Homeland: The Problem with Season 3

***SPOILERS BELOW**** (obviously you guys)

I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night. This is most likely due to three reasons: 1. My cat decided that clawing the blinds to death was only fun if she did it every 30 minutes. 2. My socks were too hot (foiled again by the lure of wearing socks to bed *shakes fist) and 3. Feeling strangely hollow after watching the season finale of Homeland. As such, the entire episode kind of felt like a really bad dream which I guess impacted my actual dreams.

Now for the record: I thought the vast majority of this season was excellent. I totally applauded the show for fooling us into thinking Carrie had finally gone AWOL, I loved the double agent aspect--the new characters, and the new locations. But after watching the final episode last night I can't help but feel extremely let down. Not so much by what happened as how it happened. It felt like the entire season finale was just giving up.

The HUGE event that takes place in the first half of the finale was suddenly dissolved into the ominous '4 Months Later' title---the kind of instant flash into the future that sent me into PTSD land thinking back to the embarrassing Harry Potter epilogue. Suddenly, it was like the show took on a whole new level of stagnation. I felt like I was trapped in a bizarro Homeland. Saul was spending time with Mira. Carrie received a startling new promotion and was 'playing nice' with the new asshat director. Saul and Dar were eating waffles together and laughing. What was this place? Everything just felt so forced----and..... neat. Like the little insane ends of Brody's legacy were tied up neatly like little bows on packages. Overall, it just felt like a very lazy way to end the season.

As my sister and I later discussed--it's like they got trapped with Brody, decided he sucked, freaked out, killed him and then tried to hide all the evidence. I'm not sad that Brody is gone. If anything I'm glad that the show finally stopped feeding into Carrie's irrational thinking. By all accounts however sad it may be or 'wrong feeling,' the right path to take was the one that was taken. For once, the show stopped bluffing. It was a moment now looking back that was perfectly foreshadowed by when Carrie gets shot after disobeying orders. There was this whole feeling of, 'Yeah right, they won't really shoot Carrie.......oh.....they shot Carrie" that really speaks to the finale the more I think about it. Did I think that they should kill Brody? Yes. Did I think that they would kill Brody? No.

Anyways here is my ultimate diagnosis of the problem with Season 3  (again, for the most part I liked it).

Brody's legacy should only have lasted till the end of Season 2. Unfortunately due probably to Carrie's obsessed love affair, they decided to keep him in Season 3 at least to tie up loose ends. The problem though was that they put way too much weight on his shoulders. Calling him in for such an important task could only spell doom. Now there was no easy and clean way to get rid of him. They were stuck.

If I had it my way--- Carrie would have discovered that Brody WAS actually responsible for the Langley bombing and then took matters into her own hands by eventually killing him in a dramatic stand off. That way--the truth is out. Carrie is at least assured that 'oh hey he was a terrorist after all, nuts!' and the decision to part ways with the baby in her womb wouldn't have been as difficult to make. Because really who wants a half terrorist baby? Just kidding. But in all honesty this is what I would have liked. Reaffirming the fact that Carrie's life and her decisions remain in her hands.

If you really sit down and think about it though--Brody was hardly in any episodes this season. In fact for a while there I thought they were going to reduce him to a 'Special Guest Star'. And I was fine with it. Long live the spy-filled life of Carrie sans Brody! Viva independence! And luckily now I think that's where the show is probably headed. Carrie takes Istanbul. That is---if the vast majority of  the 'Carrie loves Brody' fan club put their guns down. So anyways, C'est la vie Brods. Here are the 10 things I'll miss most about the Brody family.

1. Jessica's bad haircuts
2. Dana's floppy boots.
3. The uselessness of Chris
4. Chris' 'My Dad doesn't like me face'
5. Damien Lewis' tiny mouth
6. Their Subaru
7. Praying to Allah in the garage
8. Shooting deer at cook outs
9. Awkward sexual tension
10. The regret of never getting to see Chris try dating.

