Sunday, December 6, 2015

Goodnight Mommy: Nevermind, I Don't Want Kids Anymore.

Goodnight Mommy has been recommended to me by at least 2 people. Of those 2 people, 1 is famous and the other one I've never met in person. Those of you bad at math this equals= must see in my book. But honestly, I'm just really looking for a good movie you know? Unfortunately, I could only watch Goodnight Mommy on Amazon which means I can't take fun screenshots which is a shame because I had some really good ones in mind---and also this post probably won't be as funny now without them. Poo.

Goodnight Mommy is an Austrian 'Psychological Thriller' which in layman's terms means that the movie is not what you think it is about and also probably there is a twist. It's important to know what these genre tags really mean you know. SO, the movie is about twin boys who live in a secluded Austrian arty house and who get into shenanigans on a daily basis. One day their mother returns having just had plastic surgery and to them she seems different. Soon their suspicions escalate into dangerous and terrifying territories.

First of all---the BEST thing about this movie is how it brings me back to Eyes Without a Face.

There is nothing better and I repeat NOTHING BETTER than a creepy bandage mask that distorts an actor or actress' face. There is something so simplistically creepy about this that makes my insides squirm with excitement. I love it because it's not some otherworldly mask or some ingenious special makeup effect. It's bandages.

Second of all---I love me some psychological horror. Unfortunately this means that I can guess 'twists' within seconds of watching a movie and then I spend the whole movie checking off points in my theory that continue to be correct. Good news I won. The thing is though--knowing the twist right away doesn't ruin the movie. What happens as the movie progresses is terrifying whether you know the twist or not.

Also notable here is how our loyalties change throughout. In the beginning part of the film, we are made to be on the boys' side. 'Playing along' so to speak and questioning at least on some level that their suspicions may have some truth to them after all. But the really great part of this is that even if we trust their suspicions at least to some extent---what ends up happening is so off-putting and horrifying that we come away being on the mother's side by the end. Actually, maybe we are never meant to be on the side of the boys. I mean......little boys that fill an entire fish tank with cockroaches are no friend of mine OK? What the fuck.

Here are some other thoughts about this movie.


I continue to be amazed at how good foreign movies are at gore. This is not gore as we know it-- this is gore done with a steady hand that knows exactly what will make you cringe without being too over the top. There is a scene here involving superglue and scissors that made me climb out of my skin and cower in the corner, weeping. I still get the heebie jeebies  thinking about it.

The Red Cross

I don't know how they do things over in Austria, but if solicitors come a knocking and you don't answer apparently they just fucking come in? What the hell. If you can't pretend that you aren't home when the Jehovah's Witnesses come---what safety is left in this world? Ooh....that might just be a fantastic idea for a horror movie. Don't steal it.


Yes there is a cat in this and yes it ends up dead.

Holy Shit Balls

By the end, this movie becomes so unsettling that it's difficult to digest all at once. It kind of sadly reminded me of that movie where the kids lock their parents in the basement so that they won't get a divorce...what was that called..,OH yeah House Arrest.

What a shitty movie. The entire time you are thinking---'Well, I guess they can never let their parents out because then their parents will probably kill them'. And also, 'Wow this movie really sucks.' The same is true (except for the shitty part) of Goodnight Mommy in that at one point you determine that the boys have definitely gone too far and when that happens you come to the horrific realization that there is no turning back.

Overall, I was mostly impressed with Goodnight Mommy. It's very quiet in how it delivers its horror and it kind of sneaks up on you. You really need to stay with it I think in order to become affected here. It's the building up of the madness that really seals the deal. Sure, I came away with a few questions but they weren't deal breakers. Knowing more about certain aspects of the film won't make it any more or less great and that is important to note. It has some superb shots happening and I find overall that it's very understated in its attack but dang, does it sneak up on you in the end.

Feel free to discuss fun spoilery stuff in the comments!

Sunday, November 22, 2015

The Taking of Deborah Logan: Your Inspiration is Showing

I'm not 100% certain, but I think that there's been a lot of talk about The Taking of Deborah Logan. Probably good talk but then again I find it difficult to keep up with these things while trying to remain vigilant about watching Teen Mom 2 so who knows. What I do know is what I think about it and what I think is well.....I don't know--- let's talk it out.

