Silent Hill: A Collection of All The Creepiest Settings in the World

As much as I dearly love video games I must be honest, I am on a strict Nintendo diet. I learned to despise anything that wasn't Nintendo early on in my life, and would shut myself in the upstairs room and play Duck Hunt until my eyes got fuzzy. I went from system to system, NES, SNES, Gameboy (skipped Game Cube) N64, Nintendo DS and now Wii and yet I can't help but wonder about all those other games available to all those other systems. You see, my Nintendo diet is even more restrictive than some as I kept close to Mario and Zelda, and ignored all those.....other games involving space and aliens and war and whatever else they involved. I was once handed an Xbox controller and told to play Halo--of which I dismally failed. What were all these frickin buttons about, and why were there TWO joystick things? Sure I kicked major ass at Goldeneye, but Halo? A train wreck.

One day I stumbled across an article about the Top 13 Scariest Video Games. Oh boy, I thought to myself---I LOVE video games....but my face fell when I saw the picks. Bloody operating tables, darkened rooms and abandoned hospitals, disfigured and gross looking....people? What was this? Oh right "those other" video games. After reading through all the choices I was fixated on Silent Hill and all this talk about something called Pyramid Head and how he raped some mannequins or something. I watched a clip of the level on YouTube and was officially creeped the fuck out. It was then I remembered that Silent Hill was also a movie, one of those elusive movies based on a video game. Typically these do not go so well but I recalled hearing okay things about the Silent Hill adaptation. For some reason I'm only just getting to see it now and I must admit I was a tad apprehensive about what I would find.

Video games to movies are tricky (we all know what happened with Mortal Kombat) but for the most part I think Silent Hill does an OK job. Well, this is coming from someone who's only information on the video game comes from a Youtube clip and Wikipedia synopsis--so I guess I'm not the best authority on the matter. I'll just say that the film is very creepy, in a gross, smelly, and bloody way and we'll leave it at that.

The plot is interesting enough and involves the disappearance of Rose's daughter Sharon in the ghost town of Silent Hill. The deeper Rose gets into Silent Hill, the more she realizes that the town harbors a dark secret, clearly implemented in the utterly bizarre and terrifying world that she has landed in.

My number one complaint is that the film is as usual---too damn long. Two hours to be exact. I'm not entirely convinced this was necessary and I think a lot of it has to do with Sean Bean's character. I don't think he was that important. It's like a Julie and Julia situation where two separate stories are shown and you really only end up caring about one of them. Apparently the director's original script was completely devoid of men, and it was sent back with "There are no men!" scribbled on it. Sean Bean's character was added in due to this comment soooo in a nutshell--he doesn't need to be there. It's simply too confusing. I feel like everything we needed to know about Sharon is cleared up near the film's conclusion. If you think of the film without the scenes from the real world--everything would be fine and clear. And plus, we wouldn't have that entirely stupid and bleak ending. What's wrong with having a film with no men in it anyways?

Things also happen to very disjointed. Rose seems to move from one place to another without a clear indication of when that is happening. There isn't much traveling and I felt distanced from the whole idea of the darkness falling over everything and turning things....yucky. Typically if you are familiar with the video game this major aspect would be clear to you but for a non video gamer I feel that the two different sides of Silent Hill (and what is already a different side of Silent Hill to begin with) were kind of confusing and not explained until well into the film's running time.

My third major complaint shouldn't come as a surprise--the CGI. I get that in this instance the CGI is actually a nice compliment to the video game aspect and even at times makes it seem like it is a video game. I however found it distracting in times of critical fear inducing moments. A good example are those bug things. I really could not tell what they were until that single one crawled on Rose's leg and ended up in the room with them. I thought maybe they were rats or scorpions--the CGI muddled them all together making it nearly impossible to figure out why everyone was freaking out so badly. All of the shocking and grotesque moments involving the creatures were also sometimes hindered due to the CGI and that is a shame.