Sigh.

Adios Walt

It began with a pair of flying pants, a gas mask and a goodbye.

There was me, solitary, perusing the channels one lazy afternoon and Walter White pant-less and panicked. Jesse sitting unconscious in the front seat of a Winnebago, and two dead (?) guys sliding up and down the back. Just what the hell was going on here I wondered., why was the dad from Malcolm in the Middle in the desert, alone and pants-less? Needless to say my intrigue was engaged, and from that moment on---Walter and I, Jesse and the two dead (?) guys became one.

Did I know at that moment that I had just signed myself over for 5 years of anguish, excitement and conflicted feelings of hatred and love? Did I envision myself 5 years into the future, shaking Walt's bloody hand and bidding him a sad but appropriate adieu? No, like most things that are good I suppose I only envisioned that the network Gods would cancel it and that I'd be left crying alone in a corner wondering what the hell that eyeless pink teddy bear was all about. Oh how times have changed.

In its five year lifespan, Breaking Bad has achieved what very few shows have---a steady fan base that never faltered. It mastered the fine art of holding the attention of its viewers the whole way through, never falling prey to a lull in action, those off-kilter seasons or episodes. The show seems to have always shown restraint at the right time, and turned up the volume when it needed it. Things never got out of control. Main characters weren't axed in an effort to get people refocused on the tension or action. It didn't need it. It simply lived its life and did what it needed to.

So then, when its final episode aired last night, I imagine many fans were on the edge of their seats expecting some big, "Oh no they didn't!" moment., a just kidding it was a dream faux pas., or maybe even a fade to black moment of depression and disappointment. As it turns out, the series finale of Breaking Bad just.... felt right. There weren't any huge shocks--any die hard fans should have known in their hearts what the ultimate outcome would be all along. The key is--the journey to get there is what makes all the difference. Which, of course is a testament to the entire lifespan of Breaking Bad. The series finale did exactly what it set out to do. It achieved what I think most of us wanted deep down all along.

Overall---it was probably one of the most successful series finales I've ever seen. Everyone who I thought was annoying was killed.

Everyone I wanted to stay alive did. Walt met his end on his own terms---not succumbing to the cancer, but to his own actions, rescuing Jesse in the process and setting him free.

An ending he wholeheartedly deserved after Mr. White single-handily seemed to ruin every good thing he had going for him.   Walt's final confession to Skylar was a revealing one and one that perhaps both we and Walt didn't seem to realize until he spoke it out loud. He did it all for himself.

It ended with a bloody hand print, a gas mask, and a smile.

And with that smile we as viewers and fans understood---the journey from Winnebago to abandoned factory was a long one. Much has changed, nothing will ever be the same again---but it's okay. Somehow, everything turned out just....right.

So goodbye my friends, and thank you.

House of Cards: Undecided

I tried my best to stay away from the skeevy southern drawl of Kevin Spacey in House of Cards. I really did. Something about that and the exposure to the seedy underbelly of the US government, kept me from ever wanting a piece of that recent Golden Globe buzz. But after my intense love affair with Orange is the New Black, I decided that Netflix original program was probably onto something.

Ultimately now that I'm finished with House of Cards I still feel a little undecided and also a little bit uncomfortable. Do I love House of Cards? Kind of. Is it more of a morbid curiosity than a love affair? Definitely. Here's the problem. While I'm very enticed by the fantastic performances of both Kevin Spacey and Robin Wright, I still have a hard time adjusting to the fact that it's hard to really form a genuine bond with any of the characters. Claire and Frank are the key players sure--but they're villainous---anti-heroes with a taste for power...and who also make me feel a little weird in my private parts. Not turned on or anything---kind of the opposite. Like maybe they're turning my private parts into a Barbie's private parts.

The sex scenes in House of Cards are for lack of a better word--terrifying. I don't think there's been one sexual moment where I've been like... yes, this is nice. Rather, I'm making a face that kind of looks like this the whole time.

