That's Some Bad Idea Harry

Guess what? There is a God, Universal Studios is finally closing the JAWS ride. I can sleep safely at night knowing that my friends won't one day drug me, kidnap me and make me go on this ride. Just kidding, I know that most of you are all weeping like children and pouring one out for the old mechanical shark in its disproportional glory.


It is rather sad when I think about it and rather telling of the state of movies in general. Replacing old classics with newer, more current and less scary (?) films. Remakes, updates, new ideas that are secretly just remakes, whatever you want to call it, times they are a changing. And if Universal Studios' recent decision tells us anything other than the fact that it will never be as popular and magical as Disney World, it tells us that the park is evolving.

While personally I have had nightmares in my past---like legitimate nightmares about being on the JAWS ride, (Usually the boat explodes and I fly into the shark's mouth--which has spontaneously turned into a real shark, and I may or may not be naked. It depends on whether or not I had a glass of red wine before bed and if I'm wearing socks or not), I know must of you have delicately placed the ride into that sweet little box that glorifies your childhood. Luckily, the one and only time I went to Universal Studios, the JAWS ride was out of order.



Which makes me wonder: was the JAWS ride often put out of order? Is it possible that the mechanical shark like Bruce, had the grave misfortune of just not working? OR is Universal Studios, truly clearing out rides to make way for more current films to be showcased?

Think of it this way. When most of us went to Universal Studios, we knew most of the films that the rides were based on and we wanted to go on them because of it. Let's take Back to the Future as the best example of this.


Most kids today? Do they hold that same esteem for Back to the Future? Do they want nothing more than to ride in a Delorean and travel back in time with crazy Doc Brown shouting things at us? Probably not. They probably want to ride on a motorcycle with Shia LeBouf and join the Transformers in an epic battle. Did he ride on a motorcycle in that? I think I'm confusing it with Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. No matter, the POINT, my friends is this: remakes are made because studios need to make things relevant for the new generation of kids. Rides at Universal will undoubtedly be following this same trend and the JAWS ride closing is probably one of the first of many.

Don't go looking at Disney World to comfort you either. They do this all the time--like when they replaced the Alien Encounter ride with Stitch's great escape, or Mr. Toad's Wild Ride with a Winnie the Pooh ride. They have to keep updating things, or kids will not want to go on them.

Putting aside all of our anger and depression about this, I thought it would be fun to envision what Universal Studios will be putting in place of the JAWS ride. They claim it's something new and exciting. But what could it possibly be? Will the space be kept as a marina style, with some form of water? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm let's discuss.

I can't think of any recent Universal pictures that partially take place on or around water. Unless, you count Couples Retreat as a feasible option. OH wait I have two ideas.

Nim's Island


Ugh. This would make sense because I think......that kids like this movie. Plus it would be easy to convert the JAWs space into an island, where the patrons get ferried to it by boat. Also at some point pirates would probably attack the boat. Are there pirates in Nim's Island? Who knows.

Battleship

This trailer makes people laugh. And rightfully so. Who would make a senseless movie about a board game that becomes un-fun in less than 5 minutes? This ride would work in the place of JAWs though. Visitors ride on boats and their boat gets hit by bombs and stuff. Also, pirates will probably attack the boat. Just kidding, I just think pirates should be inserted anywhere there is water. Curse Disney World for taking ownership of the Pirates movies!

Hmmmm I'm stumped.

Other scary and depressing possibilities NOT involving water?
The Fast and the Furious: Gross. Picture converting the water into a sort of street/racetrack, where kids get to experience street racing for themselves. Probably people would love this.

Pokemon: Because kids always need more Pokemon themed things.

Cowboys and Aliens: I would be down for this if it involved being able to have sex with Daniel Craig. Wait! I mean........................this might be a cool ride, if we got to ride in a spaceship.

Rides that SHOULD be replacing JAWs?

Open Water
The Reef
Sharktopus
Lake Placid
The Raft a la Creepshow 2


Oooh the possibilities!

That's all I've got for now. What do YOU think they are turning the JAWs ride into?

The Scary Face Club: December Inductees (Old Lady Edition)

I don't love the idea of themes but honestly this month, I was a little stumped when thinking of new members to induct into the Scary Face Club! Suddenly I remembered that it was the holiday season. The holidays, like them or not, always open to the door to a plethora of possibilities. For instance, I could have done the Scary Face Club--Little People edition, or the Scary Face Club: Reindeer edition (Just kidding there aren't really any scary Reindeer out there)--instead, I settled on one of my more latent fears--old women. Which is a nod to Mrs. Claus, who never seems to get any credit, besides I'm pretty sure she doesn't actually exist. (In the MYTH you guys. I don't actually believe in Santa Claus...jeesh)

It's not that I find all old women to be scary. Puh-lease, my grandmother is the sweetest of the bunch. It's just that in horror movies, old women always sneak up on you in the most unfair ways. They seem like regular old women but then something always happens that FREAKS you out. So therefore here are 5 scary old women that deserve some Scary Face Club lovin'.

Old Lady

(Insidious)

As I said in my review of Insidious, this woman (who is actually played by a man) is nobody's friend. Sure, she is mostly just a re-done Mary Shaw from Dead Silence, but for some reason her scariness gets turned up by 5,000 here. Is it because she's wearing a weird veil? Is it the backstory of her being in the background of all the Dad's pictures, and getting closer and closer in each one? Is it because she seems to hide in closets and only come out when we are at our most vulnerable? Is it because she probably smells like moth balls and old cheese? YES. All of the above.

