Saturday, July 2, 2011

Say My Name: And Get It Right Bitch

Why can't people just get my name right? Is that so much to ask? It's not like I'm asking for a brand new face or something... or for world peace or for Donald Sutherland to stop being so awesome. I just want people to accept my name. ACCEPT IT.

Here is a true story that happened on Friday. I went to Starbucks in the morning because I was ridiculously early for work. After ordering my delicious grande iced chai, the woman asked for my name. I told her it was Andre. She then asked, "Andre?" and I said, "Yes". A few minutes go by and I wait patiently for my delicious iced chai.

Then the drink maker holds up a delicious iced chai and says very loudly, "Grande iced chai for ANDREA?" And then of course I had to walk up there and take it. And then EVERYBODY thought my name was Andrea. I bet they were all maliciously talking to their friends, "Oh look, there goes Andrea and her delicious iced chai." Jerks.

Here's another true story that also happened on Friday. I was hungry after getting out of work early. I went to get a sandwich. The sandwich guy asked for my name. I said, Andre. He said, "Andre"? I said, "Yes. Andre." He ponders for a moment, writes down A-N-D-R-E then thinks for another second and adds the evil A onto the end of it. Yes, I again became Andrea. It's just ridiculous isn't it? I mean yes of course you're right sandwich guy, I must have said my name incorrectly. I must have said Andre when I meant to say Andrea, how silly of me! It is only my name and all.

You probably think I'm making a big deal out of something that is no big deal. You're right but you would think it was a big deal too if you had to go through your whole life being a different name against your will. There was a time in my life when I accepted the Andrea. I was embarrassed and ashamed to correct people. In fact, my hairdresser in my hometown still thinks my name is Andrea because I never had the heart to correct her. And even still today, all Chinese food restaurants think that my name is Emily. Which is blatantly my fault because I suspected that if anyone would get my name wrong it would be a Chinese person. Stop looking at me like that---we're all thinking it.

Well today, I had an epiphany. Why accept the boring and kind of ugly sounding Andrea? (No offense people named Andrea). Why not give those asshole sandwich makers and asshole delicious iced chai makers a name that they would never dare mess up? Here are some names that I'm thinking of adopting for placing orders. Tell me your honest opinion of which one is best.

Ellen Ripley

Naturally most people would suspect something funny and obvious when using a fake name. Something like Michael Myers, or Jason Voorhees would be such things. The key to a good fake name however is picking one that only a select few might recognize. Naturally those select few would be the cool people which you can then friend immediately afterwards, thereby increasing the days cool quota by 2 (delicious sandwich AND a new friend). Ellen Ripley is a good choice for this reason. It's not a blatant fake because it sounds like a real name. But if you do know who Ellen Ripley is then you would think it was pretty fucking awesome that Ellen Ripley was ordering a sandwich. Then of course they would look and see me instead but whatever. I can wear my underwear and kill an alien too. Probably.


The name Bob is pretty regular. But the minute you spell it out in all capitals BOB form---Twin Peaks fans coming running. Depending on how deeply BOB scared them as a child or adult they'll either be running away from you or towards you to congratulate you on being so awesome. Using the BOB name is an immediate cause for congratulatory back pats I think. Maybe even handshakes! Of course using BOB would be tricky because you'd have to explain to the sandwich maker that they have to actually spell it out with all caps and what not. Otherwise the effect would be lost and then you're just the loser girl whose name is Bob.

Carol Anne

The only way I would allow for this name to be used is if a buck toothed annoying kid was the one calling my name when my order is ready. And he'd have to say it all frantic, screechy and scared....kind of like if he just heard his sister's voice coming out of the television set from an alternate dimension.

Carrie White

I'd like to see people laugh at me when this name gets called. Heeeey---ooooo

Snake Plissken

Naturally the whole point of this list was just so I could talk about Snake Plissken again. Even if a different name gets voted on, I hope you realize that I will still be using this name all the time. Can you imagine the possibilities? "Name?" "Yes, that would be Snake Plissken, S-N-A-K-E Plissken." And then oh man, OH MAN when it gets called? People will be like....."Wow....I wonder what is in that sandwich. Probably babies and scorpion tails." Additionally, the other great part about using Snake Plissken as your food ordering alias, is that if anyone dares to get it wrong you can just shoot them in the face. That's what Snake Plissken would do.


Matt-suzaka said...

I think you should just change your name to Serious, then you can say things like "I'm Serious!" Or not. Snake is fine I guess.

Also, I spelled your name wrong once, but it was purely by accident. Sorry Andrew.

The Mike said...

Snake is always the answer, TW! :)

Andre Dumas said...

I remember that time Matt. I was SO MAD. Good point on the Serious name. I'll try that one too...

Knew you'd understand TH ; )

matango said...

Snake, definitely. That way, people in the know can respond, "I heard you were dead." And you can be like, "Yeah, you and everybody else."

Enbrethiliel said...


I used to tell Starbucks baristas that my name was Ever.

Then I'd hear:

"One tall green tea latte forever!"

I haven't used my real name in a Starbucks (or come to think of it, in a nightclub) for years. =P

Emily said...

Hahaha, that's awesome! (Not the name being wrong part of course.) I definitely vote for Snake... I mean, who's cooler than Snake Plissken?! Also... the name "Snake" makes me think of Home Alone as well- ya know, the name of the guy in the video that Kevin uses brilliantly throughout the movie? So that's a double win with the name- Kurt Russell + Home Alone = Super Awesomeness

Mikey Sarago said...

