As we progress further and further into the lifespan of our dear planet Earth, we find that one of the greatest questions known to mankind is often sparked by the utmost controversy. I speak of course of the most important question this world has seen: Are you a cat person or a dog person? Dog people will continue to be offended by cat people and cat people will continue to be offended by dog people. There are also people who claim they enjoy both cats and dogs and then evil people who say that they like neither (also referred to as terrorists).
But what about the people that have a real grudge against cats? What about people that insist on putting terrifying depictions of mutilated cats into almost every single movie?
I like cats. I like dogs. I can't tell you which one I like more but if I did like for instance cats better than dogs, I wouldn't go around killing dogs in all my movies. That is why after careful research, I have come to the conclusion that Dario Argento is a cat racist. Clearly he had a bad experience with a cat once and now he thinks that all cats are inherently evil. Why else do cats suffer the terribleness of being eaten, drowned, or stuffed into plastic bags?
Okay, okay so maybe he's not a cat racist, I take it back. Dario Argento is just clearly a dog person. Let's examine the evidence.
Dogs Rule in Argento Land
There aren't too many dogs used in Argento's movies, but the dogs that are used are commonly given superhuman characteristics that make them, really fucking cool.
Take for instance the dog in Tenebre, that can scale really high walls and do some really cool shit. Or the seeing eye dog in Suspiria that rips apart his owners neck by the command of some bad ass witches.
Yes, dogs are consistently shown as being the more dominant animal in Argento films. They are seldom seen as weak, they are seldom killed and they are seldom seen as anything less than awesome.
Cats Die A Lot
As stated earlier, cats are always getting killed in Argento films. An entire bag of cats is drowned in Inferno. A cat is mutilated and then stuffed in a bag in Four Flies on Grey Velvet. A man eats cats in The Bird With the Crystal Plumage....HE EATS THEM. Cats are clearly getting the short end of the stick here. Even insects--the whores of the animal world get push to the highest plateau where Jennifer Connelly is able to communicate with them and solve murders in Phenomena. And let's not forget about monkeys. Monkeys get it all. Something is clearly strange about all of this.
A Cat That Does Not Die
Oh look a cat that doesn't die in Inferno... except some evil curse inducing wench is holding it! More proof that only that Dario Argento believes that only evil people like cats...
Well, after all this careful research it is pretty obvious that my original hypothesis was correct. Dario Argento IS a cat racist. My work here is done.
NOTE: This post is mostly kidding. I love Dario Argento a lot.
But still, it's a little suspicious.