Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Respect: It's What's For Dinner

Respect. It's difficult to find these days and I of all people should know this. Why you ask? Well, today after waiting gleefully in what can only be described as a, "getting way too excited over something stupid" kind of way, I finally got my name plate attached to my cube/"work space". Oh boy I thought, now people will walk by and know my name! And then it happened. I walked back to my cube from lunch and noticed something suspicious. It's the kind of suspicion that only you can spot in your own name almost immediately---the suspicion that it is spelt wrong.

Yes, there for all my new co-workers and that random guy who I always think is my uncle to see while they walk down the hall---ANDERE DUMAS. Andere Dumas? Is that even a real name? I mean, I wrote down my name on a sticky note for the guy, RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM and this is what I get?

OH I should also mention that when my ID badge was made it somehow got entered into the computer as Andrew Dumase which really threw the lady at the front desk for a loop the first time I used it. Like I said, I can't get no respect. Which prompts me to immediately lament about the fact that so few people do get respect---UNLESS they are scary and/or capable of growing a truly superb beard. I probably wouldn't rule out fascist dictators as people that receive respect and also.... Chewbacca.

So who are these scary people and monsters that receive our respect almost immediately without question?


I'm sure all of you almost immediately thought of Dracula from the moment that I said, "respect". That's because he is both tantalizing and scary--a deadly combination. When you are good looking and capable of seducing people yet also capable of scaring the pants off of them, you have won. Another important thing to note about Dracula is that it really doesn't matter who is playing him---he will always command respect (Except maybe Leslie Nielsen sorry Leslie, RIP, love you). Sure some Dracula's are better looking than others and some are scarier, but it seems to be just the mere mention of the name and the reputation that is responsible for how we feel about him, right?


I kind of despise the fact that I'm putting him on this list because in truth--I don't really respect him. But then again, I'm also just really negative towards people that don't shower and have crappy haircuts. As much as I hate to admit it--people respect Jason. They do, because even in this day and age, after countless sequels and horrible remakes--Jason is still the horror movie icon that almost every person on this planet can recognize. People can't even watch hockey games without thinking about Friday the 13th and that says something. I even have a friend who was so scarred by Jason, that the mere glimpse of a hockey mask would send her into anaphylactic shock. And by anaphylactic shock I of course mean that she would punch me in the arm really hard.


I think it goes without saying that when a man has pins stuck all over his face, you respect him. I mean, that must have hurt a lot right? I once had a dream where Pinhead and I were enjoying a nice glass of red wine and discussing literature. Or maybe it was Doug Bradley and not actually Pinhead......hmmm no no, it was definitely Pinhead because I remember asking him, "So tell me, Hell is actually fun right? I knew it!" Anyways, Pinhead doesn't need to do much to command respect. He can just stare at you and you'll immediately shit yourself and apologize for whatever it was you could have possibly done. And then you'll also offer to shine his shoes with your tongue. Wait, does Pinhead wear shoes?

John Ryder

I remember that when I was watching The Hitcher, I couldn't stop exclaiming out loud how fucking badass and cool John Ryder was. He does things that no one can explain and yet instead of crying foul and plot hole, we accept it. Why? Respect son! I mean, this is a man who will torment you until you die. You'll do everything in your power to make sure you get away from him and then he'll suddenly be in the backseat of a station wagon in FRONT OF YOU, playing stuffed animal puppets with some little kid. It's crazy! How can you not respect that?

Snake Plissken

I don't think this one needs much explanation other than; Kurt Russell, eye patch, snake tattoo around the belly button. Yup. RESPECT.

The Candyman

I'm sensing a trend here....everyone that commands respect is a tall man who speaks in a deep voice OR is a mute. Weird. Whatever, I can't talk about respect and not talk about The Candyman right? The man wears a floor length fur coat for Christ's sake. And he's missing a hand yet, still goes about his day to day routines without being the slightest bit handicapped. Oh and he's scary and very alluring. One thing is for sure though, we respect him like nothing else. Why? Because he's black... And also because he eats bees.

