Sunday, October 9, 2016

The Witch: People Are Talking. Talking BOUT WITCHES.

Last year, all anyone could talk about was The Witch.
“Oh my God you guys, The Witch is EVERYTHING”
“The Witch scared the crap out of me”
“Black Phillip for President” 
“Holy crapping crap holy crap scary”

That’s in a nutshell what the general chatter surrounding The Witch was like. So what was I to do while listening to this endless chatter, lonely and removed from any and all new horror movies? Sit in a corner and sulk until it became available to watch instantly obviously. Which brings me to now—or rather last night when I snuggled in to finally watch The Witch. The following is based on true events.

Until about 15 minutes after I finished the movie I didn’t think much of it. My initial thoughts were as follows:

1. Wait, what are they saying?
2. Crazy Aunt Lysa it’s you, you crazy bitch.
3. That knit hat looks awkwardly modern
4. Black Phillip real or imaginary?
5. Seriously though, can ANYONE understand what they are saying?
6. Oh OK I guess Black Phillip does exist and is also a rapist.
7. The end…..wait what just happened?

And then that was it. I turned off the TV, shrugged at my lack of reaction/emotional reaction and went to the bathroom. Now here’s where it gets interesting. Whilst taking a pee, I suddenly became overwhelmed by an inexplicable burden of unease. It was like my brain finally dozed off and my SOUL awakened and grabbed me by the throat and was like, “SERIOUSLY THOUGH WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!”

It’s hard to explain. The Witch is neither overwhelmingly scary or suspenseful yet it creates such a strong atmosphere of unease and latent terror that it’s almost shocking. Sure, at times the film feels a bit slow and painstakingly olden days-ish, complete with so many “Thou art a witch” proclamations I thought for a minute I was back rehearsing my high school production of the Crucible-----but in true witch fashion, The Witch really sneaks up on you. I believe this is where the film truly excels. It scares you without you realizing it.

I blame this mostly on the 2001: A Space Odyssey-like track of terrifying choral screams and also too many goats. Oh plus levitation and things left eerily unexplained. It wasn't what I was expecting and I still feel like maybe I missed a crucial part of why this left people so terrified but then again---no, no I think I'm right. It terrified people because it stayed with them. Right? RIGHT?!

There may be a lot of questions. People may have needed things explained better. But fuck those guys. Sometimes you just want feel a sense of horror, not have it shoved in your face. Sure, we got to see the Witch in the flesh (not counting the Witch's backside) only once, but is that the part everyone will remember? I don't think so. For me it was the agonizing choral screaming and the creepy levitation at the film's conclusion. It will likely be different for you and for everyone and that I think is the mark of a truly terrifying film.

Thursday, February 4, 2016


I'll have you know that nothing is better than Teen Witch. I know this because:

A. Its soundtrack predominately features a Jazz Saxophone.
B.  Its musical numbers are topped by nothing in existence (see what I did there?)
C. It's an 80s explosion of endless, nonstop awesomeness in your face over and over and over again.
E. Shut up I'm always right about everything except when I thought 'too much cheese' wasn't a thing.

Teen Witch is one of those movies that makes me feel instantly better about myself, my non-existent love life and the fact that I didn't have a gross little brother who ate cake under my bed while I was sleeping.

And then got his gross cake fingers stuck to my love letters about Brad.

There's just so much to love. But since we're all busy and stuff here are just 5 key things.

1. Fashion.

Nothing says 'these characters are nerds' more than the early fashion sense of Louise and Polly.

The hobo biker look is in you guys. I swear. 

2. Rap Posse

Like most high schools---this one has an official Rap group compromised of white guys wearing their grandfather's old coats. We are still unsure of whether these are original rap numbers or if they are just lip syncing.

3. Musical numbers

God I miss the days of dancing around in my purple leotard in the locker room.

I also love when they awkwardly stick the actresses who can't dance into these group dance scenes.

\"What? You say you can't dance? OK well just stand on the side and hop around a bit, no one will notice!"

Hey guys, what do you feel like doing today?
Oh, I don't know let's stand outside my car and rap. Good thing none of you can top my tank top that accidentally shrunk in the dryer. Oh wait...that vest is KILLING IT. 

4. Mr. Weaver

Things I love about the Mr. Weaver scenes:
--No other teachers seem to think it's alarming that a pervert, asshole possible 2nd coming of the devil and/or Hitler is teaching these kids English.
--Louise somehow uses her witch powers to know not only what exact clothes Mr. Weaver would be wearing in class but also the color of his underwear.
--Speaking of which. No one seems to notice Louise is disrobing a doll in the classroom.                        

--Why does the class think their perverted, asshole teacher stripping his clothes off is funny? Why aren't people horrified and crying?




Rejected photo from Tiger Beat  shoot circa 1988

Oh wait no that was this one--editors deemed it too sexy for the centerfold. Jokes on them--I already blew this photo up and taped it to my ceiling.