Forbidden Planet: If I Had a Friend Like Robby

I admit that part of me was hoping Forbidden Planet would be REALLY forbidden. Like, naked people forbidden. Like a goat mating with a dog forbidden. Like jaywalking forbidden. Unfortunately that is not really the case, despite what the completely amazing and awesome poster tells us.

I mean come on, I can't be the only one who pictured robots getting frisky and maybe raping a woman right?

The good news is that Forbidden Planet does not need to actually be forbidden in order to rock a few socks off. It's quite a catchy little number if you will and part of its main appeal is this whole idea about a mystery. I loved how even though Forbidden Planet is a Sci-Fi film, it still managed to be closely related to a murder mystery! It's true. Something afoul is afoot on the planet Altair IV and we're not sure what. I dig that. But mostly I dig Robby the Robot, and Leslie Nielsen and how strangely aroused the film made me---but more on that later.

Forbidden Planet takes place in the future as a 30 year old Leslie Nielsen

commands a starship sent out to investigate the planet Altair IV and check up on the status of Dr. Mobius' expedition to colonize the planet. Upon arrival, the group finds that all the inhabitants were wiped out, only Dr. Mobius and his daughter Altaira survive. What could have possibly caused an entire colony to be killed and yet leave two people and a bunch of animals AND an awesome robot alive? Hmmmmmm. Hmmmmm indeed!

Forbidden Planet cracks me up. It's just a great little piece of cinema that I feel is almost a little too good if you know what I mean. Granted a giant portion of my immense longing for the film is thanks to Robby.

Robby the Robot is something of a legend in the Sci-Fi world. The robot, who has his own IMDB page would only end up being officially credited to one more film-- The Invisible Boy, but in the uncredited department....well! Let me tell you. Robby is pretty much everywhere you look these days. Or those days. Or something. Robby managed to finagle his way into episodes of the Twilight Zone, an episode of the Addams Family, Lost in Space, Mork & Mindy, an AT&T commercial and my personal favorite---Earth Girls Are Easy.

Besides being stunningly popular, Robby is just a really great robot. He makes me lament the fact that I'll never have a friend like him. I'll never have someone to make me really, really, really short dresses. I'll never have someone to make me more whiskey when my stock runs out. I'll never have someone to be my robot butler. I'LL NEVER HAVE A TRUE FRIEND! It's a cruel, cruel world.

Looking past the depressing nature of that realization and getting back on track here, Forbidden Planet is pretty amazing. It also made me suspiciously aroused which I suspect is Altaira's fault. A lone female on a planet suddenly surrounded by all these hunky men in 1950s space garb.

Come onnnnn. HOTNESS. Please tell me I'm not alone in being utterly turned on by THAT prospect. Am I providing too much information? Probably and I apologize. But whatever. Shit is hot and I'm not afraid to admit it.

My other favorite part about Forbidden Planet is how awesome the futuristic technology was. I know it isn't quite the 23rd century yet, but god can we speed it up? I really want to nab a couple of these inventions for myself....

Like these weird hyperdrive beams that ultimately just turn you into neon globs of light.

Futuristic ear phones that look like a really fancy pair of earrings.

Magical whistles that beckon forest animals and TIGERS into your Wizard of Oz garden.

Suspicious gizmos that look like penises.

And laser guns that can turn leaping tigers into FLAMES.

Gosh, the 23rd Century has it made!

The effects in the film are something to be admired. Call me crazy, but special effects that are actually illustrated are kind of better than most of the CGI out there today.

Alright nevermind that looks pretty shitty. Here's an easy fix, just build giant bulldogs with goatees. Speaking of which the big twist in Forbidden Planet is kind of brilliant. For a minute there I thought all the science stuff was going to go straight over my head (Keeping in mind I was in Honors Chemistry.... that's right, what what) but then psychology started to get brought into the mix and psychology is my JAM. Again, the conventions of Forbidden Planet never cease to amaze me. The film is funny, at times thrilling, intelligent and just kind of nifty. Plus, I still can't get over this 30 year old version of Leslie Nielsen. And all these crazy Hollywood style kisses!

Why don't people still kiss like that? Or are people still kissing like that, and no one told me? Thanks a lot you guys.

Some Things About Mars Attacks!

Damn it, I don't have time anymore! I'm assuming I'm still just getting used to my new lifestyle and that someday, one day, I will wake up from this busy coma. I better at least. I think a lack of blogging makes me feel depressed. Is that normal? Anyways, a few nights ago I decided to watch Mars Attacks! For no particular reason other than the fact that I hadn't seen it in a long time and that one particular scene always used to give me nightmares (I kid you not). Then when I started watching it I realized a few things and here are those things. Things that I'm going to talk about right now.