The Taking of Deborah Logan is essentially a student film about an Alzheimer's patient named Deborah Logan. When we first meet Deborah and her daughter Sarah, things haven't gone completely south yet.

Soon, her condition worsens and eventually we come to the conclusion that this is probably more than just Alzheimer's. It's probably the devil.

OK, Deborah Logan gets major points for not just being an exorcism movie. Instead of relying on the expected exorcism tropes it does take the movie to several new and unexplored places....well places that haven't all been combined into one film at least. What I mean by that is that The Taking of Deborah Logan seems to make a list of all the films that have scared us over the past few decades or so and then used the high points of said films to its advantage. Let's do a quick recap of 'inspirations'

The Exorcist III 
--The concept of mentally ill elderly people being possessed was never more fantastic than it was in the Exorcist III. Old ladies crawling on the ceiling is something we as horror viewers will never forget--but also the concept of the elderly and more importantly the elderly suffering from Dementia or Alzheimer's being sound passageways for demons and their shenanigans is brilliant. So although I applaud Deborah Logan for recognizing that--I don't find the film's overall concept too groundbreaking. Also not enough old ladies walking on ceilings.

Paranormal Activity
When I first began watching, I was pleased to see that the video taping was A. explained and B. not accented by loud amplified sounds and lame night vision cameras. However, then the cameraman begins installing motion capture cameras in the house which immediately made my excitement fizzle. These cameras are installed way before there's any inkling that something nefarious is afoot, so their early presence makes you question their necessity. Also, it immediately brings us back to the Paranormal Activity hey-day of night vision scenes and replaying moments that we already saw so that we can hear the characters in the film discuss how crazy it is that it happened. Hey, at least Micah Sloat was not in this.

The Blair Witch Project
Old town legends, creepy old cabins/mines in the woods, disappearing wouldn't immediately think of Deborah Logan having all these tropes (especially because it's supposed to be a documentary about Alzheimer's. But lo and behold, there they are. And then it's not too long before we see  our main characters running in the woods while holding their camera and being scared or people's backs being used at ultimate moments of terror.

The Descent
When I saw Sarah start crawling through the claustrophobic mine opening, I had a feeling we'd be seeing some Descent nods.. And here we do---quick startling glimpses not of cave dwellers but of Deborah Logan looking very scary is enough for me to remember how great The Descent is.

Sure, there are probably more I'm missing, but these stuck out to me the most. It's not that I feel like Deborah Logan stole these scare tactics but more of a feeling that I wish it would have made some scare tactics on its own. The film tries to bring some of its own special brand of scares but by the time we get to that point--it has all suddenly become too ridiculous to swallow. Pun intended....mwahaha.

Look---it has its strong points but unfortunately all those strong points owe their strengths to better, more well done movies. Also, I wish it hadn't relied on the jump scares noises...! I was so excited that we'd be missing those, since it's you know....a documentary and everything but nope, there they were. I felt actually a lot like I did when I saw Paranormal Activity---that the real 'scares' are the noises and that those noises really only work if blasted into your ears at the movie theater. Yes, there are some gross moments of skin trauma, some fun spewing of earthworms, and some naked switchboard action but overall I think the film suffers from just wanting to do and BE too many things.

Oh and serious serious bonus points for casting Anne Ramsay aka Helen Haley ('Has anyone seen my new red hat? Oh, piss on your hat) from A League of Their Own. She is fantastic.

Monday, November 16, 2015

Creep: Indecision 2015

I'm not good at making decisions. When faced with a menu of several delicious things, I experience an inner turmoil that typically ends in tears. I once sat staring at my TV for 20 minutes trying to decide whether to watch a show on Hulu or Netflix (in the end I ate a piece of cake instead and fell asleep). Which brings me now to my latest indecision. Creep: Yea or Nay?


On the one hand--Creep has some fairly good things going for it. 

1. Mark Duplass--- funny guy also very creepy
2. Simple plot/vehicle = minimal story shenanigans
3. Well placed jump scares
4. Well placed creepiness

on the other hand.

1. Is Mark Duplass just creepy all the time? Probably. 
2. Simple plot= boring
3. Well placed jump scares= predictable
4. Creepiness turns into silliness?

