Inferno: No One Told Me I Could Take MY Cat To Class.

Being the second installment in the Three Mothers Trilogy after Suspiria, Inferno has some enormous shoes to fill. Unfortunately I don't think any Argento film will ever affect me the same way that Suspiria did, but Inferno certainly has it's moments.

Inferno delves further into the story of the Three Mother's quoting from an old book, giving details about what each sister or mother looks like and where they live. We find that Mater Tenebrarum the Mother of darkness- is the cruelest of the three- The Mother of Tears is the most beautiful (obviously since she has to walk around naked all the time), and The Mother of Sighs is the oldest of the three. So for half of the movie we follow Sarah around, a girl living in New York who discovers that the building where she lives may be harboring some dark secrets. Once she kicks the bucket- her brother Mark comes to New York after receiving a letter from Sarah. Soon Mark becomes caught up in the same dark secrets and is left to rid the world of the 2nd Mother.

Now first off, I want to say that what I love the most about Inferno, is that it creates a very similiar nightmarish- environment that Suspiria did. I don't know if it's just me- but I used to have these dreams where I would discover a whole other, undiscovered part of a house. The undiscovered part would seem to stretch on forever and around every corner that I took I felt myself get more and more anxious. This is exactly how I felt during most of Inferno. That scene in the beginning where Sarah discovers the underwater ballroom- is one of the most amazing things I have ever seen. There's just something so eerie and beautiful about it that it just makes my head spin. More nightmarish than beautiful- but equally awesome to me is when Mark discovers the way into the secret floor of the building. I just can't put my finger on it but those two scenes really wowed me. I'm sure it harkens back to my old dreams but those two scenes always make me wonder why Inferno isn't talked about more...

And then I remember a few things. The character of Mark is boring and extremely uninteresting. Nothing he does makes me worry for his safety and I almost wish Sarah had just stayed the principle character. The movie also at times tend to get a bit slow, deaths aren't as exciting and creative as they were in Suspiria- and any characters we grow attached to seem to kick the bucket shortly after. OH and also, a mean old man drowns a bunch of cats in a bag (!!) and the ending reveal of the Mother of Darkness is one of the most laughable I have ever witnessed. Maybe I'll spice things up later and show a picture of her.

Now this isn't to say I don't like Inferno- because if anything, another viewing of this movie has turned me onto the fact that I really appreciate this movie more than I thought I did. Nothing can really live up to Suspiria and in the case of The Mother of Tears sometimes you can crash bitterly like a baby being thrown over a bridge, but Inferno does a pretty swell job in my opinion. Another thing that tickled my fancy is that movie really stayed true to those same nightmarish colors we saw in Suspiria. There are instances of this crazy purple and pink kind of glow, and of course the signature blood red walls. I also loved the bloody handprint on the white curtains, and that one scene where that guy was spitting blood all over the place. The rat death scene is debatable- pretty gruesome but at the same time I'm always just too upset over the drowned cats to really give a shit.

Overall I think Inferno gets looked over a lot- but there are a lot of truly stunning things happening- as well as some truly awful things. If you haven't seen in this in a while I would suggest giving it another look. If you've never seen it- do not watch it right after a viewing of Suspiria or you'll just feel sad on the inside. And if you're going to watch it alone don't get too scared when this happens....

Ahhhh it's too scary I can't take it!! Rubber skeletons leave me alone!

Creepshow: Is It Weird That I'm Craving Cake AND Roach Cereal?

The opening credits of Creepshow are enough to give any living horror fan an immediate heart attack. George A. Romero. Stephen King. Tom Savini. Ed Harris. Leslie Nielsen. TED DANSON. It's like my heart was my rolling down a steep hill. Creepshow is a homage to horror comics like Tales from the Crypt, and weaves tales of fright in and out of comic book styled (whoops my bad GRAPHIC NOVELS) pages and provides an overall amazing experience. I love how the beginning stars Stephen's King's son- and how he shares a special moment with the ghoulish mascot of the Creepshow comic who is conveniently floating outside of the boy's window.

Hey look a flying scary skeleton ghoul is outside my window.

You silly skeleton ghoul! Let's be friends.

Yeah, it's basically a near perfect interaction. And now onto the tales of horror. Each tale is unique in that they really all provide a completely different side of horror. We have the tale of the zombie who likes cake, alien-like meteors that feast on hill billies, the aspect of haunting, hungry monsters, and things that just plain eat us alive. They are all scary on a different level and I loved how even though the movie runs at 2 hours long- the stories never drag and your attention is held the entire time.

I'm sure everyone has different opinions on which segments they love- but my personal favorites would have to be Father's Day and Something to Tide You Over. Father's Day captured an authentic feeling of creepy old relatives, dark histories, and Ed Harris dancing like a maniac. I loved the look of the corpse and it's gross mouth and the classic Wheres my cake line. A sentence I find myself asking most of the day. I can't help it if I love cake! Not this kind of cake however.