1. I GET IT NOW

When I saw this when I was younger, I had no clue about old Sci-Fi films. I think I thought Star Wars was the first, last and only Sci-Fi film ever made because I have no memory of ever thinking about or watching anything else. Mars Attacks just seemed like a weird bad movie to me. It was over the top and ridiculous and the aliens wore little red speedos?

I mean what the hell was going on there?

Now however as I find myself to be semi-well versed in the art of horror and Sci-Fi movies....I get Mars Attacks! It's a homage, a spoof, and it contains so many little nods of joy that it's almost challenging to keep track of them. My favorite aspect is how the alien spaceships are so classic in their ultra retro saucer shape.

It gives them that eerie characteristic of floating as if by a string although this time they're floating thanks to poorly orchestrated CGI. No matter though, these alien spaceships are nice little throwbacks to a time when this design was the only one that we knew. Neat isn't it?

2. Who isn't in Mars Attacks?

Again, when you are young and impressionable---any actors that are older than 30 (or who are not Jack Nicholson) mean nothing to you. Due to this, I had no clue that Mars Attacks had such a fantastically star studded cast. Annette Benning was the loopy, hippie, woman?!

Say what?!

Natalie Portman is the presidents daughter? JACK BLACK is the douche head bro?

CHRISTINA APPLEGATE is the trailer slut next door? PAM GRIER?

JIM BROWN?

GLENN CLOSE?

This movie hurts my head. Plus, Tom Jones, Sarah Jessica Parker, Marty McFly, Pierce Brosnan, Martin Short, Jack Nicholson, Danny Devito.....the list forges on and on and on and on.

3. The Martian Girl Haunts My Dreams

If you aren't a total whiz at Tim Burton and his trademarks and style (Or if you do not read the "Trivia" section of IMDB), then presumably you do not know who Lisa Marie is. Lisa Marie by the way is NOT the same person as Lisa Marie Presley, however much myself of the past would like to believe it to be true. Nope, Lisa Marie is actually an ex of Burton himself which therefore equals face time in a few of his films. Like Ed Wood where she played Vampira, or in Sleepy Hollow where she played Lady Crane. Here in Mars Attacks, Lisa Marie plays the Martian Girl also known as one of the main reasons I have an irrational fear of people floating.

One of these days I will form of a collection of scary people floating moments, and certainly this one may take the top spot. I dreaded this scene so much when I was little, that I would change the channel when it was happening. I hate the way that the Martian Girl floats as she walks with her arms doing that weird thing and the scary Danny Elfman in the background. It really gives me the willies.

4. Shit Is Serious (Only Not)

I couldn't help but notice as I re-watched Mars Attacks last night, that shit is serious. If you take away the fact that film is a comedy and a spoof then you're left with one brutal and depressing film. I read (In the trivia section yes) that the studio objected to Jack Nicholson being killed off in the film and proclaimed that he simply could not be killed. This of course prompted Burton to place Nicholson in two roles....and kill both of them. The point is. Jack Nicholson? That's all we care about?

In case you've forgotten, pretty much anyone who is anyone dies in Mars Attacks. This is a case of the Janet Leigh syndrome multiplied by 30 and shoved up your butt. Not only that, but entire branches of the government are wiped out in mere seconds---and cute golden retrievers get fried as a mere afterthought. There's a lot of carnage in Mars Attacks, and when you're 10 years old--that whole "Oh this is a comedy so it's okay" thing does NOT apply. I was horrified to see Marty McFly's skeleton roasting in the desert sun.

Horrified to see Glenn Close get crushed by a falling chandelier. Horrified to see that cute golden golden retriever get fried. Which reminds me...

5. Dark and Loving It

Mars Attacks is dark yo. And believe it or not--much of it was supposed to be even darker. Several scenes or ideas for scenes were cut out of the final project that would have tipped the scales indefinitely towards the dark side. Scenes like Mr. Lee in the beginning being trampled to death by the herd of burning cows,

Byron actually dying and just more and more frying of people by the martians. Looking at Mars Attacks is one of those situations that confuses my head. I know it's supposed to be funny and a spoof, but watching all these seemingly innocent people get killed in 2 seconds for no good reason---has always left me with a bit of a sad face.

It terrified me as a child, seeing all these well known landmarks being wiped off the face of the earth.

I kept picturing myself watching my own family get killed by the martians, my own dog, my neighbors and friends. In fact, I'm about 90% sure that at this point in my life, I feared an alien attack more than a shark attack. And it was definitely Mars Attacks that kept me more afraid than a film like Independence Day. Can you believe it? Me neither. Suffice to say, Mars Attacks holds more weight than a lot of people give it credit for. Let's have a moment of silence for all those lost in the martian attacks of 1996 shall we?