Sylvia Ganush

(Drag Me to Hell)

Sylvia Ganush is kind of like an olio of everything scary and gross about old women. Glass eye, bad teeth, terrible breath, regurgitates bugs, is a witch/gypsy. She performs really outrageous curses on you when you're just doing your job and she breaks into your car and tries to kill you. She is kind of the worst.

She's also kind of extremely scary when you are trying to get a good night's sleep, then roll over to your other side and suddenly come face to face with her scariness. Sure, there are scarier looking old women out there. But is anyone really comparable to Sylvia in terms of grossness? I'm sorry, but an old woman vomiting bugs and mud into my mouth IS the scariest thing in the world. No contest.

Old Lady

(IT)

Naturally when I forget a scary old lady's name, I just call them old lady. Here we have that old lady neighbor of Beverly in IT who is sweet and kind one minute, and then scary and face melty and gross the next. Oh did I mention she isn't really an old lady, she's actually PENNYWISE just up to his usual shenanigans? Well now you know. And P.S. that makes her much scarier.

But honestly, that melting face, red, sores......face probably falling off in clumps. Bleck! She is one old lady I never want to see in my dreams.

Old Lady in Tub

(The Shining)

What would a list of scary old ladies be without the naked old lady in the tub? When I first saw the Shining, hiding behind a pillow in my basement, I was so unbelievably disgusted and terrified when this part happened. First of all nakedness scares me. But old lady nakedness? Old lady nakedness that involves a rotting old lady naked body? WHY GOD WHY. Plus she cackles while being naked and rotting. Ooooh the humanity.

Old Lady

(The House on Haunted Hill)

Although this lady isn't really the scariest old lady I've ever seen, she makes it on the list because of how unusually and unexpectedly scary this little scene is. It's so surprising, and creepy. Especially because of how she just rolls away on a skateboard at the end. She also has that crazy look in her eye and her hair is all wispy and gross. She's scary okay?!

The Video Dead and Other Not As Amazing Stuff

I'M ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know, I know I have some explaining to do. The truth is, things have been pretty crazy as of late. And by "pretty crazy" I mean that I've been extremely lazy and also possessed by the new Zelda game. Dude, you can GO TO THE BATHROOM in the new Zelda game. The toilet flushes. IT FLUSHES! Best. Thing. Ever. Of course the down side is that all I want to do is play Zelda and sleep. Which doesn't leave room for much else--like blogging, watching movies and personal hygiene. Which sadly is the whole purpose of this blog. So for that I apologize.

I mean, it's not like I haven't been watching movies. I've been watching parts of movies and then getting restless and giving up.

For example: I watched Chillerama and then wanted to kill myself. I also watched the first two segments of Creepshow 2 and LOVED IT, but then I got lazy and forgot to watch the rest. I also watched Heathers and the beginning of The Cat O Nine Tails. None of these films however inspired me or should I say...motivated me to actually write anything.

That is until I started watching The Video Dead. Just so you know, The Video Dead gives a whole new meaning to the word amazing. This is mainly because it contains the kind of zombies I love.

The skeletal, ghoulish looking zombies who laugh at blenders and stick people in washing machines.

They also favor strangulation over eating people--but most importantly they have a sense of humor. Which is insanely meaningful considering that The Video Dead has an amazing sense of humor as well.

I kid you not, this movie may have officially unseated Slugs as my favorite so bad it's good horror movie. It's just too incredible for words. Oh right the plot. Well, it's about zombies that come out of the TV and kill you!

It's pretty much where Samara got her humble beginnings from. It also makes no sense because apparently the TV zombies come out of the TV and kill the guy who lives in the house and then.........

....They kill more people. What did the zombies do during that three month period? Apparently they just walked around in the woods and waited for fresh poodles to come wandering in? It's very confusing but also---it's what makes The Video Dead so amazing. No explanation necessary. Zombies. TV. Awesome.

It's also some of the best writing that I've ever come across. For instance:

Guy: I love animals!

Girl: Me too...only I don't count poodles as animals.

Guy: I'm glad you said that...because I really hate poodles.

Later, poodle gets killed by a TV zombie.

Girl: You don't understand. He likes to chase skunks in the woods, and if he finds them he tries to mate with them. Only skunks don't like to mate with poodles, and then they spray him and he really gets turned on.

Oh, it's almost too perfect for words.

I can't really say much else because The Video Dead is the kind of movie you'll need to experience for yourself. I even tried to take a bunch of hilarious screenshots, but it just wasn't translating...I guess you'd have to be there. Which means that you should watch The Video Dead and then come and laugh with me, like a zombie laughing at a blender.

Also, don't forget that The Video Dead also teaches us many lessons. But the most important lesson of all is that you should always keep your picture of Jesus sitting thoughtfully during a sunset, next to your iron and your knitting needles.

I'd also like to take this moment to tell you that there are some fantastic movies currently streaming on Netflix Instant Watch.

House, C.H.U.D, SLUGS, Vampires, Children of the Corn---get your butt over there and watch some movies. Not that I should be talking because now I'm going to go play Zelda. If you don't hear from me, you'll know what happened. Unless I died, which would be unfortunate.

Oh wait I forgot to say:

What is this poster?

And more importantly: Where can I get one? What does it say? Let's get back to books? Why are there dinosaurs? And why is this hanging up in this old lady's kitchen? I'm obsessed with it. Okay bye.