Hey, It's Dexter!

I can't believe Dexter started again and no one told me. You guys are supposed to rouse me from my couch of solitude when something important happens. What's that? Some of you gave up on Dexter? Mmmmhmmm.  A likely story!

Well actually I suppose that's many people's story. As with most shows that center on some kind of giant secret and the importance of keeping that giant secret----Dexter seemed to run out of steam the moment that certain people were "In" on the secret. And more importantly, the plot lines began waning.

There's also some who believe the show 'jumped the shark' due to that whole messiness where Dexter decided he just liked killing people period. But this latest and last season suggests a different story--whether or not Dexter wants to admit it and this intrigues me.

But also mostly I just like seeing crack-whore Deb in action.

Luckily thanks to my best friend (my DVR) I'm 3 episodes into the season, I can now unveil my wisdom.


1. Everyone is terrifying.

Okay maybe not everyone, but lets just say for the sake of brevity and laziness that everyone is kind of terrifying. You've got Deb--who has spiraled down into a pit of alcoholism, drug use, and a strong reluctance to shower. Apparently shooting someone to prevent people from finding out that your brother is a serial killer really takes a toll on you--who knew?

You've got Dexter, who still hasn't realized that he has a son--getting blood on his stuffed animals and yelling because ugly vases get smashed.

You've got Harrison who is significantly older now and can house a whole box of red popsicles--no problem.

And finally you've got Dr. Vogel who continues to creep me out with her weird obsession with Dexter and her satisfaction at watching the boy she pruned grow up into a full fledged murdering bush. I mean, it's pretty obvious she was probably married to Dr. Hannibal Lecter right? If not, then they should totally date.

2. Quinn and Jamie have apparently been having so much sex that they've forgotten to eat anything.

Seriously these two look like they've both lost 30 pounds. It's very distracting--especially with Jamie who was once very cute in that Angel's little sister kind of way but now I just want to throw sandwiches at her.


3. I would like to frame Dexter's childhood artwork and put it somewhere strange like in the bathroom.

4. Why isn't anyone concerned that Harrison might turn into a mini-Dexter? Both were 'born in blood' and I can't help thinking that that popsicle massacre is foreshadowing something much sinister. OH ALSO---are there popsicles like that that are really all one flavor?!?! Show me the popsicle.

Ummmm I guess that's all the wisdom that I have so far. I thought I had more but now I'm too distracted by the popsicle conundrum. Hands up people that hate green popsicles.

 Bleck!

Alright so ultimately I think this season is off to a nice start. Charlotte Rampling's Dr. Vogel is a very nice and unexpected addition. I love how she acts as a psuedo-mother figure but I'm also extremely suspicious of her. I'm still not convinced she doesn't have a kill room of her own somewhere.....or maybe her kill room is the way she 'kills' her psychopaths by unmasking them and committing them to a lifetime of suffering at the hands of an institution and shame. GASP!

The Brain Surgeon is interesting enough though I suppose I do miss the theatrics of the doomsday killer.  But then again once you get Edward James Olmos as Colin Hanks' hallucination everyone else just seems...... meh.

So what do you think? Have you given up on Dexter or will you be tuning in this season at least for the sake of seeing what other kinds of ugly faces Jennifer Carpenter can make?

DVR Your Face Or: Why I Am An Embarrassment to the World

Every now and then something amazing happens in your life that makes you suddenly realize how uncool you really are. For me that moment was when I made up a Men in Black variation of a tag game and made my gym class play it in 5th grade. 

And also when I finally got that little piece of magic called....a DVR. 

A DVR or "Digital Video Recorder" for all you un-trendy people (NOTE: I just Googled DVR to double check I was right) is God's gift to the lazy people of the world. Essentially it is a way to schedule your laziness in. It's not uncommon for me to go through the TV guide for the next few weeks, and pick out things that I know I'll want to be lazy with and watch at a later date. In short, the DVR is the cat's pajamas. 

Now because I never miss out on an opportunity to embarrass myself, I figured I'd let you all into the magical world of what my DVR currently holds. 

1. The Entire Series of Full House

For me, Full House was always the king of TGIF. Sure it was uncomfortably cheesy in its later years, but those beginning seasons are actually quite fantastic. Especially before Michelle could start talking and gained a sense of awareness about her acting. Incidentally a common downfall for all or many child actors. 

In case you don't already know and in case you're in the mood for feeling 'old'. Full House is currently in circulation on Nick at Night. Or is it Nick at Nite? Anyways. Nick at Night/Nite plays about 10 episodes of Full House a night. Before I became an expert at my DVR, I had only set my preferences to save 10 episodes of Full House at a time. What an amateur mistake. Due to this sad blunder, I kept missing out on some of the best episodes of all time. Including but not limited to: The one where Stephanie drives a car into the kitchen

When DJ is anorexic for a week and over does it on the stair master

 and also any number of awkward episodes where Joey Gladstone has a romantic relationship. 

Luckily I then realized that you can save EVERY episode and I now have about oh....200 episodes to work my way through. Isn't life great you guys?