This is my struggle. Mark Duplass is so funny in this other roles that this felt like a continuation of his funny character which therefore made me take the entirety of the movie less seriously. I know it's supposed to be a dark comedy but ultimately I feel like the comedy far outweighed the darkness. Also---every time he was being 'creepy' I mostly got 'funny' so I didn't feel nearly as creeped out as I should have.

The jump scares were very unkind to my heart, but does that warrant a gold star in fear factor? Probably not. I will say even after you notice when those jumps are coming they still get you every time which I suppose does say something however much my nerves of steel don't want to admit.
And sure---some of it was very creepy but nothing felt very unexpected to me. You have to know going in that the guy's 'story' seems weird right? And that his enthusiasm about hugging and willingness to share 'tubby time' with a stranger does not mean good things ahead. 

So when we do get that.... dun dun dun realization, we're not pulling out our hair in anguish or anything. We're more like... ummmm yeah? 

So then I guess my question is. What is left? What else do we have here that instills this film as something you should be watching? I don't know. Creepy wolf masks? 

Good ending special effect? I guess I turned my indecision into a decision after all.

Creep: Meh. 

Monday, November 9, 2015

Last Shift: Bring Extra Underwear

Well. And then that happened.

That's what I've managed to come up with after staring at my computer screen for 20 minutes after Last Shift ended. It's not that I'm in awe by what I just saw but more like ummm what the fuck just happened? Also I need to change my underwear. Also seriously what just happened? Oh right THAT.

Hot tip: If you're not into shitting your pants every 5 seconds, maybe stay away from this one.

Last Shift is about a rookie cop whose very first assignment is to sit in a vacated police station all night and wait for some hazmat guys to arrive--who in typical fashion give a time window of soon-never. Pretty soon, she starts realizing that her first assignment pretty much sucks. A lot.

Alright so let's start by saying that half of this movie is pretty brilliant. It's set up in a way that really makes you (or at least me) appreciate the intelligence of the story choice. The key to making a great scary movie on a low budget is the concept. Abandoned police station means that you can basically just use an empty office building and boom you have your creepy atmosphere. Who needs props, when everything is supposed to be gone? See? genius. Secondly, it truly again utilizes the less is more tactic by injecting some very decent scares pretty early on. Simple things that we see time and time again somehow come off feeling like new. How did they do it? I'm not sure. But then again I'm still not really sure how airplanes work so maybe I'm not the best person to ask.

The point is---there is a lot of good happening in least for a long while. Creepy phone calls, haywire lights, suspicious shoeless homeless men (also the name of my new band), and inklings of some Manson like clan people whose souls haven't been put to rest. What more can one ask for? The whole first half of the movie is infact both a lot of fun and insanely terrifying. There are a lot of dark doorways that have the ability to make one very uneasy.

And sure--music cues provide jump scares now and again, but it's done fairly smartly and doesn't use up all its cliches at once which I respect.

Now I would liken this movie to a pot of boiling milk. In the beginning, the heat is fairly low yet constant. The heat is good and we need it. Then you look away for a minute and all of a sudden the milk is out of control and boiling all over your stove probably causing a fire. All this seems to happen when there is about 30 minutes left in the movie. It's like the volume gets turned up to 1,000 and there's all these like bloody faced people in your face, and some guy's got pointy devil teeth and he just keeps popping up and yelling at you...dead Dad's are phoning you and then there's all these hooligans running around and you're like what the fuck is happeninggggg my head ahhhhh. It feels like you're in a really really mean haunted house--where your heart just never gets to recover. But also it's not very fun because you're like...OK I GET IT YOU ARE SCARY JESUS CHRIST I JUST WANT TO DRINK MY HOT APPLE CIDER IN PEACE YOU ASSHOLE. You know?

I guess ultimately this movie is still fun. If you want to have some fun with your friends and scream and then laugh then yes watch this right away. I did maybe mute the sound at a couple points throughout and I'm probably going to suffer the unfortunate consequence of punching anyone who decides to whisper around me anytime soon but hey that's life. There are enough good things happening to mostly remove that last part--and keep in mind that could just be me. Maybe I've got it all wrong and the last half of the movie IS awesome and genius--I currently own about 5 different kinds of slipper socks in the pattern of various animals so I'm really the wrong person to be asking. Watch it for yourself and decide. Don't forget to bring an extra change of underwear along just in case.