That isn't to say however that I wasn't extremely creeped out by a lot of those creatures. The janitor in the bathroom for instance was a giant WTF moment,

as were the scary nurses. I guess people in weird positions, seemingly stitched with barbed wire can be pretty hard to mess up though. I also came to love the setting and idea of it always raining ashes. In fact there is so much to be said about the atmosphere, and the completely twisted appearance of the notorious Pyramid Head but I think all of it is so similar to the video game that I should really be handing out high fives to those creators. Still though, taking a video game and applying it to film form cannot be easy. With some editing I think the film could have been more successful for those that had not ever played the video game. It's a fine film and one that kept me genuinely entertained despite its two hour death sentence, I just wish I knew more about the game.

While Silent Hill was still completely entertaining, wonderfully bloody and creepy in all the right places--I mostly felt by its end that what I really need to do was go play the video game. So I pledge to you all that I will at some point play this game (most likely the Wii designed one) and then report back on it. I will also be playing it with the lights on and clutching my stuffed dog named Spot and no one better give me a hard time.

The number one moment is Pyramid Head raping mannequins...go figure.

Make Your Own Digital Clothing!

Remember in Scream 2 when the killer asks Randy what his favorite scary movie is and Randy replies, "Showgirls" ? Well let me tell you something, Randy was not kidding. Showgirls is terrifying. I've seen Showgirls about 100 times because for some reason Showgirls is played at least once a week on TV. If you know anything about cable network movies than you know that there is a very strict no boobies clause. Due to this, the TV version of Showgirls is hilarious because they draw on digital clothes to cover up the boobies. I didn't start noticing this for a few years, till one day when I noticed that the leopard spots on Nomi's belly shirt were moving. In fact I had gotten so used to this digital clothes version, that I had completely forgotten the full unedited version existed.

This all changed yesterday when I realized that the full, uncut version was available on Netflix. Oh joy I thought, some quality time with my favorite so bad it's good film! Then I put on the movie and.....it was horrifying. Apparently Showgirls is 2 hours long. Also, people are naked for 80% of this. I'm not a prude or anything but there's only so much naked Jessie Spano a soul can take. 20 minutes in and I was silently wishing that the digital clothes were with me. It's so relaxing and fun when digital clothes are there! Without them, the film turns into a completely angry, pornographic mess. There's no sense in summing up why Showgirls is an awful movie so I won't. But just know that Nomi Malone is a beast. Why does she do everything so angrily? Why do periods have to be brought up? Why is she so fucking scary? I'm serious this movie is terrifying---Randy was right.

So anyways, I ended up watching the entire movie because it was so amazingly different from what I'm used to. The edited version is a completely different movie--it baffles me. Somewhere during this 2 hour long shit storm however I came up with the best idea ever. Why not add on my own digital clothes? It was like having my very own whore paper dolls. Imagine the possibilities of deciding what Nomi will wear in every single shot? Believe me--life has never been more wonderful.

So if you're feeling artistic and bored try some Nomi Malone electronic paper dolls. Take a few pics, draw on some clothes and let the magic happen. I'm telling you--it's absurdly entertaining.

Dolls: Go Away Judy

Dolls are universally terrifying. Let's just get that out there. Put a doll in any horror film, or any movie for that matter, and it's bound to be met with unpleasantness. People can typically recall an event in their past that makes this fear much more attainable than say, a man wielding a knife. My creepy doll memories include Colonial portraits of short haired little girls where I used to envision them being alive in there and starring at me (I blame The Witches).

Oh wow those are really really creepy. I think it has to do with the fact that they look like adults, but are little. Midgets? Maybe. Still, why did we have these? And why is she holding a squirrel? Sick.

Technically these aren't dolls but they have the same characteristically creepy old faces that creepy old dolls have. Still not happy? Fine, here's a better one. We used to have this doll in our family, which I assume was some family heirloom that could have made a buck or two at Antiques Roadshow. This doll was at least 1o pounds, made of the heaviest plastic possible and had a short brown haircut just like those creepy portraits! I hated it so much that I used to step on it on a daily basis, but then finally gave up and locked it in my closet. I shudder to think if it's still there.

Having not seen Dolls until very recently, and based on my latent fear of dolls, it's hard to tell if not seeing it when I was younger is a blessing or a curse. Watching the film now, I find the dolls to be very creepy but I'm not agonizing over it like I would if I had seen it when I was little. I'm also not 100% positive that I really loved this film, which again has a lot to do with only having seen it now. If I saw it back in the old days of Power Rangers and jelly shoes, I probably would be talking about it non stop as a past traumatic event of my life. I'd be going to support groups, and yelling and crying every time someone brought a doll near me. Instead, I'm just taking screen grabs of dolls with dirt lips, and being annoyed at Ralph and the comedic music.