I don't know why, but the thought of Snake Plissken ordering a sandwich sounds incredible to me. Seems like the obvious choice.

I know how annoying it is when people get your name wrong! Whenever I introduce myself to someone as Mikey, they ALWAYS decide to call me Mike instead. Every damn time. Okay, I know that's technically not wrong, but that's not what I introduced myself as, like, three seconds ago, so...ARRRGGG!!!

Patrick said...

The only benefit to my name is that even someone from China can get it right.

What? Inappropriate? Damn-it-all, anyway, I though we were being purposely irreverent. Now I've gotta' change my identity to avoid an assassination attempt by homicidal axe-wielding kung-fu masters. Again.

Andre seems pretty straight forward to me. It's not like there are that many syllables or repeated consonants or anything tricksy like that.

It's probably a global conspiracy to drive you to madness. That will prevent you from discovering your latent superpowers and ruining their plans at ultimate world domination. It's the only logical reason for the continued abuse you've suffered over the years.

Go with the Snake option. Ultra cool. Even better, after you tell them your awesome name, give 'em a big ol' bitch slap right across the face. Then they'll remember for sure.

Marvin the Macabre said...

Carrie White is a good choice since it sounds so ordinary. Nancy Thompson would work too. All I know is if I heard someone announce, "Order up for Samara Morgan," I'd wet myself and leave the restaurant.

Andreas said...

As someone with a very similar but more complicated name, I sympathize immensely.

I've been getting called "Andrea" since grade school, and I think it's about time the "Andrea"s of the world shaped up & stopped trying to impose their name on us!

In the meantime I totally want to tell people that my name is "Snake Plissken." Although I feel like they'd mess that up and call me "Steve" or something.

Thomas Duke said...

Do they ever quip "Andre? Like Andre the Giant?" If that ever happens, you should beat them to death with that silver milk container they have (you could seriously kill someone with that thing).

Dressing up as Snake might be a good idea. You don't insult a guy who has a tattoo on his stomach, you REALLY don't insult a guy who has a life size cobra tattoo, and you REALLY REALLY don't fuck with a guy who has a cobra tattoo that is BIGGER than life size. Also, stay away from anybody wearing an eyepatch, or anybody named "Snake". Plisskin manages to combine all of these "don't fuck with that guy" attributes.

Or, you could just wear an eyepatch when you go into Starbucks, and tell them "everyone calls me Patchy!". I don't think they'll be able to fuck that one up, with the visual aid and all.

CashBailey said...

So Andre, did you ever get that douche at your work to fix your name plate?

Andre Dumas said...

I suppose the real confusion comes from the fact that most people think Andre is solely a guy's name. So therefore they put aside the fact that I just called myself Andre, and turn it into a feminized version because they think I made a mistake. With my own name.

Cash--FINALLY got it fixed a few days ago. I am now a real person!

BRENT said...

Yeah it isn't hard to get someone's name right is it?? I get people calling me Brett instead of Brent and it seriously pisses me off!!
So Ellen Ripley Snake to them all!!

Sharon said...

Or you can do what I do, which is start spelling my name immediately after saying it. "Andre. A-N-D-R-E."
I know it then sounds like you're on a spelling bee, but it seems to work for me and my last name.

Chris Hewson said...

Great post/list Andrea!
Also, is the eye-patch going to be compulsory for the Snake Plissken name? Haha!

Andre Dumas said...

I DO do that Sharon. Usually though when that name is called, and I walk up they go, "Oh sorry, Andrea" And then I just scowl at them.

Anonymous said...

Hey, I have a Peets story: so I'm waiting in line for the bathroom, and it's my turn, I do my thing, and notice that there is no toilet paper, BTW I did number 1, so the polite guy that I am, I return the key and say to the person at the register that the bathroom is out of toilet paper. So, the girl yells out to her coworker that the bathroom needs toilet paper. I mean yells across the store.. so like everyone now knew that I used up the t-paper...NOT!...argh...

Andre Dumas said...

I never realized until now that guys have to deal with that conundrum everyday! It must be tough having the toilet paper be your give away. But hey, at least they didn't say your name and announce it eh?

TheJustinW said...

I feel your pain! i'm often called Jason or once was called Joseph, wouldn't be so bad but i've worked with these people for 8 years.

Pearce said...

I'm feeling this. My name is Pearce Duncan. First name Pearce, last name Duncan. You can probably imagine how hard it is not to get called Duncan. It's also common to call me Peter, Pierre or even Percy. And don't ever mention Pierce Brosnan to me. And yes, I have heard your pun about piercings once or twice over the last 36 years.

But what puzzles me is that sometimes people think that my name is Sean. It's been happening since I was a kid, so it's not an obscure James Bond joke or anything.

Laura said...

I feel your pain here. My name is Laura & people say it wrong all the time. My parents, who gave me the name, have always pronounced it Law-ruh, as though it is spelled Lara. The most common pronunciation seems to be Lora and that's what most people (especially, non-family members) call me. I don't correct people that often, but it never seems to do any good when I do. I always say "law-ruh" when I introduce myself, but few people ever repeat it that way. The few times I ever make an issue out of it, lots of people just keep saying "Lora" and insist that they're saying it the same way I am. Some have said it is too difficult to pronounce it that way. Yet they have no trouble pronouncing the word "laundry" correctly. I had a friend named Andrea, pronounced "O"ndrea instead of "A"ndrea. I never once heard anyone call her "A"ndrea after they heard it once. So why is my name so difficult?


"Oh look, there goes Andrea and her delicious iced chai."