Thursday, November 5, 2015

A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge

At some point in life, probably when lamenting about the fact that I'm so bad at watching sequels..I remember people actively telling me not to watch A Nightmare on Elm Street 2 and to just skip on to Dream Warriors. I see where they were coming from. Dream Warriors is exquisite and Freddy's Revenge is maybe well.....not. BUT that doesn't mean that it's not awesome in its own special way. Plus do you people know me at all? If someone told me there was a bedroom dance sequence set to Touch Me (All Night Long) I would have watched this immediately. I mean come onnnn!

I would also like to point out that I have seen the first scene in this before and I now realize why every time my bus driver seems to be acting a little kooky or driving too fast I suddenly am paralyzed with fear. I'm sure it's only a matter of time before I'm whisked away to a random desert somewhere and get stuck on a teetering piece of pointy rock.

So anyways---Freddy's Revenge has its issues yes, let's get that out there before we go any further. A ton of it doesn't make sense. It's edited weirdly at spots which I assume was an attempt to capture that 'am I still dreaming?" feel of the first film but instead just makes you feel like you missed an important 5 minutes of some scene. For instance, the scene where Jesse is just all of a sudden standing over his sister's bed after saying creepy Freddy things is very sudden and comes from nowhere. I'm also confused by Freddy's new found ability to possess someone AND his ability to be real in the eyes of everyone else AND how he can disappear and reappear at will using said body of someone else. Granted, I understand the laws of pedophile supernatural beings may not apply to regular laws of physics but it still leaves me scratching my head.

I also am confused by the nighttime gym scene. Was the coach on his way to being a creepy child molester as well? Is that what he was going to use the jump rope for? Why does Jesse not seem the least bit worried that he's being forced to 'hit the showers' in the middle of the night by his S&M clad gym teacher? Was Freddy like, 'umm there can only be one pedophile here I'm afraid'? That scene is like 10,000 levels of confusion for me. OH, and why don't the police think it's odd that he was found wandering naked near the site of where someone was just murdered?

Aside from that and all the other 5 billion things that don't make sense. I still greatly enjoyed this. I loved the hidden homoerotic undertones and I feel like it gives this movie way more depth than people give it credit for. I mean there is some heavy commentary here hidden beneath all the weird rabid parrots and those weird dogs (?) with weird faces. I also give this tons of credit for being a sequel that does something different. It's not Friday the 13th, where the only difference between the sequels seems to be what Jason will use as a mask this time around. It actually took a completely different standpoint---using the idea of Freddy possessing a teenage boy and still sticking to the mythos of Freddy AND gives nice nods to Nancy even without her being there. It's just so creative I suppose, and I dig that man.

Sure it has it's problems----but I still can't help but love how creative the Nightmare on Elm Street movies are. Is it scary? No, not really. But it's fun to watch and really what more can I ask for?

OH RIGHT, more bedroom dance scenes.

Monday, November 2, 2015

A Few Words About 2001: A Space Odyssey.........


It took me the better part of 10 years to watch 2001 the whole way through. Every time I tried to vocalize to someone what made me stop watching it I would seize up with an indescribable knot of dread and worry. Apparently something so awful had caused my brain to malfunction every time I tried to watch it and eventually rendered me incapable of articulating why I couldn't watch it all the way through. What was this demonic force?

Well, on Sunday November the 1st 2015, taking full advantage of Daylight Savings Time, I decided to put the film to bed once and for all. And within minutes I knew exactly what that demonic force was.

Real people in ape suits.

What the fuuuuck these things are the worst. I now remember it as clear as day. Frickin apes, doing ape things...who look basically like normal apes for a little while and then all of a sudden... oh hell no hell NOOOOOOOOOOOO! This face happens and then everything is ruined.

The ape scene lasts about 25 minutes which perfectly explains why I could never get very far in watching this. Luckily now that I'm like old and stuff... :/  I can look past the apes (or play games on my phone while I wait for them to go away).

