Guys, I've been MIA longer than my usual year or so hiatus. The reason is more than needing adequate snuggle time with my cat, or needing additional time to eat more sandwiches than usual. The reason is, I've caught the podcasting bug. That's right, in August my Sister Emily and I finally made our dreams come true and we started our own podcast, Large Marge Sent Us. We've been having a blast and if you enjoy revisiting your favorite flicks from your childhood, hopefully you will too!
So join us! Listen! We'll love you forever and ever!
And subscribe on Itunes, Stitcher, Google Play and other places you listen to your podcasts!
We sing. We laugh. We ask important questions. We pretend we know things.
In no particular order here are just some of the movies and things we've covered:
Jurassic Park
Star Wars
Raiders of the Lost Ark
E.T.
Weekend at Bernie's
Overboard
Teen Witch
Mr. Boogedy
Monster Squad
The Goonies
Wayne's World
Ace Ventura Pet Detective
American Gladiators
Supermarket Sweep
Are You Afraid of the Dark? (TV show)
The Worst Witch
Mary Poppins
The Sandlot
Return to Oz
Back to the Future
Beetlejuice
Gremlins
The Witches
Last year, all anyone could talk about was The Witch. “Oh my God you guys, The Witch is EVERYTHING” “The Witch scared the crap out of me” “Black Phillip for President” “Holy crapping crap holy crap scary”
That’s in a nutshell what the general chatter surrounding The Witch was like. So what was I to do while listening to this endless chatter, lonely and removed from any and all new horror movies? Sit in a corner and sulk until it became available to watch instantly obviously. Which brings me to now—or rather last night when I snuggled in to finally watch The Witch. The following is based on true events.
Until about 15 minutes after I finished the movie I didn’t think much of it. My initial thoughts were as follows:
1.Wait, what are they saying?
2.Crazy Aunt Lysa it’s you, you crazy bitch.
3.That knit hat looks awkwardly modern
4.Black Phillip real or imaginary?
5.Seriously though, can ANYONE understand what they are saying?
6.Oh OK I guess Black Phillip does exist and is also a rapist.
7.The end…..wait what just happened?
And then that was it. I turned off the TV, shrugged at my lack of reaction/emotional reaction and went to the bathroom. Now here’s where it gets interesting. Whilst taking a pee, I suddenly became overwhelmed by an inexplicable burden of unease. It was like my brain finally dozed off and my SOUL awakened and grabbed me by the throat and was like, “SERIOUSLY THOUGH WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!”
It’s hard to explain. The Witch is neither overwhelmingly scary or suspenseful yet it creates such a strong atmosphere of unease and latent terror that it’s almost shocking. Sure, at times the film feels a bit slow and painstakingly olden days-ish, complete with so many “Thou art a witch” proclamations I thought for a minute I was back rehearsing my high school production of the Crucible-----but in true witch fashion, The Witch really sneaks up on you. I believe this is where the film truly excels. It scares you without you realizing it.
I blame this mostly on the 2001: A Space Odyssey-like track of terrifying choral screams and also too many goats. Oh plus levitation and things left eerily unexplained. It wasn't what I was expecting and I still feel like maybe I missed a crucial part of why this left people so terrified but then again---no, no I think I'm right. It terrified people because it stayed with them. Right? RIGHT?!
There may be a lot of questions. People may have needed things explained better. But fuck those guys. Sometimes you just want feel a sense of horror, not have it shoved in your face. Sure, we got to see the Witch in the flesh (not counting the Witch's backside) only once, but is that the part everyone will remember? I don't think so. For me it was the agonizing choral screaming and the creepy levitation at the film's conclusion. It will likely be different for you and for everyone and that I think is the mark of a truly terrifying film.
I'll have you know that nothing is better than Teen Witch. I know this because:
A. Its soundtrack predominately features a Jazz Saxophone.
B. Its musical numbers are topped by nothing in existence (see what I did there?)
C. It's an 80s explosion of endless, nonstop awesomeness in your face over and over and over again.
D. BRAD
E. Shut up I'm always right about everything except when I thought 'too much cheese' wasn't a thing.
Teen Witch is one of those movies that makes me feel instantly better about myself, my non-existent love life and the fact that I didn't have a gross little brother who ate cake under my bed while I was sleeping.
And then got his gross cake fingers stuck to my love letters about Brad.
There's just so much to love. But since we're all busy and stuff here are just 5 key things.
1. Fashion.
Nothing says 'these characters are nerds' more than the early fashion sense of Louise and Polly.
The hobo biker look is in you guys. I swear.
