Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Bad Jobs

In the midst of my search for a more glamorous, higher paying job--I can't help but feel discouraged. Application submissions via websites seem like a black hole and also, why do people never pick up their phones? When the going does get rough however, I always think of situations that are way worse. Behold these job descriptions, and real jobs held by some not real people. And the next time your 400th job application gets tossed to the side just keep saying to yourself, "it could be worse".

Job Title: Babysitter
Where: Map Needed

Job Description: Babysitter wanted to watch some kids. Okay, actually there are no kids just an elderly woman. Alright lies again. What we are really looking for is someone who doesn't mind having their role in life expanded. Get paid a lot of money to sit around and eat pizza. Don't worry if it tastes bad, it's supposed to. Job requires very little action. Curious wanderers and smart people are discouraged from applying. Please do not look in those garbage bags in the closet. Also, do not plan on taking a shower.

Job Title: Usher
Where: Piccadilly Circus, London

Job Description: Movie lover? Romantic? We have the job for you. Join the esteemed team at one of London's most popular cinemas. Ushers will be responsible for patrolling the cinema once in a while to make sure people are not doing things that they shouldn't, i.e. filming movies, talking, masturbating, etc. Enthusiastic applicants will be required to sign a waiver indicating that they understand that putting their life in danger may happen. Angry patrons, horny men and/or wolves are all possible when you sign your life away to work for us. Cheerio!

Job Title: Butcher
Where: Near Bratislava, Slovakia

Job Description: Private and elite hostel seeks burly applicants who enjoy cutting up meat of all types and sizes. Cooking is not necessary--only disposal. The appropriate candidate will possess the qualities that will help make clean up easy and fun. A cheery disposition is a plus, whistling is not discouraged. Prepare to get dirty, and bloody. Sensitive types need not apply.

Job Title: Model
Where: London

Job Description: Excellent opportunity for a beautiful model who has always wanted the photographer to capture a more vulnerable side of her. A professional photographer and videographer will gladly take your picture and then show you something you've truly never seen. You may get scared, you may excited--whatever the emotion, a guaranteed look of surprise will be granted. Vain models strongly encouraged to apply, mirrors welcome. No guarantee of seeing the finished product though.

Job Title: Book Editor
Where: New Hampshire, Hobbs End

Job Description: Arcane Publishing seeks enthusiastic and hard working book editor for a highly successful horror novelist. Applicants should be aware that getting manuscripts may prove difficult and may require journeys to fictional towns that appear to be real. Getting lost should be anticipated, as well as passing creepy little boys aged into old men riding bicycles at night. In some instances, permanent relocation to fictional/real towns may be required. Contortionists are a plus!

Job Title: Computer tech
Where: Isla Nubar

Job Description: Exciting opportunity for a computer tech looking to take part in changing the future. New and upcoming experimental theme park seeks a highly knowledgeable computer brainiac. Software may date back to the early 1990s and mastery of the Unix system is a must. Do not miss this opportunity to be a part of history. Additional job requirements include: Knowledge of circuit breakers, chain smoking, and hating hacker crap. Prepare to give it all (including your arm!).

Job Title: Asbestos Removal Worker
Where: Danvers State Hospital

Job Description: A team of highly qualified asbestos workers is needed to rid the Danvers State Hospital of asbestos. The job will need to be done quickly--a bonus for those that get it done quicker. No ghosts presently, but anyone with a past history of mental illness, or a weak and wounded mind is strongly discouraged from applying. Additionally if you suffer from an extreme case of Nyctophobia, Danvers is not the place for you. On the off chance someone with a weak and wounded mind does get the job, prepare to utilize teamwork and to stay out of their way. Also, try not to talk to anyone named Simon.


Pax Romano said...

Take the baby sitter's position, Mr. and Mrs. Ullman are really nice people.

PS thanks for the Japan link, you really do rock.

The Mike said...

This post made me go both "NICE!" and "Awwwwww". Aloud. I'm a dramatic reader.

Anyway, I feel bad for Sam L. He's too cool to be dino fodder.

Good stuff.

Christine Hadden said...

Love these! In particular the Sam Jackson one. I love me some Jurassic Park! (*winks*)

CashBailey said...

Good luck with the job hunting, Andre.

Just this week I left one of the two jobs I was working. The money was good but I was just exhausted and in bad health from constantly working 15-18 hour days.

Now I'm poor, but much happier.

William Malmborg said...

I love this post. I've been trying to find some part time work too lately and can't believe the lack of progress.

I think of those listed my favorite is the book editor position. Got love In the Mouth of Madness. In fact, I may watch it tonight because of this post.

AbbyNormal said...

Why do I feel like an idiot for not knowing some of these? I should really learn not to read horror blogs when Im sleep deprived:)
Awesome entry as always.

Film Gurl said...

Very entertaining list, thanks for sharing and best of luck with the job search! :)