Heads Will Roll

Creepshow

The Omen

Theater of Blood

Friday the 13th Part Two

Killer Klowns From Outer Space (It's very difficult to catch a decent picture of this!)

Daybreakers

Jeepers Creepers

The Brain That Wouldn't Die

Mother's Day

The Company of Wolves

Curtains

Hausu

Evil Dead II

Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer

Ice Cream Man

House on Sorority Row

The Tenant

Reanimator

Return to OZ

Tremors

The Car: Brush Your Teeth, Shake Your Ass

I've been known to turn a nose up at killer car movies in the past. The reasons extending from a long list of, "Well.....it's kind of boring isn't it?" or "You know...I don't really like driving very much at all" or even, "Being in a car when my Mom is driving makes me car sick so..." Yes I've come up with every excuse in the book which is surprising seeing as how I genuinely like killer car movies once I actually sit down and watch them. The Car had something else going for it though. Something other worldly. Something....mustachioed. Something, James Brolin. And so I couldn't ignore its heavenly cries any longer.

Truth be told, The Car has a whole lot of awesome questioning going on. As in, "Wait a minute why is this so awesome?" There's pretty much nothing about The Car that should be good (other than James Brolin's facial expressions)

and yet I find myself rewinding it and reliving some of the greater moments over and over again. Yes mostly it's because the writing is insanely ridiculous and perfect in every way possible, but also I think it's because The Car has this weird burst of character emanating from it. So it may not be the greatest film ever made--but at least it's a film that you will remember and that's saying something.

In a nutshell, The Car is about a dastardly black sedan terrorizing a small town. Apparently the car has no driver and mows down bikers and hitch hikers without any kind of after thought. Again, this isn't surprising since apparently...no one is driving it. James Brolin and his fellow cops then embark on a mission to bring the car down. Many explosions will follow.

While there isn't a whole lot in the way of blood, gore and actual physical scares--The Car does something here that is reminiscent of some of the greatest horror films of all time. It creates a sense of dread that almost seems to drive us mad. Due to this, the car in The Car--isn't just a car any longer, it's an actual villain whose presence immediately makes our stomachs turn. Although the film is largely a bit silly--you can't deny that there are honest to goodness scenes of fear in this. Most notably in my opinion, is the scene where Lauren is on the phone with Wade. She is in agony over the fact that she thinks the car is close and that she can even hear its engine. All the while we see the headlights in the distance growing steadily bigger.

Dramatic irony if I ever saw it....

Perhaps even better than this, is the scene with the school kids practicing their marching band routine. This is a scene that I actually give a ton of credit to.

This is because not only was it harking back to the fabulous and quite perfect scene of the school kids and the birds, but it also manages to make you feel incredibly antsy and extremely fearful of the outcome. It's not uncommon in horror films to want your characters to die. Here though I was dreading the fact that the car could easily mow down all these kids within seconds.

It was one of those scenes that can be linked to any number of films where children are in perilous danger. Think Jaws, Frankenstein, The Birds or even a film like Halloween.

Also notable is the nice way that film uses the car's dust trail to create a sense of warning and danger.

It acts as the shark fin so to speak and its presence often creates violent yelling at the TV screen. If only people would look around when they are keeping watch then we wouldn't have this problem.

For all the strangely good things going on in The Car however, there is of course some hilarity. There's a lot of bad writing here that almost makes me feel embarrassed for the actors that are forced to utter it. There's also a lot of confusion happening, like why for instance there is this awesome streak of blood when we all know that all the car did was push a girl off the cliff.

There's Kathleen Lloyd's character of Lauren who seems to be just a little too vocal about well--about everything really. She's one of those cringe worthy characters that thinks she's hilarious because she can utilize a Brooklyn cop accent. Funny? More like cheese city. She also has a great scene where her superior shows her a drawing that one of her young students did. A drawing of Lauren naked at the chalkboard. Lauren laughs it off and makes jokes about how big he made her boobs, but all of it is kind of face palm inducing.

I also enjoyed the "Stalker Alert" moment that we had in Lauren's house.

Clearly we know what she does in her spare time.