2. Rap Posse
Like most high schools---this one has an official Rap group compromised of white guys wearing their grandfather's old coats. We are still unsure of whether these are original rap numbers or if they are just lip syncing.
3. Musical numbers
God I miss the days of dancing around in my purple leotard in the locker room.
I also love when they awkwardly stick the actresses who can't dance into these group dance scenes.
\"What? You say you can't dance? OK well just stand on the side and hop around a bit, no one will notice!"
Hey guys, what do you feel like doing today?
Oh, I don't know let's stand outside my car and rap. Good thing none of you can top my tank top that accidentally shrunk in the dryer. Oh wait...that vest is KILLING IT.
4. Mr. Weaver
Things I love about the Mr. Weaver scenes:
--No other teachers seem to think it's alarming that a pervert, asshole possible 2nd coming of the devil and/or Hitler is teaching these kids English.
--Louise somehow uses her witch powers to know not only what exact clothes Mr. Weaver would be wearing in class but also the color of his underwear.
--Speaking of which. No one seems to notice Louise is disrobing a doll in the classroom.
--Why does the class think their perverted, asshole teacher stripping his clothes off is funny? Why aren't people horrified and crying?
"HAH I'M GOING TO SEE OLD MAN BALLS. BEST DAY EVER"
5. BRAD
Rejected photo from Tiger Beat shoot circa 1988
Oh wait no that was this one--editors deemed it too sexy for the centerfold. Jokes on them--I already blew this photo up and taped it to my ceiling.
Goodnight Mommy has been recommended to me by at least 2 people. Of those 2 people, 1 is famous and the other one I've never met in person. Those of you bad at math this equals= must see in my book. But honestly, I'm just really looking for a good movie you know? Unfortunately, I could only watch Goodnight Mommy on Amazon which means I can't take fun screenshots which is a shame because I had some really good ones in mind---and also this post probably won't be as funny now without them. Poo.
Goodnight Mommy is an Austrian 'Psychological Thriller' which in layman's terms means that the movie is not what you think it is about and also probably there is a twist. It's important to know what these genre tags really mean you know. SO, the movie is about twin boys who live in a secluded Austrian arty house and who get into shenanigans on a daily basis. One day their mother returns having just had plastic surgery and to them she seems different. Soon their suspicions escalate into dangerous and terrifying territories.
First of all---the BEST thing about this movie is how it brings me back to Eyes Without a Face.
There is nothing better and I repeat NOTHING BETTER than a creepy bandage mask that distorts an actor or actress' face. There is something so simplistically creepy about this that makes my insides squirm with excitement. I love it because it's not some otherworldly mask or some ingenious special makeup effect. It's bandages.
Second of all---I love me some psychological horror. Unfortunately this means that I can guess 'twists' within seconds of watching a movie and then I spend the whole movie checking off points in my theory that continue to be correct. Good news I won. The thing is though--knowing the twist right away doesn't ruin the movie. What happens as the movie progresses is terrifying whether you know the twist or not.
Also notable here is how our loyalties change throughout. In the beginning part of the film, we are made to be on the boys' side. 'Playing along' so to speak and questioning at least on some level that their suspicions may have some truth to them after all. But the really great part of this is that even if we trust their suspicions at least to some extent---what ends up happening is so off-putting and horrifying that we come away being on the mother's side by the end. Actually, maybe we are never meant to be on the side of the boys. I mean......little boys that fill an entire fish tank with cockroaches are no friend of mine OK? What the fuck.
Here are some other thoughts about this movie.
Gross.
I continue to be amazed at how good foreign movies are at gore. This is not gore as we know it-- this is gore done with a steady hand that knows exactly what will make you cringe without being too over the top. There is a scene here involving superglue and scissors that made me climb out of my skin and cower in the corner, weeping. I still get the heebie jeebies thinking about it.
The Red Cross
I don't know how they do things over in Austria, but if solicitors come a knocking and you don't answer apparently they just fucking come in? What the hell. If you can't pretend that you aren't home when the Jehovah's Witnesses come---what safety is left in this world? Ooh....that might just be a fantastic idea for a horror movie. Don't steal it.
Cat
Yes there is a cat in this and yes it ends up dead.
Holy Shit Balls
By the end, this movie becomes so unsettling that it's difficult to digest all at once. It kind of sadly reminded me of that movie where the kids lock their parents in the basement so that they won't get a divorce...what was that called..,OH yeah House Arrest.
What a shitty movie. The entire time you are thinking---'Well, I guess they can never let their parents out because then their parents will probably kill them'. And also, 'Wow this movie really sucks.' The same is true (except for the shitty part) of Goodnight Mommy in that at one point you determine that the boys have definitely gone too far and when that happens you come to the horrific realization that there is no turning back.