For what it is, and being that it is Stuart Gordon-- Dolls is still entertaining. I think I mainly just have a problem with movies like this and that stupid comedic music. It makes everything so damn funny doesn't it? Despite there being actual moments of what could be considered fear, the music ruins it all and calms us. There is nothing technically wrong with doing that, especially if the movie is trying to achieve something more lighthearted---BUT there is kind of a surprising amount of blood and gore in this for it to be lighthearted so this leaves me feeling confused.

Yes, I'm really confused.

Dolls by the way, is about a little girl named Judy (I'm sorry but she looks like a Cabbage Patch Kid)

her mean parents, a nice fat guy named Ralph and some British punks who are holed up in the nice manor of some old people--that really like toys.

When one of the punky girls tries to bag some antiques in the middle of the night she is attacked by the dolls and killed. Judy, who witnesses a portion of the crime tries to alert the others-who mainly believe her to be just a silly child. But the gist of the matter is yes, the dolls are alive and they kill people who aren't nice and childlike.

I really enjoyed the dolls in this. Their giggling and the way you didn't really see them fully move until later was quite well done. I also enjoyed how tool savvy they are.

I'm not sure why they have things like mini drills, and mini saws but hey--it works. It really convinced me that being taken over by little dolls would be difficult to get out of. In most instances when dolls are used they bring nothing to the table. They are just little and then suddenly someone is dead...? These dolls however are ruthless. I'm not sure how crazy I am about seeing what is really underneath their faces though. What is that all about?

Why can't they just be dolls, why do they have to be some gross goblin, skeleton, weird creature?

One thing that has been bothering me though, is how much I hate everyone in this film. Maybe it's intentional but is it really? I'm pretty sure we are suppose to like Judy, and I'm at least a little bit sure we are suppose to like Ralph. Maybe it's just my personal taste preference involving ugly girls and fat guys who are too overtly "funny" and over the top. Tough call. I will say how I found it very odd and annoying that Ralph is so jumpy and terrified of the two old people at the end. Obviously if he deserved to be made into a doll, or killed by a doll he would have. They won't be hurting you anytime soon and plus you should be grateful. The more anxious and annoying he got, the more I was sure the old people were going to change their minds. Ralph showed promise early on but for the most part he kind of creeped me out. He reminded me of someone.....yes, I think he reminds me of the guy on Man vs. Food.

Well anyways, this brings up another interesting point however which is the likability factor of the two old people and in a larger sense-- the dolls. Technically everyone who dies is an asshole and deserves it, but it still seems like we are in the mindset that the dolls are the villains. But it doesn't feel like it's supposed to be that way. I can never get a good sense of whose side I'm suppose to be on and that bugs me. I feel like we are pulled back and forth and the movie isn't sure which way it wants to go. You would think that Judy is the hero--but her life is never actually put in danger, and the movie makes it clear that Judy is untouchable in the eyes of the dolls pretty early on. So what does that mean? What are we doing if we aren't watching Judy and Ralph try to escape from the dolls. The crisis has been averted and no true harm will really come to them (except at the end when Judy's Dad goes crazy). It's the strangest set up I've ever seen.

Anyways, I like Dolls, I really do. It's not perfect or anything, but it carries with it just the right amount of creepiness. Sure the dolls may get too giggly there towards the end but you really can't beat a doll that moves around and cackles at you. It's an untouchable kind of fear that continues to upset people no matter how old they are. I suppose if anything else, Dolls is good for a laugh. Everyone just seems like such a caricature--like is anyone's Step mom really that heinous? And the Dad too? And why God, why, would a Teddy Bear slow down someone? Who throws a kid's Teddy Bear in the woods, honestly? Again these things are probably intentional but it doesn't mean those choices can't bother me. I will watch Dolls again, and continue to get creeped out by the dolls, but let's just say that it's not on my list of things to demand people to see. Really, it's no Showgirls.

This scene right here is actually pretty effective. I especially love the little old lady with the baby carriage, very spine tingling indeed!