Super 8: An Open Letter to the World

As I came out of the theater after seeing Super 8, I couldn't help but ask the world a question. Technically I asked the sky, but it was really addressed to the world and so I assume that Morgan Freeman (God) passed the question along to the rest of you. The question was: when did we stop simply watching a film? When did we start analyzing and picking apart the movie instead of turning off our minds and getting absorbed into it? My friend once asked me if I found that I had a hard time watching movies and NOT writing about them. At the time the answer was yes. I was in my prime stride of horror blogging, and everything I watched was no longer a movie--it was an opportunity. Even if you are not a film blogger, I find that more and more these days people are exiting movie theaters and blabbing away about how a movie is like another movie. Or how a director is a hack. Or how the themes and the tone of the film did not match up with the story.

Granted, I do talk about those things but technically I am a part of this world and therefore my own question was also posed to me. The point is. Why do people hate Super 8? At some point during the movie I did start thinking about "things". I started questioning things and trying to figure out why other people did not enjoy the film. Before long however, I snapped out of it and from that moment on dismissed any real deep thoughts. I wanted to savor the moment. I wanted to always remember that feeling of being completely absorbed into a film. That moment where you aren't even aware that people are sitting around you. I had heard people talk about that moment and realized tonight that I have never truly felt it until now. Naturally, if you need a definitive answer on whether or not you should see Super 8 the answer is yes. And after some ranting, I'll tell you why.

I really wish people would stop comparing movies to other movies based on central themes or characters. I ranted about this once before and now I'm bringing it back. Super 8 is nothing like E.T., Alien, or Close Encounters of the Third Kind, so stop comparing them on a base level. Also, stop accusing Steven Spielberg of A. sucking and B. making the same movies. Why? Because Super 8 is not Steven Spielberg's movie. Sure, there are subtle smells of the Spielberg creeping in here and there, but as an avid L.O.S.T fan, I'm pretty confident in asserting that Super 8 reeks overwhelmingly of J.J. Abrams.

The thing that sets J.J.Abrams apart from just about everyone else is what he puts at stake. Thanks to whatever strange super powers the man possesses, his films and TV shows always end up putting something at stake for the audience rather than the characters. Think about it. If Steven Spielberg's strengths are his characters and his ability to make even the strongest man or woman cry, then J.J. Abrams' is his ability to deeply involve the audience. His mysteries and the idea that something is hidden beneath that film that WE need to figure out before the characters do, is always something that I feel very strongly. It's like I can't get to sleep that night until I crack the code myself. I remember once staying up all night reading a summary of "Our Mutual Friend" because Desmond had a copy of it in the hatch. I was positive that no one but me had thought to do that and that I would be the one to find out some earth shattering clue about the island.

The mysteries in Super 8 are condensed a bit to the point where the window that you have to solve it before the characters is disappointingly small---but luckily it doesn't take anything away from the film. These strange happenings, these mysteries are always presented as trees, with giant roots spanning for miles. Little things seem like nothing then quickly evolve into highly important and life changing details. I love this. I cannot get enough of it in fact and luckily for me Super 8 is crawling with it.

What am I even talking about anymore? Is this even a review? Probably not and I realize I'm not making the situation any better. Whatever. I'm also coming off a two week high of having a real job and actual things to do doing the work day. It blows my mind and I'm not adjusting properly, which is probably why I can't even form coherent sentences and interesting things to talk about. In case you wanted to know by the way, the best way to tell if I'm having writer's block is when I start talking about hookers.

Ummmm what were we talking about? Oh yeah. Super 8 is a great fucking film. I don't care if you have all these important things to say about it or why you think it sucks. You are wrong (according to me and Kurt Russell) (I don't even know if he's seen it, but he usually agrees with me so I think we're safe) and I am right. Go see Super 8 and have a good time doing it. Enjoy it for its entertainment and its mysteries. Enjoy it for its blatant displays of cheesiness or its hearty doses of Daddy issues. Enjoy it for how it reminds you of your childhood or when people still suspected that the Russians were behind everything. Enjoy it for its laughs, for its thrills---but most importantly---enjoy it because it's a movie. Simple as that.

Splice: There Are Some Things You Just Do NOT Do (Like Dren)

Splice is weird. Not in a cool Santa Sangre, armless circus performer way though... more like in a I feel weird in my pants kind of way. Alright, so I KNEW what was going to happen with Dren and Adrian Brody but I don't think I was mentally prepared to handle that and that little scene at the end there on a Monday afternoon. Thursday afternoon maybe but this, this is just not Monday material.