Overall, I was mostly impressed with Goodnight Mommy. It's very quiet in how it delivers its horror and it kind of sneaks up on you. You really need to stay with it I think in order to become affected here. It's the building up of the madness that really seals the deal. Sure, I came away with a few questions but they weren't deal breakers. Knowing more about certain aspects of the film won't make it any more or less great and that is important to note. It has some superb shots happening and I find overall that it's very understated in its attack but dang, does it sneak up on you in the end.
Feel free to discuss fun spoilery stuff in the comments!
I'm not 100% certain, but I think that there's been a lot of talk about The Taking of Deborah Logan. Probably good talk but then again I find it difficult to keep up with these things while trying to remain vigilant about watching Teen Mom 2 so who knows. What I do know is what I think about it and what I think is well.....I don't know--- let's talk it out.
The Taking of Deborah Logan is essentially a student film about an Alzheimer's patient named Deborah Logan. When we first meet Deborah and her daughter Sarah, things haven't gone completely south yet.
Soon, her condition worsens and eventually we come to the conclusion that this is probably more than just Alzheimer's. It's probably the devil.
OK, Deborah Logan gets major points for not just being an exorcism movie. Instead of relying on the expected exorcism tropes it does take the movie to several new and unexplored places....well places that haven't all been combined into one film at least. What I mean by that is that The Taking of Deborah Logan seems to make a list of all the films that have scared us over the past few decades or so and then used the high points of said films to its advantage. Let's do a quick recap of 'inspirations'
The Exorcist III
--The concept of mentally ill elderly people being possessed was never more fantastic than it was in the Exorcist III. Old ladies crawling on the ceiling is something we as horror viewers will never forget--but also the concept of the elderly and more importantly the elderly suffering from Dementia or Alzheimer's being sound passageways for demons and their shenanigans is brilliant. So although I applaud Deborah Logan for recognizing that--I don't find the film's overall concept too groundbreaking. Also not enough old ladies walking on ceilings.
Paranormal Activity
When I first began watching, I was pleased to see that the video taping was A. explained and B. not accented by loud amplified sounds and lame night vision cameras. However, then the cameraman begins installing motion capture cameras in the house which immediately made my excitement fizzle. These cameras are installed way before there's any inkling that something nefarious is afoot, so their early presence makes you question their necessity. Also, it immediately brings us back to the Paranormal Activity hey-day of night vision scenes and replaying moments that we already saw so that we can hear the characters in the film discuss how crazy it is that it happened. Hey, at least Micah Sloat was not in this.
The Blair Witch Project
Old town legends, creepy old cabins/mines in the woods, disappearing children....you wouldn't immediately think of Deborah Logan having all these tropes (especially because it's supposed to be a documentary about Alzheimer's. But lo and behold, there they are. And then it's not too long before we see our main characters running in the woods while holding their camera and being scared or people's backs being used at ultimate moments of terror.
The Descent
When I saw Sarah start crawling through the claustrophobic mine opening, I had a feeling we'd be seeing some Descent nods.. And here we do---quick startling glimpses not of cave dwellers but of Deborah Logan looking very scary is enough for me to remember how great The Descent is.
Sure, there are probably more I'm missing, but these stuck out to me the most. It's not that I feel like Deborah Logan stole these scare tactics but more of a feeling that I wish it would have made some scare tactics on its own. The film tries to bring some of its own special brand of scares but by the time we get to that point--it has all suddenly become too ridiculous to swallow. Pun intended....mwahaha.
Look---it has its strong points but unfortunately all those strong points owe their strengths to better, more well done movies. Also, I wish it hadn't relied on the jump scares noises...! I was so excited that we'd be missing those, since it's you know....a documentary and everything but nope, there they were. I felt actually a lot like I did when I saw Paranormal Activity---that the real 'scares' are the noises and that those noises really only work if blasted into your ears at the movie theater. Yes, there are some gross moments of skin trauma, some fun spewing of earthworms, and some naked switchboard action but overall I think the film suffers from just wanting to do and BE too many things.
Oh and serious serious bonus points for casting Anne Ramsay aka Helen Haley ('Has anyone seen my new red hat? Oh, piss on your hat) from A League of Their Own. She is fantastic.
I'm not good at making decisions. When faced with a menu of several delicious things, I experience an inner turmoil that typically ends in tears. I once sat staring at my TV for 20 minutes trying to decide whether to watch a show on Hulu or Netflix (in the end I ate a piece of cake instead and fell asleep). Which brings me now to my latest indecision. Creep: Yea or Nay?
I DON'T KNOW YOU GUYS
On the one hand--Creep has some fairly good things going for it.