2. Disney Original Movies

In middle school, Disney Original Movies were all the rage. My friends and I used to base our lives around the summer TV schedule of these movie. Also I don't like to brag or anything... but I did have at one time or another, a fake boyfriend from almost every movie. 

So far my nostalgia has reared its head with such classics as:

Motocrossed

Pretty girls pretending to be boys= a lot of sexual confusion for everybody.

Zenon Girl of the 21st Century

Kristen Storms used to look like this

before she looked like this.

I prefer the futuristic version.

Zenon the Zequel

Also known as the movie where they replaced Zenon's black friend with a different black friend and expected no one to notice.

Johnny Tsunami

Snowboarding is apparently not like surfing at all, but if you're really good at surfing you'll be really good at snowboarding in like a few days.

Brink!

Movies with exclamation points in the title are my favorite. 

Double Teamed

NOT a porno. And also---come on haven't you ever heard of split screens? These "identical twins" are worse than Danny and Arnold. 

3. Regular Disney Movies

Let's put aside the anti-feminist undertones and racism of many Disney movies and just bathe in the glory that was my childhood. I have no shame in admitting that I always care more about how sad it is that Nana can't fly off to Neverland with the Darlings than I do about how racist the Indian scenes are. Am I a bad person?

Yes probably.

But seriously that Nana scene is SO SAD. How hard is it to untie her rope MICHAEL. 

......................................

Alright I've given it some thought and I've decided that maybe it's better that Nana couldn't come. I'm not sure how she would have fared on the pirate ship. 

4. The Central Park Five

My sister made me record this because we watched a story about it on 60 Minutes. We still haven't watched it and every time we suggest it to ourselves, this happens.

I'm sure it's fantastic but right now, it's the snakes. 

Mad Men: Broken Homes

After finishing the season finale of Mad Men for a second time, I can't help but feel incredibly sad. Not only will I miss my Sunday Fundays with Pete Campbell's sideburns but in general everyone's life is suddenly pretty shitty.

I can't help but be reminded of Betty's words to Don over the phone, "She comes from a broken home"--spoken about Sally but really I think on a deeper level spoken about every character on the show. Nobody's home has really been in one piece this season has it? Pete's separated from Trudy, his mom is crazy and falling off cruise ships, Peggy stabbed her boyfriend then he dumped her, Joan has a gay boyfriend and a bastard son, Roger's daughter hates him, Ken has a baby on the way and a death wish thanks to Chevy, Ted's falling to pieces...the list goes on and on.

And while I think many may have been underwhelmed by the finale---I can think of no image more fitting than Don and his children staring up at his literally broken home of old.

 Don who perhaps has the most broken home of all. I think there's even a feeling he has after Betty claims Sally comes from a broken home. Almost an, "Oh yeah?" prompting Don to realize how important it is for Sally to know that her home isn't quite as broken as his was.

Overall, this season was phenomenal. I can't really think of any episode that wasn't great in some way. The finale wasn't a giant firework of cliffhangers or excitement but really---Mad Men isn't that kind of show. I think ultimately what transpired in this episode and seeing Don at his perhaps lowest and darkest is a huge turning point. As my good friend Florence + the Machine says, "It's always darkest before the dawn" or did she mean before the DON????? Whoa. But anyways I think we're going to start seeing some major ups next season. Perhaps a real father/daughter relationship for Sally and Don? A better haircut for tricky Dick Whitman?

 More trashy stripper clothes from Peggy?

Boy oh boy I can't wait.

And now for some real fun..Here are some of the more memorable thoughts that went through my head during the finale.

I don't think there has even been a more hilarious and sad moment as Don's Hershey's pitch. Let's break it down.

Don: "Hershey's is about making good memories..and also sunshine, hugs and puppies."

Hersheys: Yay!

Don: Actually..I grew up in a whorehouse and stole money to buy a Hershey bar.

Hersheys: ...........................


Man, that scene was like a car wreck that you just couldn't look away from. I admit both times that I watched it I laughed---not because it was terribly hilarious but because it was all so sudden and disastrous and the expressions on everyone's faces? Man oh man.


Thank God I hopefully will never have to witness Ted and Peggy getting it on again. That was uncomfortable.

Does anyone else think this painting  looks like a wall of vaginas?

NOT GREAT BOB! Is the best line of the season. Hands down.

Although...Pete falling down the stairs may be the best moment.

My sister and I decided that Sally Draper is our new role model. She can really handle herself  huh? Her horrible discovery of Don getting it on with the downstairs neighbor marks the 2nd time she's walked in on people getting it on. The first if you recall--was Roger getting a BJ from Megan's mom. No wonder the girl doesn't want to get it on with Rollo.

Pete not knowing how to drive stick at Chevy was too perfect for words. Dastardly Bob Benson strikes again! Plus he probably also got Manolo to push Pete's mother off the cruise ship. I'm watching you BB.

So, another year, another season. What will I do with my Sundays now? You're right. I should do nothing except cry.