Why Don't I Like You?

Friday the 13th has never been rude to me or called me a bad name. It's never even cut in front of me in line, or refused to hold the door open. It's really been nothing but a nice film to me and yet for some reason, I continue to dislike it. Since I have never had a great reason for my dislike and because people hate when you tell them that you hate something but can't really explain why, I've decided to give Friday the 13th another shot. Just to you know, make sure that there's nothing there between us.

An hour and 30 minutes later and I'm still on the dislike side of the party. Not only that, but I've come to a few conclusions that better sum up my dislike for slashers in general. It's all slowly starting to make sense now.

Slashers are in many ways I think a movie that you can enjoy without really thinking about it too much. One of the main reasons our younger selves gravitate towards them is because we get it. There isn't this alternate meaning, or plots that need clarification from our older siblings. Things are straightforward, people get killed, we find out who did it and then they die. For this reason, Slashers to me aren't the most stimulating. As I said after my viewing of The Prowler, there's a lot of downtime. What happens in those moments of downtime between kills is pretty meaningless. It has nothing to do with the plot, and its only purpose seems to be to get characters from one place to another-so that they can die. This bothers me! I want things to happen. I don't like sitting around and watching strip Monopoly while I wait for someone else to die. I believe this is my main reason for not completely loving the Slasher genre.

However. And a BIG however. The problem and confusion lies in the fact that I do like some Slasher films. For instance, I love Sleepaway Camp, Curtains, Halloween and a Nightmare on Elm Street. There also happens to be downtime in those films and yet I still come away liking them. Why? As far as I can tell, the downtime is interesting to me. Things develop in the downtime that makes me care about the situation at hand. Character development, clues from the past that add up to a reveal at the film's conclusion, funny things, etc.

But what about Friday the 13th? There is virtually no clue or plot development that happens that has to do with the ending and the reveal of the killer. We have really never heard anything about Jason or Mrs. Voorhees till she pulls up and starts blabbing away in her sweater. This too, bothers me. In most Slasher movies, we either have a killer that we know is the killer and there is no doubt about it (Halloween, NOES) or we have a whodunit mystery killer (Sleepaway Camp, Curtains, Scream) that we are typically introduced to early on. This is not the case in Friday the 13th which makes most of the entire movie feel meaningless to me. The downtime is useless, nothing happens and we are forced to watch our main characters run through their daily lives until they are killed. That is boring and pointless to me.

Yes that is it! You see, the main problem I have with this film is that it is actually pretty boring. It really is and there's no amount of but "it's entertaining" that can change my mind. I don't find it entertaining---there aren't even enough moments worthy of a screen grab to make sort of funny joke about. I don't feel suspense and I never get that there's a sense of dread encircling our characters. Mrs. Voorhees doesn't feel like she's breathing down their necks--she's just always there, kills someone and then leaves.

Look, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings here. That is not my intention. The fact is, Friday the 13th and I just weren't made for each other. We don't necessarily hate one another--we just know that we'd do better apart. I get that it's iconic and how important it is to the slasher genre but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I'm not saying that Friday the 13th is a bad movie, I'm just saying that I don't like it. And I'm not saying I can't still be your friend if you like it. Just because Friday the 13th and I are no longer seeing each other, doesn't mean we can't still hang out with the same people. I will still be giving the sequels another go however. With Jason as the killer out in the open, maybe it will save that whole complex I have about the randomness of the killer and the lack of mystery in this film. If not, then no one can say that I didn't give it a shot.

Early Scares From Buffy the Vampire Slayer THE MOVIE.

I'm almost positive I'm the only human being on this planet who enjoys and prefers the movie version of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Before you grab your pitchforks and kill me there's something you should know. I've never seen the TV series and I'm sure if I had then I would think differently. You have to cut me some slack, I grew up with the movie. It was one of those films that I would rent every single time my parents took me to the video store. I didn't care if I had seen it 50 times, I needed to see it again. So for me, Kristy Swanson has always been Buffy and Hilary Swank has always been a bitch.

That's just the way it goes. I used to be obsessed with pretending that I was Buffy and cleverly devised a spectacular imaginary game where trees were vampires and I had to kill them. Naturally there were a lot of trees because I lived in the woods, and naturally I killed them all because I'm amazing.

So on that cold and rainy afternoon when Buffy the Vampire Slayer debuted on TV and Sarah Michelle Gellar was running around with high heeled boots on, I was saddened. To me nothing could ever replace Kristy Swanson and her valley girl quips--and plus, I hated Sarah Michelle Gellar. I am well aware now that the movie version was extremely altered from Joss Whedon's original vision. I am also aware that he disowns it and probably hates it. Oh and I of course am aware that the movie version is pretty atrocious--but that will never stop my love no, never. When I rewatch it today I can still get marginally creeped out at moments that scared me when I was little, and I'm ready and willing to present to you all those moments right now.