1. Mark Duplass--- funny guy also very creepy
2. Simple plot/vehicle = minimal story shenanigans
3. Well placed jump scares
4. Well placed creepiness
on the other hand.
1. Is Mark Duplass just creepy all the time? Probably.
2. Simple plot= boring
3. Well placed jump scares= predictable
4. Creepiness turns into silliness?
This is my struggle. Mark Duplass is so funny in this other roles that this felt like a continuation of his funny character which therefore made me take the entirety of the movie less seriously. I know it's supposed to be a dark comedy but ultimately I feel like the comedy far outweighed the darkness. Also---every time he was being 'creepy' I mostly got 'funny' so I didn't feel nearly as creeped out as I should have.
The jump scares were very unkind to my heart, but does that warrant a gold star in fear factor? Probably not. I will say even after you notice when those jumps are coming they still get you every time which I suppose does say something however much my nerves of steel don't want to admit.
And sure---some of it was very creepy but nothing felt very unexpected to me. You have to know going in that the guy's 'story' seems weird right? And that his enthusiasm about hugging and willingness to share 'tubby time' with a stranger does not mean good things ahead.
So when we do get that.... dun dun dun realization, we're not pulling out our hair in anguish or anything. We're more like... ummmm yeah?
So then I guess my question is. What is left? What else do we have here that instills this film as something you should be watching? I don't know. Creepy wolf masks?
Good ending special effect? I guess I turned my indecision into a decision after all.
That's what I've managed to come up with after staring at my computer screen for 20 minutes after Last Shift ended. It's not that I'm in awe by what I just saw but more like ummm what the fuck just happened? Also I need to change my underwear. Also seriously what just happened? Oh right THAT.
Hot tip: If you're not into shitting your pants every 5 seconds, maybe stay away from this one.
Last Shift is about a rookie cop whose very first assignment is to sit in a vacated police station all night and wait for some hazmat guys to arrive--who in typical fashion give a time window of soon-never. Pretty soon, she starts realizing that her first assignment pretty much sucks. A lot.
Alright so let's start by saying that half of this movie is pretty brilliant. It's set up in a way that really makes you (or at least me) appreciate the intelligence of the story choice. The key to making a great scary movie on a low budget is the concept. Abandoned police station means that you can basically just use an empty office building and boom you have your creepy atmosphere. Who needs props, when everything is supposed to be gone? See? genius. Secondly, it truly again utilizes the less is more tactic by injecting some very decent scares pretty early on. Simple things that we see time and time again somehow come off feeling like new. How did they do it? I'm not sure. But then again I'm still not really sure how airplanes work so maybe I'm not the best person to ask.
The point is---there is a lot of good happening in this...at least for a long while. Creepy phone calls, haywire lights, suspicious shoeless homeless men (also the name of my new band), and inklings of some Manson like clan people whose souls haven't been put to rest. What more can one ask for? The whole first half of the movie is infact both a lot of fun and insanely terrifying. There are a lot of dark doorways that have the ability to make one very uneasy.
And sure--music cues provide jump scares now and again, but it's done fairly smartly and doesn't use up all its cliches at once which I respect.
Now I would liken this movie to a pot of boiling milk. In the beginning, the heat is fairly low yet constant. The heat is good and we need it. Then you look away for a minute and all of a sudden the milk is out of control and boiling all over your stove probably causing a fire. All this seems to happen when there is about 30 minutes left in the movie. It's like the volume gets turned up to 1,000 and there's all these like bloody faced people in your face, and some guy's got pointy devil teeth and he just keeps popping up and yelling at you...dead Dad's are phoning you and then there's all these hooligans running around and you're like what the fuck is happeninggggg my head ahhhhh. It feels like you're in a really really mean haunted house--where your heart just never gets to recover. But also it's not very fun because you're like...OK I GET IT YOU ARE SCARY JESUS CHRIST I JUST WANT TO DRINK MY HOT APPLE CIDER IN PEACE YOU ASSHOLE. You know?
I guess ultimately this movie is still fun. If you want to have some fun with your friends and scream and then laugh then yes watch this right away. I did maybe mute the sound at a couple points throughout and I'm probably going to suffer the unfortunate consequence of punching anyone who decides to whisper around me anytime soon but hey that's life. There are enough good things happening to mostly remove that last part--and keep in mind that could just be me. Maybe I've got it all wrong and the last half of the movie IS awesome and genius--I currently own about 5 different kinds of slipper socks in the pattern of various animals so I'm really the wrong person to be asking. Watch it for yourself and decide. Don't forget to bring an extra change of underwear along just in case.
