Thursday, August 11, 2011

How Rude!

Last night the carbon monoxide detector went off in my apartment. For those that do not know, the actual sound that the carbon monoxide detector makes when it goes off can easily be equated with death. It's very loud and very upsetting. At any rate, when the alarm went off my first thought was, "How long until we die!" and also, "CATS. Gotta save the cats!". After coming to my senses, my dinner party and I filed nicely out to the porch while keeping contact with the cats who took shelter by open windows. I then phoned the local fire department and told them the situation to which they replied they would send someone over.

Apparently sending someone over is fancy fire department lingo for sending a giant fire truck with flashing lights followed closely behind by the deputy. When the man in the fire truck walked up to us his first response was, "Are all the windows open?" To which we replied..... "Yes...." To this he answered, "How are we supposed to check for gas if you opened the windows?" At first I laughed and thought oh those funny local fireman always being sarcastic and what not! I soon realized that he was not being sarcastic, he was serious.

Jeez I'm sorry it's the middle of summer and we had all the windows open. Yes actually, my first thought during a possible carbon monoxide leak is to immediately close all the windows and doors and vacate the building, leaving my cats inside to die! How silly of me.

In any case, this particular fire man was rude. So rude, that he made us feel bad and foolish for calling the fire department in the first place. Like we should have known that the alarm only went off because our oven was leaking carbon monoxide when turned on (?!!?). Aren't they there to be helpful? Isn't it better to be safe than sorry? That's what they tell you anyways, and then when you're home alone and in the 2nd grade you realize that being safe rather than sorry probably does not mean calling 911 when you suspect a burglar is in the attic moving boxes around. As a side note, fireworks going off in the distance DOES sound like a burglar in the attic moving boxes around, and I stand by it.

ANYWAYS where was I? Oh yeah, this guy was fucking rude. You know what I think about rude people? They stink. Here are some other people that can join rude club. Enjoy.

Freddy Krueger

Freddy Krueger is rude for a number of reasons. First of all, he invades our beautiful peaceful dreams and tries to kill us in them. Secondly, he's very crass and dirty and likes to stick his tongue through the phone at you, and also invades your private bathtub time by trying to mutilate your vagina. Could it get any worse? Oh right he is a child killer which is 80s talk for pedophile. Rude, rude rude. And also...he just never shuts up does he?

Homeless Cricket Man

One of the greatest and most complicated questions in the world is, why is that homeless man eating crickets in Hellraiser? Aside from the fact that yes he's probably some representation of evil or whatever---it's a weird little scene right? Not only is it strange, but it also perfectly exemplifies the very same kind of rude behavior I hate. Is there a sign in the pet store that says, "Eat all the crickets you want"? No! Are those your crickets to eat? Definitely not. RESPECT THE PET STORE YOU RUDE HOMELESS MAN!

Mean Evil Dwarf

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people are rude to someone because they made an innocent and harmless mistake. Like when the train lurches and you fall on someone and they give you this scowl like you purposely meant to fall on them. The same happens at the end of Don't Look Now. The Donald, merely thought the mean evil dwarf was his daughter right? That's really what he needed to see after all. Harmless. But nope, the mean evil dwarf has to take real offense and stab him in the neck! What a fucker.


All sharks are rude. End of story. Although I suppose the shark in Jaws is the rudest of them all because it likes to pop up all the time without warning which makes me upset. There's also no picture because sharks are too scary.

Herbert West

Because I like to think of you all as my friends, I will bestow upon you some very important advice. Do NOT and I repeat, do NOT take people's beloved pet cats without asking and perform freaky, horrible scientific experiments on them. This is considered very rude. I suppose you could ask first but it's more like the thought of it that is rudest. Let's just leave the cats out of this huh?


The Mike said...

Brilliant, TW!

Y'know who's always torqued me off? Girl in Chock Full O' Nuts from Escape From New York. Heck lady, Snake just ran in off the street to get away from creepy gangs, stop begging him to take you on his glider right after you met him. That's totally rude, and Snake shouldn't have to put up with it.

Actually, now that I think about it, most everyone's rude to Snake. Sad Mike.

Patrick said...

I agree with The Mike. That was absolutely brilliant.

Thanks, as always, for the excellent post, Andre. Keep up the great work.

Jason & Michael are both incredibly rude because they stab people while they're having sex. That's rude in every language.

Have a good one.

Chris Hewson said...

Oh Andre, if you won't add scary shark pictures, I'll be only too happy to oblige. *laughs evilly*

kindertrauma said...

I love this post and it makes me think of the guy working at the store at the beginning of THE FOG who takes a sip of OJ and then puts the bottle back on the shelf to be sold to an unsuspecting customer who might be me. Rude.

Spooky Sean said...

I'm glad you and your cats didn't die.
Fuck that d-bag, if he has a problem being called out for things like possible carbon monoxide poisoning, he should get a different fucking job.