Before I begin I need to say a big welcome back to THE DONALD.

In case you haven't figured it out by now, my initial love for The Donald does in fact stem from this film. Sad I know.

Grueller Takes a Shortcut

I tend to hate closed amusement parks and I'm in the mindset that everyone should. Why Grueller decides to take a shortcut through there is beyond me (although I'm sure it has to do with the playing on horror movie conventions thing) but then again how often does one find themselves face to face with Pee Wee Herman riding a carousel?

While we're at it, I should point out that Grueller already looks like a vampire before he turns into one. Keep that in mind when we investigate his new vampire persona later on. Anywho, this scene really freaked me the fuck out.

I Hate You, Puritan Vampire

You know what else freaks me the fuck out? Vampires that wear creepy purtain hats like this. I'm not entirely sure why, but this vampire on the right has scarred me for life. Whenever I see this scene I can't help but be reminded of how much I hate those really pale and extra creepy looking vamps. It reminds me of the Emperor's creepy wingman and this vampire is partially responsible for why Nosferatu freaks me out so much.

Pee Wee Snags Benny

I did not appreciate this scene one bit. In my opinion one trait of vampires that I tend to miss these days and with every new re-imagining of the genre--is the way that vampires can glide, or float. I am pretty positive anything that glides or floats is scary (this fear actually stems from Death Becomes Her and The Craft more on that some other time) so when Benny is just chilling on the side of a cliff, the last thing I wanted to see was Paul Rubens suddenly rising up behind him and pulling Benny down with him.

Buffy's First Vampire

If there's one thing we need more of in the horror genre, it is the actual event of a body coming out of a grave. Zombies, vampires, whatever. Seeing anything emerge from a fresh grave is one of the more terrifying things a child can ever endure. Buffy's first confrontation with the vampires is expected, yet that did not make this scene any easier for me to handle.

Don't Let Benny In

Remember when I said that I hate when people float? Well this scene takes the cake for one of the creepiest things I had ever seen growing up. Those before me would suffer from the possibility of looking our their windows and seeing little Ralphie Glick scratching at the window. I, on the other hand, would suffer the possibility of David Arquette asking me to let him in and then yelling at me when I didn't. All I can think when I watch this scene is...thank god Luke Perry sucks at opening really big windows.

My Biggest Fear is Realized

Thanks to this scene, when I lay down without looking behind me first, I always think I'm going to lie down on a big and scary man. I'm waiting for the day that I come home really drunk and that actually happens. Hey, you never know. As a side note due to my lack of brains and more recent horror movie watching experience, I just found out that Lothos is Rutger Hauer of The Hitcher fame. This does not surprise me. The man is capable of turning up anywhere.

Never Trust a Mirror

This is another scene that continues to affect me until this very day. I'm almost positive that one of these days, when I check my rearview mirror, see nothing there, and then physically look behind me, I will see two vampires walking towards my car. I just know it. I'm also still a little confused why Pike is randomly stopped on a highway...hmmm

Grueller Plays Some Ball

See I told you--not that different. This scene really isn't very scary I just like pointing out that....

That's Ben Afleck!

Evil Parade Floats

The final scene that I used to hate, was when all the parade floats came alive. This stupid squirrel float then proceeds to cackle menacingly and glare at you with its red eyes! I should also point out that until very recently aka today, I thought that was a camel.

Well there you have it. There are of course a handful of other scary moments, namely at the dance and Buffy's final confrontation with Lothos. I forgot to include a picture of the vampire DJ....I hate that guy. Well anyways, it may not be the best movie, and it may in many ways be a parody of the vampire genre, and horror films as a whole--but I still love it. And I maintain that it has quite a bit of scary moments, especially when you're young and vulnerable.

I will now leave you with this, to get you motivated.

HOW FUNKY IS YOUR CHICKEN? HOW FUNKY IS YOUR CHICKEN?

HOW LOOSE IS YOUR GOOSE? OUR GOOSE IS TOTALLY LOOSE.

SO COME ON ALL YOU HOG FANS! SO COME ON ALL YOU HOG FANS!

AND SHAKE YOUR CABOOSE! AND SHAKE YOUR CABOOSE!

Event Horizon: Lucius Malfoy Has a Bad Day

Last month if you happened to catch me on Twitter, I was diligently professing my admiration for the opening music to Mortal Kombat. I didn't say I loved the film mind you, I was just making sure people knew that the Mortal Kombat music will never fail to make me couch dance and start air punching things.