I had the opportunity to see Splice in Boston with Vincenzo Natali in attendance, but I missed out on it because no one would go with me. This was before I got all brave and decided to venture out to movies alone. So now more than a year later, I am finally watching the film that divided so many people. There were strong camps of "worst film of the year" and strong camps of "best film of the year" and smaller camps of "ehhh it was okay". So what did I think about it? I don't know I still feel really weird about everything.

The thing about Vincenzo Natali is that he is very smart and it's kind of threatening--or at least it is to me as someone who still cannot figure out a 20% tip in their head. We saw it in Cube in a rather startling and mind numbingly brilliant way and we see it again in Splice only this time with science. Here we have two scientists and lovers who have revolutionized gene splicing by creating entirely new animals from several different ones.

When they wish to take their experiments one step further and introduce human DNA into the mix, they find that cannot due to that whole little thing about one step at a time and blah blah we can't let science get out of hand, crap. So unbeknownst to the big guys upstairs, Clive and Elsa proceed with their experiment and soon create Dren. As assumed, the "experiment" does grow out of control and Dren's genetic makeup starts making things very complicated for everyone.

When I saw the preview for Splice, the audience laughed. I imagine, or I hope rather, that the same happened throughout the actual movie. For some reason, I still fail to see where all those fits of laughter comes from. Yes, I wanted to laugh too but why? Was the film purposely made to be funny? It didn't feel like it was, and that always trips me up. Is it the writing? The acting? The overwhelming absurdity of it all? I guess.

One thing's for sure, Splice is creative and original. I don't think anyone, even the ones that did not like Splice could ignore that fact. While I think that I can safely say that I did like the film, I did have kind of an issue with Sarah Polley. Did anyone else feel like she was not a very good actress in this? A lot of her lines felt very forced and awkward. Maybe it's the character but, Elsa's mothering skills were really embarrassing to me.

Maybe I was just altogether embarrassed at the fact that Dren was a person and not an experiment. Or MAYBE I just thought her dresses were a little too short okay?

Let's talk about Dren for a moment. Dren is creepy. Hands down. So maybe you think she's a little pretty or hot but then if you're normal you'll hopefully notice that whoa she has 4 fingers, or whoa her legs are fucked up or whoa she has a pointy tongue

and then you'll immediately stop thinking those thoughts. Please take note that, "being normal" evidently does not apply to Adrian Brody.

While we're on the subject though, don't you think that Dren should come out with her own instructional videos? I think she could make a killing. Just imagine the possibilities.

Drawing with Dren

Dancing with Dren

Makeup with Dren

Kitty snuggle time with Dren

Naughty time with Dren

She has talent, why not exploit it?

Oh right because she eats wild animals and is bald. Oh well.

On the serious side of things, the thing I like most about Splice is how it really isn't about Dren at all. Overall the movie seems to be more about Elsa and her foggy past and her even foggier motivations. The revelations made later in the film were surprising to me and it really made me think about everything in a much different way. It made me question the need for Dren's existence and the relationship between Elsa and her mother and how it is similar or different to her and Dren's relationship. There's also a thrilling theme going on here involving the word control. On the scientific side of things, control is a huge thing and necessary to carry out experiments. On the personal side of things, Elsa needed control over Dren and that is why she carried out the procedure in the first place. You could also say actually that Elsa possesses a strange control over Clive as well. Someday when I'm feeling more smart and up to the challenge, I think I will delve deeper into this theme and its importance....yes one day.....

Elsa is a strange character. Some even say she is the true villain in Splice and I can't exactly say that I disagree. Well maybe that's just because I didn't like Sarah Polley, but then again there is that abrupt turn in the film where Elsa goes from kind and nurturing to eeek you're kind of crazy. A few of the people on the IMDB boards believe Splice is largely misogynistic because all the women in the film tempt the men into making bad decisions. And to those people I ask, what about the men? They aren't exactly shown in the brightest light either, being portrayed as sex crazed men who seem to want nothing more than sex and rape. What about them hmmm? Maybe, and this is just a thought, but maybe Splice is just a film. Stop turning everything into a man vs woman battle alright?

Overall, I think I like Splice. There are a few things I'm not 100% sold on but mostly I feel at least a little smarter and cultured having seen it. I totally dig how Natali has that power to make us feel completely enclosed in our main character's environment. In Cube it was obviously inside the Cube but in Splice, it's a little less obvious. Elsa and Clive are so absorbed in their scientific lives that we rarely get a chance to see or experience the outside world. We are constricted, just as they are to science and to Dren. Fascinating stuff I say.

Oh and by the way, congratulations on splicing various animal DNA to make two giant penises, Clive and Elsa.