Here is a true story that happened on Friday. I went to Starbucks in the morning because I was ridiculously early for work. After ordering my delicious grande iced chai, the woman asked for my name. I told her it was Andre. She then asked, "Andre?" and I said, "Yes". A few minutes go by and I wait patiently for my delicious iced chai.
Then the drink maker holds up a delicious iced chai and says very loudly, "Grande iced chai for ANDREA?" And then of course I had to walk up there and take it. And then EVERYBODY thought my name was Andrea. I bet they were all maliciously talking to their friends, "Oh look, there goes Andrea and her delicious iced chai." Jerks.
Here's another true story that also happened on Friday. I was hungry after getting out of work early. I went to get a sandwich. The sandwich guy asked for my name. I said, Andre. He said, "Andre"? I said, "Yes. Andre." He ponders for a moment, writes down A-N-D-R-E then thinks for another second and adds the evil A onto the end of it. Yes, I again became Andrea. It's just ridiculous isn't it? I mean yes of course you're right sandwich guy, I must have said my name incorrectly. I must have said Andre when I meant to say Andrea, how silly of me! It is only my name and all.
You probably think I'm making a big deal out of something that is no big deal. You're right but you would think it was a big deal too if you had to go through your whole life being a different name against your will. There was a time in my life when I accepted the Andrea. I was embarrassed and ashamed to correct people. In fact, my hairdresser in my hometown still thinks my name is Andrea because I never had the heart to correct her. And even still today, all Chinese food restaurants think that my name is Emily. Which is blatantly my fault because I suspected that if anyone would get my name wrong it would be a Chinese person. Stop looking at me like that---we're all thinking it.
Well today, I had an epiphany. Why accept the boring and kind of ugly sounding Andrea? (No offense people named Andrea). Why not give those asshole sandwich makers and asshole delicious iced chai makers a name that they would never dare mess up? Here are some names that I'm thinking of adopting for placing orders. Tell me your honest opinion of which one is best.
Ellen Ripley
Naturally most people would suspect something funny and obvious when using a fake name. Something like Michael Myers, or Jason Voorhees would be such things. The key to a good fake name however is picking one that only a select few might recognize. Naturally those select few would be the cool people which you can then friend immediately afterwards, thereby increasing the days cool quota by 2 (delicious sandwich AND a new friend). Ellen Ripley is a good choice for this reason. It's not a blatant fake because it sounds like a real name. But if you do know who Ellen Ripley is then you would think it was pretty fucking awesome that Ellen Ripley was ordering a sandwich. Then of course they would look and see me instead but whatever. I can wear my underwear and kill an alien too. Probably.
BOB
The name Bob is pretty regular. But the minute you spell it out in all capitals BOB form---Twin Peaks fans coming running. Depending on how deeply BOB scared them as a child or adult they'll either be running away from you or towards you to congratulate you on being so awesome. Using the BOB name is an immediate cause for congratulatory back pats I think. Maybe even handshakes! Of course using BOB would be tricky because you'd have to explain to the sandwich maker that they have to actually spell it out with all caps and what not. Otherwise the effect would be lost and then you're just the loser girl whose name is Bob.
Carol Anne
The only way I would allow for this name to be used is if a buck toothed annoying kid was the one calling my name when my order is ready. And he'd have to say it all frantic, screechy and scared....kind of like if he just heard his sister's voice coming out of the television set from an alternate dimension.
Carrie White
I'd like to see people laugh at me when this name gets called. Heeeey---ooooo
Snake Plissken
Naturally the whole point of this list was just so I could talk about Snake Plissken again. Even if a different name gets voted on, I hope you realize that I will still be using this name all the time. Can you imagine the possibilities? "Name?" "Yes, that would be Snake Plissken, S-N-A-K-E Plissken." And then oh man, OH MAN when it gets called? People will be like....."Wow....I wonder what is in that sandwich. Probably babies and scorpion tails." Additionally, the other great part about using Snake Plissken as your food ordering alias, is that if anyone dares to get it wrong you can just shoot them in the face. That's what Snake Plissken would do.