Auntie Em

Alright, you caught me, I'm trying to break up the inevitable pattern that this list is taking. But in all honesty, Auntie Em intimidates the shit out of me! That part where Dorothy is playing nice with the baby chicks and Auntie Em kind of rips it out of her hand and is all like blah blah blah stop dreaming, feed the pigs! It's like whoa, this lady does NOT mess around.

Okay, it's possible I made that up, but I do recall her being quite stern and a commanding presence. Despite her old age, the woman was certainly a pistol huh? Is that the right word? Spitfire? Ball buster? All of the above.


Dod said...

Love this post!

And I feel your pain. With a name like "Dod," I've heard several variations: Todd, Don, Dot, and a substitute teacher who always pronounced it "Dode" (rhymes with "toad")...for 10 years!

It's a great list, too. Just about any of Kurt Russell's 80's characters fit on this list.

matango said...

What kind of a place do you work at where they misspell your name that badly?

To be respected it appears that one needs to be dead, maimed, or old or a combination of the three.

The Mike said...

This post is awesomeness. I sooooo agree on Jason. I have a similar reaction....but at the same time he's Jason. I remember the moment when I realized I was rooting for him in Freddy vs. Jason being a big moment for me, because I didn't expect that the guy from all those awful movies was cooler than Freddy. Then I remembered that Freddy was annoying.

And Snake. You know my feelings about Snake. Snake = greatness.

Chris Hewson said...

You missed the great yellow menace FU MANCHU from the list Andre! HE is the kind of villain who really demands respect!

It seems to be a rule of thumb for fascist dictators to have kick-ass beards/mustaches, just look at Stalin's.

And does Pinhead wear shoes? I'm curious now! Although, if he's looking for unspoken abominations to wear on his soles, he'd need look no further than Everville, another book by the man, Clive Barker, except this one is terrible, very, VERY bad, even worse as it's the sequel to The Great and Secret Show, which was actually good. Point being, Everville is the only book that I actually felt the need to destroy, so I did to it, what R.J. Macready did to The Thing.

Spooky Sean said...

I'm gonna add the woman from...The Woman. Wow, never thought I'd get to write that. Still, that lady is nuts! She is so feral, yet also kind of hot, despite having black teeth. I mean, the teeth are a deal breaker(that's a lie).
I would say people with face tattoos usually demand respect, in that they may or may not have killed someone. I mean, if they have a tear that is supposed to mean they killed someone; I don't know if it always does, but that is beside the point. If you have a tattoo on your face, chances are I will treat you with respect, out of fear of being trampled to a bloody pulp.

The French Waffle said...

I resent (all in good fun) that remark about Leslie Nielson as Dracula, he is one determined vampire with strong attention to detail and that deserves a certain amount of respect. Also, I might add Dr. Lector to the list-sheer respect for that man.

Patrick said...

As Dod and The Mike said, Kurt Russel is pretty much awesomeness personified. Anybody who can get away with the line, "If I'm not back in 10 minutes...call the President" is obviously a badass and deserving of respect.

This is a great post, Andere (snicker). It's funny that you bring up a blatant lack of name-respect in your respect post. How very apropos. Tell those rat-bastards to get it right or face the wrath of Kurt Russel. That'll get results.

Pinhead has to wear shoes. If he didn't, he'd get dirty hippie feet and then wouldn't get any respect at all. He probably wears Docs. All the cool cenobites wear Docs.

Bela Lugosi gets respect because not only is he the most well known vampire ever, he also knows where to get the good acid. You can tell by his photo.

Auntie Em? I can see respecting the Wicked Witch (she has an army of flying monkeys; that's scary as hell) but Auntie Em? I reckon I'll give you that one simply because you're cool... Andere (snicker, snicker).

Keep up the good work, Andre'. Your blog kicks ass. Respect.

Anonymous said...

I can see Pinhead shunning shoes in an act of tough guy bad-assness. Or maybe his "shoes" are nails stuck in his feet-thus giving him extra height and double respect.