And of course how could we bring up hilarity and not mention James Brolin. He utters what is perhaps the most perplexing line out of the whole film. It goes something like this, "Ever notice it's impossible to brush your teeth without wiggling your ass?" To which Lauren shakes her head and says, "Everybody knows that!"

.........maybe the invention of the electric toothbrush has changed this universal knowledge on us, but remind me again why "everybody knows" that this is true? I mean IS IT true?

And how can we forget the stunt double moment of the year?

Yes, The Car has its moments. Other than it being hilarious in parts, it does actually have its fair share of problems. Mostly in the confusion area surrounding the car. One of my main problems with the film overall is that it doesn't really explain anything very well. At one point Luke launches into this whole theory of why the car can't drive over hallowed ground but he never finished the theory. Naturally I was rusty on my whole who can and cannot walk on hallowed ground knowledge so the only thing I thought of was witches (Thank you Hocus Pocus). But apparently it means the devil.

Now that is pretty neat except for the fact that this movie literally offers up no explanation about why the devil is terrorizing this town, or why he chooses to drive a car, or why anything. Technically you could make up some theories and think about why, but The Car isn't exactly the type of movie to make you think, if you know what I mean.

The plot synopsis hinted at the real cause of the car being this unbelievable, scary thing-but barely anybody talks about it. I wanted MORE. I wanted to know why. Man, I just wanted some answers and unfortunately we got zippo. In fact, unless you are smart enough to draw the conclusion that the car is the devil, the only real explanation you'll get is this giant fire explosion.

Let's play what do you see in the fire?

Personally I saw a dragon--which I thought was pretty cool until I realized that a dragon driving a car would be pretty silly. Then I thought oh well I guess it's a snake.......but again how many people are really capable of connecting snakes and the devil today? People can't even tell you where Texas is located on a map. So anyways...this is all the explanation we get. Devil, snake, dragon, weird old man face I spotted in the lower right corner. It's a bundle of gee, thanks a lot The Car for clearing that up *Sarcasm*.

The film also has a real knack for introducing side plots that do not matter in the slightest. Like the side plot of Luke's drinking, Lauren and Wade's relationship, what happened to Wade's wife? The man who beats his wife, the same man who is mean to Indians. I mean, why are we led to believe that Luke sneaking out to drink on his 2 year anniversary of being sober will be an important part of the overall story when it's not? Or MAYBE the devil chose to terrorize this town because people can't stay sober and because people beat their wives....hmmmm but wouldn't the devil like that stuff? I'm so confused!!

Overall The Car has its pacing problems, it has its confusion and it certainly is not a fan of explaining things. Little of it makes any sense at all really, but you can't deny that the film doesn't have at least a little something going for it. The car IS ominous, and it is menacing and scary. The film is hilarious is in its own way and it does have this strange little bit of charm. Again, I think the whole point of The Car is James Brolin.

Would this movie have ever come to life has he not been involved? I think not.

In Like a Lion...Out Like a Lamb

March and I have had a long, violent history of hating each other. Once when I was a sophomore in high school, March promised me he would be "out like a lamb" but then turned around and snowed a bunch instead. There were ice mounds until the end of April. April!! Another time, March and I were going out to the movies with some friends and I told him to get butter on the popcorn and he "forgot".

Yes, you could say our relationship is complicated, but I've done some thinking and I'm pretty sure he really has nothing to offer. What's good about March? Nothing. And don't even try to say St. Patty's Day makes up for it---drunken assholes wearing green does not cheer me up. I'd rather eat yogurt and watch Full House (yes that is what I did last year...no regrets).

So while doing some thinking about this supposed saying of March being in like a lion and out like a lamb and how FALSE it is---false like Samara being a tortured, trapped soul, FALSE--

I decided today that I would write about film characters that were in like a lion and out like a lamb. Except these characters really are true representatives of the famous saying and not a big fat liar like some other month I know.

Oh right there are some spoilers in case you're not into that kind of thing.

Santi

Santi fits in the mold that many ghosts in ghost stories fit into. Do you ever notice how often in horror movies there is a point where things sort of stop being scary? It's like we are repeatedly teased with horror and then suddenly--the sun comes up, the jump scares trickle off and the rest of the film kind of falls into this strange realm of action. What happened exactly?