And I'm looking around me like I expect the Thought Police to come crashing through the walls at any second. It's uncomfortable, it's weird, and it's very, very un-sexy. Which I think is mostly on purpose. I think we're made to feel uncomfortable in the same way that we're made to hate Frank and Claire.

 Frank and Claire are entirely un-sexual beings when they're together, but their love runs deeper than that. As a contrast, Frank and Claire's sex lives outside of each other are scary and uncomfortable. It's almost cruel in a way--to the viewers I mean.

But I think that's what makes House of Cards so startlingly addictive. It's like watching 50 minutes of a sexual car crash. Really it's not in your best interest to keep it going, but at some point you just have to throw caution to the wind and say--'Okay Frank. Let's get creepy".

Aside from all that creepy sexual activity, House of Cards can also be fairly hard to follow. It's a lot of talk. It's a lot of political talk--which for many is almost similar to if the show was spoken entirely in Swahili. But once you start understanding what is happening--and granted, it may take you till the second to last or even the last episode of the season to understand---it's quite terrifying. Frank's evil master plan has been carefully calculated all the way and that scares the crap out of me. He's SO evil. I don't think people realize how evil he is. But somewhere in those last few episodes I just thought......yikes. He and Claire are like a mature Boris and Natasha.

A dastardly duo that entertains you but at the same time makes you bolt your doors at night so they don't accidentally stumble in and discover that you have a weakness.

Yes I'm going to watch the next season because damn it---I need to see some justice here. I will say, that I didn't start getting truly invested in the show or the outcome until the crack team of reporters starting peeling away the layers of Frank's ultimate plan.

Which is probably again intentional. And after realizing that all of Frank's decisions throughout the season are intentional---it's not too hard to figure out that everything House of Cards makes you feel is also 100% intentional.

So yeah, House of Cards? Man, I'm just not too sure about it. I'm sucked in, but I'm still a little scared of it. I guess that's probably the overarching message here. Politics? Scary.

Shows You Should Be Watching: Orange is the New Black

As a general rule to my well-being and sanity, I usually try to stay away from shows or movies about prison. Otherwise this happens......

And then I get clammy hands and get nervous that someone will frame me for something I didn't do and I'll be sent away to Shawshank where I won't make any friends because Morgan Freeman already got cut loose and because I can't do people's taxes.

My mind is a dangerous place.

As luck would have it though--I am slowly but surely becoming 100% obsessed with Netflix's latest original programming, Orange is the New Black. A show about a federal prison for women that really just speaks to me. But not because it's about prison. Because it's got heart, humor and style.

The show follows Piper Chapman, a woman recently sentenced to over a year in a federal prison for abetting drug smugglers a decade earlier, naturally that was before, when she was a lesbian and also naive and vulnerable to ex-that 70s show stars who wear nerdy glasses.

Piper seems to have come to terms with her sentence though, having been recently engaged--she uses the hope of her future paired with the belief that she is at her a core a good person-- to survive.

Each episode is portrayed in real prison time, coupled with flashbacks to how different inmates got where they are today. It's an interesting storytelling method--not too different from LOST now that I think about it--but in this case, the story-telling mode allows for some deep thinking in terms of the justice system, morality and pretty much just life in general.

What mostly leaves me singing about Orange is the New Black though is that it feels real. I feel like these are real characters, who go on living inside my TV even though I've turned it off. It's not this like crazy, whore-house full of lesbians, where fighting happens and people rip out each others hair over gang rivalry. It's actually fairly civil (being mostly a lower level security prison), and the 'drama' is restricted to misguided social cues, accidental utterings and the unfortunate reality that happens when our past catches up with our present.