One day when I'm cured of my laziness, I will rise and create an entire routine with air punches and kicks that will make The Power Rangers truly jealous of my moves. Now because I don't know anything, I had no idea that the man behind Mortal Kombat, one Paul W.S. Anderson, was also responsible for Event Horizon. I had been sort of trying to see Event Horizon for the last year or so. Note that sort of trying means that it was on YouTube for a period of time, and then taken down which made me forget to put it back on my queue. Also, I'm lazy. However, this all changed September 1st 2010 when Event Horizon became available for everyone's eyes (that is a member) on Netflix Instant Watch.

I will admit to not knowing a whole lot about the plot before watching. This I think was a good move on my part although I didn't intend things to be that way. I typically like to spoil things for myself, but again for some reason I forgot to do so. Luckily like a lot of Sci-Fi movies, most of what you need to know is presented to us through a screen grab.

Whoops I guess my cursor made a surprise cameo...

So now in present day 2047, a signal is received which signifies the return of the Event Horizon. A rescue ship named Lewis and Clark is dispatched to find out if the crew still lives and also to find out, what the hell happened? On board with the crew, is the designer of the Event Horizon, Dr. William Weir who informs the crew that the Event Horizon is also capable of (thanks to his design of an artificial black hole) travelling within two points in space. After finding the Event Horizon and entering on the ship, the crew finds no trace of the former crew, and soon discovers why they vanished and just where they may have travelled to.

I have to say that I really enjoyed this film. Like really enjoyed it. My eyes did not wander, and I did not contemplate opening my book. Everything was interesting and I wanted to make sure that I witnessed all of it. I hear a lot talk about people giving Event Horizon crap and people brushing it off as anything but a horror film and I just want to say that people #1 I can understand why it gets lumped into the not that great category (although I don't agree) and people #2 are you serious? In much the same way that Alien retains a solid mold of a horror film so does Event Horizon. Event Horizon actually goes a step further in that mold but considerably upping the gore quotient.

Not only that but I was terrified for at least 75% of the film. I felt like the film almost took a haunted/ psychological angle for a great deal of it. It utilized those techniques that I find entirely agonizing--including turning the camera into our character's eyes meaning that whatever they are seeing, so are we. This makes it virtually impossible to prepare yourself for the discovery of something very scary. See the scene where Laurence Fishburne thinks he hears something, or when Sam Neil is in the green tunnel of doom.

I was so amazed by the sheer number of scary moments in this film that I lost count fairly soon after the crew landed on the Event Horizon. Seeing Peters say that she found a "little blood" on some equipment, and then seeing the real problem behind her, made my stomach turn.

It's one of those moments where even though we know that something bad is aboard that ship with them, seeing the evidence and realizing what they are really up against is quite dreadful. I also got chills when we heard the tape recording of the last moments of the original crew. There was something very haunting about it that almost reminded me of something straight out of The Changeling or possibly The Orphanage. Sounds of agony I suppose....but then again what we are dealing with on the Event Horizon is anything short of agony...

Which brings me to my next point, I am simultaneously glad and angry that no one told me about the lost footage of the video tapes. If you've never seen Event Horizon look away now because I guess this is a....SPOILER!

What the fuck. No one and I mean no one deserves to have that shoved in their face without warning. There I was eager to see what this "hell" thing was all about figuring oh you know Pinhead will be there and my friends Butterball and Chatterer and that female, but no, nope.

Just some you know, butt sex! Plus a collection of the most disturbing things you will ever see in brief half second glimpses. Apparently, 40 minutes or something was cut, a large portion of that being extended scenes of the whole situation in hell. I'm not entirely sure I have the heart to ever find out what extended scenes we were missing, I really don't. Event Horizon goes places man. It's terrifying and disgusting and it doesn't necessarily go where you think it will.

Like I said, I was pleasantly surprised when I found that I genuinely loved this film. I can understand why people may not feel the same way. Cooper, our token funny black man has some serious mood killing comic relief moments that really destroy the intense suspense and fear that was so nicely built up. I'm also not entirely convinced that Dr. Weir's (SPOILER) sudden transformation into evil devil asshole was clear enough, or that it transitioned well. One minute he was normal and experiencing hallucinations that had him doubling over in fear the next he is the Antichrist. It seemed a little too quick for me. Again, this could be due to the extent that the film was edited down but I would have still liked to see a little more convincing in that area.

Aside from those blunders, Event Horizon is a really amazing sci fi film. It seems to be an almost perfect combination of Alien and Hellraiser. Aside from all that good stuff, some of these stills are even breath taking.

Although I do find that the black hole orb reminded me a lot of something from the remake of Thirteen Ghosts which means nothing except that Thirteen Ghosts gains inspiration from Event Horizon. But still...kind of a little too Gothic for me and my fear of Gothic things. It's exactly the kind of film that I wouldn't mind watching again AND showing to my friends. It's exciting, and keeps you guessing till the very end. It's also revolting and terrifying and bonus--it's entertaining. Now if only more movies could be all three of those things...minus the butt sex.