Well, in the case of The Devil's Backbone and many other ghost stories, we suddenly realize that the ghost is actually just trying to help. Or they are trying to bring awareness to a key point of understanding.

At first they are terrifying and bothersome and then---nice. Funny isn't it? Santi, the ghost from The Changeling and the ghosts in the Sixth Sense all end up being pretty nice.

In fact, more often than not, they are the real victims in all of this--and someone else much scarier is usually still alive.

Darth Vader

Ah the classic in like a lion character. Darth Vader was for most of the series, the most feared character in the entire galaxy. He used the force to kill people instead of using it for useless things like making spaceships levitate. He killed people for disagreeing with him. And his unmasked face looked like a rotting egg. But who would have guessed that when all hell broke loose and the Emperor got electric hands happy, that Darth Vader would turn into a lamb?

Pinhead

In a strangely uncharacteristic moment from Hellbound: Hellraiser 2 (also known as the movie that makes no fucking sense), Pinhead remembers his former self and sacrifices himself to save the life of Kristy and that mute girl. What the hell Pinhead? What happened to pain and suffering? What happened to ripping people's souls apart? I mean, you are wearing a long pleather jacket with bloody holes for a reason. Also, your face is covered with pins! You are a badass---A LION. And then suddenly you become a lamb....and it's very, very sad.

Old Man Marley

I wonder how many times I can talk about Old Man Marley this year? Hopefully a lot!

This is another classic case of someone very scary turning into something nice and gentle. When we first see Marley he is all old and scary. He's got weird homeless man gloves on his hands, and shovels snow all menacingly. At the end of our film however, we find that Old Man Marley is just a nice old man. He even saves Kevin's life by putting his snow shovel to good use. God Bless Marley.

Also, see scary bird lady from Home Alone 2 and Crazy Pete from every girl's favorite film, Now and Then--for a similar character archetype (Or actually, pretty much the exact same character).

T-Rex

There are very few things that I hide from strangers. One of those things is that I love dinosaurs. They are the best. And while I personally love the velociraptors the most in Jurassic Park, one cannot deny the insanely awesome moment of retribution that the T-rex has at the very end. She goes from being the most feared dinosaur in all the land--to the savior. Sure she probably would have eaten everyone if they had stayed around for much longer, but she still saved their lives. Even though I've seen this film about 63 times, I still am in anguish trying to figure out how on earth the group will escape the raptors. They're surrounded on all sides! And then...bam. T-REX! Saves the day. God bless you, you little lamb you.

Dawson/Thor

There are very few perfect movies out there in the world but I whole heartily believe that Adventures in Babysitting is one of them. In case you need convincing--just know that Vincent D'Onofrio is a mean and cranky car mechanic and that he secretly is probably Thor. Originally we hate Dawson because he won't give Chris and kids their car with the low amount of cash they have. What are they 5 dollars short? Give the kids a break douche head. But then after, Sarah disses him and his failure to be a true hero--Dawson changes his mind. He smiles, and even quips about having his own magic winged helmet at home. Or maybe he was serious? We will never know.

The People Under the Stairs

The People Under the Stairs seems like it's about people under the stairs. In actuality however, the film is really about those two crazy sons of bitches. While initially the kids under the stairs are pretty terrifying--they are also still widely a mystery. Yes they start off as threatening, but then we realize that they are all just victims of crazy face and crazy face's sister. Not only that, but because of their large numbers, they even end up serving as a really great attack squad. Hey tongueless smelly kid--I like you! I really do!

Sloth

As is usually the case with ugly people--we almost immediately begin to fear them. It's too bad really because in most cases the ugly people are the nice ones. Sloth is the poster child for this phenomena. Look how scary he is but really--he's just a big sweetie. I also have a stinking suspicion that Sloth is gay but that is neither here nor there. Seriously though, has anyone else ever gotten that feeling?

And in case you need a boost in life (Which I'm sure you do because March is an asshole)

Here is Hakuna Matata in Polish.