I may be biased in my opinion on Something to Tide You Over, because anything that Ted Danson is involved in is an immediate hit in my book. BUT I will maintain that Leslie Nielsen's character is one sick and twisted fuck. Anything that has to do with drowning, immediately gives me the heebie jeebies and this little segment may be the ultimate torture. Again the look of the walking corpses at the end was incredible- and I especially loved their gurgling/ bubbling sounds.

The Lonesome Death of Jody Verrill also needs mentioning because it stars Stephen King as a silly, dumb, hick!

Who knew Stephen's acting chops were so well defined? Other than that, this segment was kind of eh for me. If anything it just provided some serious comic relief in the form of Stevie.

I also loved the Crate segment- the scenes where Henry fantasizes about killing his wife were great! The one where he shoots her and then all the party guests clap and exclaim what an excellent shot he has, is fantastic! The monster in the Crate- while looking like Harry from Harry and the Henderson's was scary with his huge fingernails and awful looking mouth full of sharp teeth.

And then we have the cockroach scene, called They're Creeping Up On You features an angry and crotchety old man obsessed with killing every vile creature that sets foot in his overly sterile looking penthouse. Bravo highlights this as being the scariest moment- and while I can appreciate it, it really only makes me itchy and grossed out. Cockroaches are the anus of the bug world- and while I don't have a particular disliking for them- this scene will definitely make your skin crawl. And in the case of Upson Pratt this concept is taken literally.

Creepshow is 2 hours of pure horror fun. There's something for everyone in each of these segments- and while we each have our own personal stance on which segments we love- it is pretty much agreed that Creepshow is fantastic. At least I hope so. Thanks to the recent surge in Netflix instant viewing- this recently became available so if you have Netflix get busy! Also, keep a look out for a swell Tom Savini cameo at the end and the just overall wonderful ending in general.

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The Gate: Claymation Never Looked So Good.

The Gate was one of my earliest horror movie memories. I believe Emmy Doomas and I stumbled upon it one brisk november morning and were utterly confused at the presence of little clay mud demons reeking havoc on some kids. The thing I always remembered the most was the saddest part of the movie-when the geeky/metal head kid Terry hallunicates his dead mother's return, and hugs her really tightly. Turns out- he had just been hugging the family's really old dog instead- squeezing it to death. Yeah. I probably cried back in the day- heck I even cried a little just now. The point is- this movie was an exciting jaunt down memory lane- and although it isn't quite scary anymore- it is wildly entertaining.

Glen is a young boy obsessed with rockets. After the big tree in his yard gets removed he and his aforementioned friend find a quartz rock they believe to valuable. Turns out- this is no ordinary rock. It's the key to opening the gates of hell! With the aid of a mystical spell, the sacrifice of the dog and a little spilling of blood- the gates of hell open and Glen, Terry and Glen's older sister Al are tormented by little demon's made out of mud.

First off- the little demon men are amazing.

Imagine accidentally opening the gates to Hell and finding out the dreaded demons are these little shits? I mean come on- a few kicks and these guys are taken care of. But I suppose in large numbers they could be threatening but...mostly they are just really really funny.

The other best part about this movie is when Terry is in his room dancing to his metal record. He starts lip syncing the spoken part of the song- while wearing his rainbow bed sheet as a cloak. Oooh yes it IS amazing...how did you guess? I wish I had a clip but you'll just have to imagine it for yourself.

Despite the obvious cheese and hilarity that ensues throughout the movie- I was a bit taken aback by a part I definitely did not remember seeing as a child. I'm talking about when the scary story that Terry told Glen about the worker being buried in the walls of the house, manifests itself. A dead guy comes out of the wall and starts attacking! I was actually a little startled if you can believe it. The guy also looked like the Juggernaut from Th1r33n Ghosts (did I spell that right? I'm sick of these movies being all fancy and smart with their numbered titles. Yeah I'm talking to you Se7en!).

So while sometimes I got a little bored, I still maintain that this movie is all sorts of fun. A few more points of interest- when the boyfriend character takes the dead dog to the vet and it's just casually lying in the front seat! Apparently that guy has no soul. When an eye appears in Glen's hand. I guess the big demon wanted to keep an eye on him? And basically every face that Stephen Dorff makes. Did I mention Stephen Dorff plays Glen? He's actually a pretty cute kid- and his heart break over his sister's constant shafting is practically Oscar worthy.

I would say definitely don't expect to be blown away by this one. I would only recommend it if you had specific memories of it from your childhood- otherwise you're just going to be wishing that you were watching Sleepaway Camp instead.

Oh and for Christmas I would like this t-shirt. Thanks.