Humor is top notch and the sentimentality is at just the right level so that it doesn't feel forced or cheesy. Piper is likable, funny and has some really small boobs (not important but I feel it IS important to note that those are the smallest boobs I've ever seen) (Incidentally, Jason Biggs' character does too when he mentions to Piper over the phone that he misses her small boobs). The other female inmates have intriguing story lines, that really tug at your heartstrings and make you remember those story lines as later episodes unfold.

Prison life may not be dramatic, but it's still difficult to digest at points--sexual encounters in the shower and abuse from mail prison guards to boot. The real heaviness however comes when dissecting the psychological feelings that affect Piper, most poignantly put when she is describing how she feels when she wakes up everyday:

In the morning, when I wake up there are these few seconds before I realize where I am and then I do realize and I can't breathe. And I want to cry.... and throw shit and...kill myself.

Above all else---pressing play on a new episode gives me that flutter of excitement that I love and have been missing ever since I finished the last Harry Potter book. It's pure anticipation of what will come next and how the show will evolve with each and every single episode. It's been a while since I've felt like that with a TV show.

I may only be 4 episodes in at this point, but I know a good thing when I see it. And this my friends---is a very, very good thing.

Hey, It's Dexter!

I can't believe Dexter started again and no one told me. You guys are supposed to rouse me from my couch of solitude when something important happens. What's that? Some of you gave up on Dexter? Mmmmhmmm.  A likely story!

Well actually I suppose that's many people's story. As with most shows that center on some kind of giant secret and the importance of keeping that giant secret----Dexter seemed to run out of steam the moment that certain people were "In" on the secret. And more importantly, the plot lines began waning.

There's also some who believe the show 'jumped the shark' due to that whole messiness where Dexter decided he just liked killing people period. But this latest and last season suggests a different story--whether or not Dexter wants to admit it and this intrigues me.

But also mostly I just like seeing crack-whore Deb in action.

Luckily thanks to my best friend (my DVR) I'm 3 episodes into the season, I can now unveil my wisdom.


1. Everyone is terrifying.

Okay maybe not everyone, but lets just say for the sake of brevity and laziness that everyone is kind of terrifying. You've got Deb--who has spiraled down into a pit of alcoholism, drug use, and a strong reluctance to shower. Apparently shooting someone to prevent people from finding out that your brother is a serial killer really takes a toll on you--who knew?

You've got Dexter, who still hasn't realized that he has a son--getting blood on his stuffed animals and yelling because ugly vases get smashed.

You've got Harrison who is significantly older now and can house a whole box of red popsicles--no problem.

And finally you've got Dr. Vogel who continues to creep me out with her weird obsession with Dexter and her satisfaction at watching the boy she pruned grow up into a full fledged murdering bush. I mean, it's pretty obvious she was probably married to Dr. Hannibal Lecter right? If not, then they should totally date.

2. Quinn and Jamie have apparently been having so much sex that they've forgotten to eat anything.

Seriously these two look like they've both lost 30 pounds. It's very distracting--especially with Jamie who was once very cute in that Angel's little sister kind of way but now I just want to throw sandwiches at her.


3. I would like to frame Dexter's childhood artwork and put it somewhere strange like in the bathroom.

4. Why isn't anyone concerned that Harrison might turn into a mini-Dexter? Both were 'born in blood' and I can't help thinking that that popsicle massacre is foreshadowing something much sinister. OH ALSO---are there popsicles like that that are really all one flavor?!?! Show me the popsicle.

Ummmm I guess that's all the wisdom that I have so far. I thought I had more but now I'm too distracted by the popsicle conundrum. Hands up people that hate green popsicles.

 Bleck!

Alright so ultimately I think this season is off to a nice start. Charlotte Rampling's Dr. Vogel is a very nice and unexpected addition. I love how she acts as a psuedo-mother figure but I'm also extremely suspicious of her. I'm still not convinced she doesn't have a kill room of her own somewhere.....or maybe her kill room is the way she 'kills' her psychopaths by unmasking them and committing them to a lifetime of suffering at the hands of an institution and shame. GASP!

