argento: Cat Racist?

As we progress further and further into the lifespan of our dear planet Earth, we find that one of the greatest questions known to mankind is often sparked by the utmost controversy. I speak of course of the most important question this world has seen: Are you a cat person or a dog person? Dog people will continue to be offended by cat people and cat people will continue to be offended by dog people. There are also people who claim they enjoy both cats and dogs and then evil people who say that they like neither (also referred to as terrorists).

But what about the people that have a real grudge against cats? What about people that insist on putting terrifying depictions of mutilated cats into almost every single movie?

I like cats. I like dogs. I can't tell you which one I like more but if I did like for instance cats better than dogs, I wouldn't go around killing dogs in all my movies. That is why after careful research, I have come to the conclusion that Dario Argento is a cat racist. Clearly he had a bad experience with a cat once and now he thinks that all cats are inherently evil. Why else do cats suffer the terribleness of being eaten, drowned, or stuffed into plastic bags?

Okay, okay so maybe he's not a cat racist, I take it back. Dario Argento is just clearly a dog person. Let's examine the evidence.

Dogs Rule in Argento Land

There aren't too many dogs used in Argento's movies, but the dogs that are used are commonly given superhuman characteristics that make them, really fucking cool.

Take for instance the dog in Tenebre, that can scale really high walls and do some really cool shit. Or the seeing eye dog in Suspiria that rips apart his owners neck by the command of some bad ass witches.

Yes, dogs are consistently shown as being the more dominant animal in Argento films. They are seldom seen as weak, they are seldom killed and they are seldom seen as anything less than awesome.

Cats Die A Lot

As stated earlier, cats are always getting killed in Argento films. An entire bag of cats is drowned in Inferno. A cat is mutilated and then stuffed in a bag in Four Flies on Grey Velvet. A man eats cats in The Bird With the Crystal Plumage....HE EATS THEM. Cats are clearly getting the short end of the stick here. Even insects--the whores of the animal world get push to the highest plateau where Jennifer Connelly is able to communicate with them and solve murders in Phenomena. And let's not forget about monkeys. Monkeys get it all. Something is clearly strange about all of this.

A Cat That Does Not Die

Oh look a cat that doesn't die in Inferno... except some evil curse inducing wench is holding it! More proof that only that Dario Argento believes that only evil people like cats...

Well, after all this careful research it is pretty obvious that my original hypothesis was correct. Dario Argento IS a cat racist. My work here is done.

NOTE: This post is mostly kidding. I love Dario Argento a lot.

But still, it's a little suspicious.

Popular Sayings Explained Through Horror Movies

I'm pretty famous for using a saying incorrectly. Usually in front of a lot of people resulting in embarrassment and hurt feelings. Hey, it happens. In order to prevent this from happening anymore than it does, I've decided to give a few lessons. Not only are sayings neat because most of them are hilarious, but finding out their origins is fascinating as well. Since this is a horror blog and not a bo-ring blog however, I've decided to spice things up and teach each saying by using an example from a horror movie. These first few are pretty standard unless your name is Andre Dumas and you are dumb. Perhaps in the next lessons we will jazz things up with some lesser known sayings to make things a little more challenging for all you normal, smart people.

THE BEES KNEES

Excellent. The highest quality.

This saying in particular is the one that I had been using incorrectly for the better part of my life. I always thought the bees knees was something bad. Something really crappy would happen to me, like America's Next Top Model would be a repeat, or my delivery order would be screwed up and I would ball up my fists, furrow my brows and exclaim... "Errrrr well that's just the bees knees!" On the off chance that I was with people while uttering this saying, I would obviously be met with confused stares. It's not my fault that this saying doesn't make any sense. What's so great about the bees knees? Do bees even have knees? Sorry for being logical, but bees sting you and if they do have knees (which I doubt it) then I doubt they are very great. Therefore I made the connection that bees are bad which by default means the bees knees are bad.

Well, we can't win them all and sadly I was very wrong. Apparently this saying comes from the (maybe incorrect) theory that bees would store nectar behind their knees. In order to explain this saying using a horror movie I will use an antonym.

The Wicker Man Remake is NOT the bees knees.



Things that are the bees knees:

The Donald

Suspiria

Cats that wear party hats

BITE THE BULLET
Accept the inevitable impending hardship and endure the resulting pain with fortitude.



This is an interesting origin and one that many of us may have heard incorrectly. Originally it was thought that the phrase comes from the idea that in time of war when there was no anesthetic or what have you, soldiers would bite down on bullets as a way to sort of hide the pain of getting ligaments amputated off. Recent evidence has disproved this theory by saying that it is more likely that this phrase was originally, "bite the billet" and that it was changed to bullet. A billet is a wooden stick, which seems much more likely to have been bitten down on, apparently. For more information observe this awesome site.



In terms of horror movies, the most obvious one that comes to mind is Martyrs





Clearly, Anna accepted the inevitable and endured the pain with fortitude. Clearly.





BAD EGG
Someone or something that disappoints expectations.


Hopefully like me, other people immediately think of the baddest egg on the block when they hear this phrase. Apparently this phrase comes from the disappointment that often ensues when shelling a boiled egg and finding the egg to be bad. I'm not sure how excited the average person gets when unshelling a boiled egg, but I suppose if you really, really, wanted a boiled egg it would be pretty crappy if it was a bad egg. I guess.


The best way to teach this saying is by using remakes. Most of us, for some reason get a little excited when we hear things about remakes. Whether it be because of the director, or actors, or perhaps even eyeing a few pre-released screen shots, for one reason or another we tend to expect some form of excellence. As is usually the case however, those expectations are quickly dashed.

RZ's Halloween

and

A Nightmare on Elm Street

Are bad eggs.





LET THE CAT OUT OF THE BAG
To disclose a secret.


I've always been curious to find out where this saying comes from. Whoever is hiding cats in bags seems like some kind of mean person that I don't want to be friends with but then again...you never know. As is the case with this, this saying probably comes from when people used to switch pigs with cats at the market, so when the person got home with their tasty pig, they would find a cat instead. Personally I would be thrilled to find a cat in a bag but that's just me.


Correlating this to horror is simple. Often times, horror movies have a twist ending. And often times those twists get ruined. So for many people,

The Sixth Sense

and Orphan were ruined because someone let the cat out of the bag.

SHORT END OF THE STICK
To come off worse in a bargain or contest.


There has been speculation that the short end of the stick doesn't make much sense either. Rather, "short" may be a euphemism for "shit" which makes much more sense. In any case this saying still brings confusion to many.


In horror movie terms the best example is from Rosemary's Baby.



When Guy Woodhouse made a deal with the devil that the devil could impregnate his wife with his devil spawn....Rosemary got the short end of the stick.