Looking back now after having watched the entirety of the film though, I think it's safe to say that the actual root of my inability to watch it all the way through was that I was not prepared for its epic silence. Talking is not a thing that happens for awhile and then later talking stops again and again and then there's a psychedelic trip and a weird baby in a bubble and my head explodes. The film takes that silence and thrives on it. It also uses music to push your buttons to extreme places.

Every time the monolith came on screen and that chorus of what I suppose was created by a group of possessed monks filled my ears, I wanted to crawl under the sofa and die a little. It's so jarring and upsetting. And sure, we might not know what the hell is happening most of the time, but damn it again, 2001 is simply just beautiful.

I'm glad I finally got all the way through it and that I can now wallow in agony over my inability to understand it. I still wish the apes had never come. But then I guess humanity would have been lost. So damn it. Damn you................................... apes.

I Want to Believe

NOTE: Whilst looking through my Drafts folder I found this unpublished article about the X-files. This is from about forever ago---maybe 4 years ago? When I still blogged a lot. And it makes me sad that I used to believe laziness wouldn't overtake my willingness to blog. Also as one discovers from The Thing--it's probably best not to dig up old things. But whatever I like this post, why didn't I publish it?

Winter is the pits. Am I really the only person in the world who does not look forward to the evil snow that lurks in the early moments of March? What is wrong with people? Snow is the worst because it's cold and sometimes when you're walking to work, you slip on black ice right in front of some mexican snow shovelers (this is not a racist comment as their snow shoveler van had a Mexican flag on it okay?)who laugh at you and then you bruise your tailbone which doesn't stop hurting for 6 months. Not that I would know or anything... the point here friends is that winter sucks. So much so that I don't write anymore---I just sit around and sulk and then pet my cat, sulk some more and if I'm lucky I'll eat some food. And if I'm REALLY lucky, I'll watch the X-files.

I've realized so far on my journey of the X-files, that it's a perfect metaphor for how I feel about my current situation of laziness and winter blues. I want to believe that I will bust out of these doldrums. I have to believe this--otherwise......what do I have to live for? Well OKAY fine real life things maybe, but honestly, blogging is like a creative breath of fresh air that I almost feel like I need to stay sane. So no matter how lazy I get, no matter how many times the government interferes with my work, no matter how many times my stubborn unbelieving partner uses "science" to explain something---I still have to believe that I will always be able to blog.

Other than that the X-files is also kind of just really the best. It's a smart horror fan's dream, a Law and Order fan's sexual fantasy and douche bag's least favorite show. Funnily enough, since I'm now late to two games---horror movies and the X-files, I have found during my recent journey that the X-files is pretty much just a repeated nod to all of my favorite horror movies.

Naturally this is expected, since Chris Carter was influenced by several different horror and sci-fi mediums but really when you sit down and watch episode after episode...the horror inspirations truly stand out. Which is why I'm going to revisit some of the most exciting nods I've seen thus far. Please note I am currently only in the middle of season 3. DON'T RUIN ANYTHING for me like the DVD box cover shown on Netflix did.

Season 1, Episode 8: Ice
Original Title: The Thing

Clearly if one were to gain inspiration from any horror film--The Thing is a fine, fine specimen to use. How can anyone not love an episode of the X-files that is really The Thing minus a few beards plus some women?

In Ice, Mulder and Scully travel to the ice planet Hoth in order to investigate a team of Arctic researchers that inexplicably killed each other and in some cases, themselves. They find that the arctic research team had been drilling in the ice deeper than anyone had ever done, allowing them to discover a very curious organism. An organism that worms its way into other living organisms and begins taking control over their emotions and making them all crazy and shit.

Okay, so it's not exactly like The Thing but let's examine the facts...

The first victim we meet is a dog.
This dog is infected.
People die in curious ways.
Everyone gets suspicious of everyone else.

There is a test to determine who is "infected"
There are trust issues
It is cold

No black people
The dog lives
You can be cured
There are no Norwegian scientists around to ruin everything.
No chess games played with computers.

Alright whatever. This episode completely kicks butt. I just love when episodes really challenge your own feelings and psyche. I mean I knew Mulder was probably telling the truth but how WOULD I know? You know? But let's get real, if you can't trust Mulder who can you trust? That's right NOBODY.