The Brain Surgeon is interesting enough though I suppose I do miss the theatrics of the doomsday killer.  But then again once you get Edward James Olmos as Colin Hanks' hallucination everyone else just seems...... meh.

So what do you think? Have you given up on Dexter or will you be tuning in this season at least for the sake of seeing what other kinds of ugly faces Jennifer Carpenter can make?

DVR Your Face Or: Why I Am An Embarrassment to the World

Every now and then something amazing happens in your life that makes you suddenly realize how uncool you really are. For me that moment was when I made up a Men in Black variation of a tag game and made my gym class play it in 5th grade. 

And also when I finally got that little piece of magic called....a DVR. 

A DVR or "Digital Video Recorder" for all you un-trendy people (NOTE: I just Googled DVR to double check I was right) is God's gift to the lazy people of the world. Essentially it is a way to schedule your laziness in. It's not uncommon for me to go through the TV guide for the next few weeks, and pick out things that I know I'll want to be lazy with and watch at a later date. In short, the DVR is the cat's pajamas. 

Now because I never miss out on an opportunity to embarrass myself, I figured I'd let you all into the magical world of what my DVR currently holds. 

1. The Entire Series of Full House

For me, Full House was always the king of TGIF. Sure it was uncomfortably cheesy in its later years, but those beginning seasons are actually quite fantastic. Especially before Michelle could start talking and gained a sense of awareness about her acting. Incidentally a common downfall for all or many child actors. 

In case you don't already know and in case you're in the mood for feeling 'old'. Full House is currently in circulation on Nick at Night. Or is it Nick at Nite? Anyways. Nick at Night/Nite plays about 10 episodes of Full House a night. Before I became an expert at my DVR, I had only set my preferences to save 10 episodes of Full House at a time. What an amateur mistake. Due to this sad blunder, I kept missing out on some of the best episodes of all time. Including but not limited to: The one where Stephanie drives a car into the kitchen

When DJ is anorexic for a week and over does it on the stair master

 and also any number of awkward episodes where Joey Gladstone has a romantic relationship. 

Luckily I then realized that you can save EVERY episode and I now have about oh....200 episodes to work my way through. Isn't life great you guys?

2. Disney Original Movies

In middle school, Disney Original Movies were all the rage. My friends and I used to base our lives around the summer TV schedule of these movie. Also I don't like to brag or anything... but I did have at one time or another, a fake boyfriend from almost every movie. 

So far my nostalgia has reared its head with such classics as:

Motocrossed

Pretty girls pretending to be boys= a lot of sexual confusion for everybody.

Zenon Girl of the 21st Century

Kristen Storms used to look like this

before she looked like this.

I prefer the futuristic version.

Zenon the Zequel

Also known as the movie where they replaced Zenon's black friend with a different black friend and expected no one to notice.

Johnny Tsunami

Snowboarding is apparently not like surfing at all, but if you're really good at surfing you'll be really good at snowboarding in like a few days.

Brink!

Movies with exclamation points in the title are my favorite. 

Double Teamed

NOT a porno. And also---come on haven't you ever heard of split screens? These "identical twins" are worse than Danny and Arnold. 

3. Regular Disney Movies

Let's put aside the anti-feminist undertones and racism of many Disney movies and just bathe in the glory that was my childhood. I have no shame in admitting that I always care more about how sad it is that Nana can't fly off to Neverland with the Darlings than I do about how racist the Indian scenes are. Am I a bad person?

Yes probably.

But seriously that Nana scene is SO SAD. How hard is it to untie her rope MICHAEL. 

......................................

Alright I've given it some thought and I've decided that maybe it's better that Nana couldn't come. I'm not sure how she would have fared on the pirate ship. 

4. The Central Park Five

My sister made me record this because we watched a story about it on 60 Minutes. We still haven't watched it and every time we suggest it to ourselves, this happens.

I'm sure it's fantastic but right now, it's the snakes.