Fucking Spiders: My Top 10 Worst Spider Scenes

I think I talk too much about my intense fear of sharks and vomit, that I often forget to mention how much I hate spiders. This fear isn't as radical or serious as my sharks one, but it draws similarities. You may remember how I decided that I hate sharks on film more than anything? Well it is quite the opposite when dealing with spiders. I can watch spiders in movies (I don't LIKE it but I can do it) but if ever I see a really big spider in my actual real world life, I will die a little on the inside. This means that I greatly detest anyone who has a pet tarantula in their homes. I have never come across such a person, but just know that I hate you. Well okay fine I don't hate you....I just....well.....our friendship could be greatly soured because of it alright? Just the thought that my next door neighbor could have one and that I would never know and that one day maybe just maybe, it could get loose............................................sorry about the really long ellipsis, I was just contemplating how awful and upsetting that would be.

To clarify, I really am talking only about tarantulas in this instance. I can't even spell or look at that word without getting a serious case of the willies! So much to my dismay, I've decided to make a list of what I would deem the top 10 worst spider scenes in cinematic history. From order of least extensive heart failure to most, here is that list.

Note that this post is scary spider picture free so as not to alarm those of you who detest spiders as much as I do. I have however included videos for the braver folks.

# 10 The Hills Have Eyes

If that whole hill billy clan in the desert thing wasn't enough to make me stay far away from Nevada or any place where there IS a desert---then the presence of tarantulas entirely sealed the deal. Honestly, I never EVER want to go to a place that boasts tarantulas just walking around on their own. Fuck that. The last thing I want to see when getting inside my Winnebago is a stupid tarantula crawling on my clothes. The only good thing about this scene is that the tarantula dies.

Spider alert at 6:07

#9 The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

When I watched Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets I was pleased to find that the Acromantula scene wasn't as terrifying as I had assumed it would be. The spiders while big, weren't as scary and as tarantula looking as I had pictured in my mind. So when settling in for the final installment of Lord of the Rings, and after being alerted by those around me of the impending situation of a giant spider--I felt okay about it. Why I decided to make that conclusion based on Harry Potter is beyond me. Needless to say, when Shelob made her entrance, I was not thrilled. Here was a gigantic and entirely realistic looking spider in my face and it was huge. I did not appreciate that, no not at all.

#8 The Craft

The story about The Craft is that while staying at my friends house one night, the babysitter let us watch The Craft. Aside from the fact that we would soon name it as our favorite movie and think that we were witches---there is one unfortunate moment, when Sarah's house is filled with bugs that the presence of a few very large spiders are seen. At this period in my life I was still very afraid to even look at spiders on film. Thanks to the no warning message I got, I was taken off guard and forced to look at them. I still have problems watching this scene because of it.

Bugs start around 8:50

#7 The Serpent and the Rainbow

This scene where Bill Pullman is given the paralyzing drug and then boarded up in a coffin is already filled with trauma. This is because I think it's pretty rare these days to find someone who is not afraid of being buried alive. This scene however is multiplied two fold by the idea that a tarantula is also dumped on top of Bill Pullman. Keep in mind that he can't move a muscle but is entirely conscious of what is happening around him. I can't even fathom being unable to move or react and getting a spider dumped on me. Really, really mean joke voodoo priest man.

Spider Alert 0:25

#6 Spider Baby

As it so happens, I for some reason figured in my mind that the title Spider Baby was less about the actual presence of spiders and more about the cruel nature of Virginia. I was partially right, because although that is mostly what the film is about--there is still the presence of two very big and ugly tarantulas. I saw it coming of course because Virginia was always talking about two animals and how she wanted to feed things to them. Oh and it IS called Spider Baby. Still in my head I brushed it aside and allowed myself to enjoy the film. Then out of a desk and after what seemed to take hours, two big and horrid black and orange (the WORST kind of tarantula) emerged and began slowly making their way to our bound hero. So very uncool.

Spider Alert 8:30

#5 Home Alone

Yes, yes everyone loves Home Alone and all of its Macaulay Culkin glory but as a small child--I kind of despised it. This is because of Buzz's pet tarantula. This is ranked a bit higher on the list because it does a few things that really sends home the message of what I hate about tarantulas. For one, Buzz has one as a pet. And for two it gets loose. Three---it crawls around and comes out unexpectedly and can be used to put on people's faces. I don't care if Marv deserved to have a spider on his face. No one deserves to have a spider on their face. And I really hate people--like KEVIN who just pick up tarantulas like it's no big deal. It's a big deal. Funnily enough I still kind of get nervous watching this because I always forget the random moments where the spider just walks across the floor---like when Kevin puts on the after shave....grrrrrrr.

#4 The Beyond

As luck would have it, I watched The Beyond the day after I had watched Something Wicked This Way Comes (which is coming up don't worry) and as you can imagine my eyes rolled into the back of my head. I really can't deal with TWO movies that contain scenes in which spiders are everywhere. EVERYWHERE. The Beyond scene is especially difficult to watch because thanks to my nemesis Lucio Fulci, we are forced to watch spiders painfully and slowly eat a man. Yes. Eat a man. This moment loses points because the spiders are extremely fake looking, especially with the close ups. I think I saw a stick one time.

Spider Alert 1:37

#3 Arachnophobia

In reality this whole movie should be on the list and taking up every single spot. When I was little and possibly up until a few years ago, Arachnophobia was on my list of movies that I couldn't watch. That list now only contains JAWS. I once tried watching the beginning with my cousin, and spent the entire opening sequence screaming my head off. Luckily since then I've watched it all the way through and realized what a comedic masterpiece it was. This doesn't mean I don't find the majority of the spider sequences utterly terrifying, but now I can appreciate it and at least kind of enjoy myself.

In terms of which scene wins the spot....it's a bit of a tough call. They all kind of rank equally for me but the one that always stands out is the beginning when the scientists squirt the stunning smoke, and all the bugs rain down. The deep and dull thud that we hear off to the side will always to this day give me the willies. I used to read the Guinness Book of World Records every year until one year when they decided to include a picture of the biggest spider in the world, a bird eating spider whose leg span was 11 inches. Yes. Fuck that. The spider in this movie, the big one at the end, happens to be one of those spiders and I fucking hate it. This beginning scene and the one at the end are definitely something to swear about. A close second is when all the drones take over the house as it makes me itchy and I cry.

#2 Something Wicked This Way Comes

I told you it was coming. Honestly, for a movie primarily geared towards children....what the hell. Spiders happen to be one of those things that the majority of children fear so I was shocked beyond belief that this scene exists. The sheer number of tarantulas in this is ridiculous. And they are everywhere. Think of that scene in The Craft where bugs literally pour out of every hole imaginable and snakes are packed tightly against glass--and then picture it all with spiders. Some extreme moments of terror include when our main character steps on a tarantula and when a tarantula is wrapped around the door knob. After watching this I couldn't stop picturing what it would feel like to step on a tarantula and to this day I get goosebumps thinking about it. This scene is one giant dose of trauma, and I implore anyone who is afraid of spiders to avoid it at all costs. By the way there were 200 live tarantulas used in this scene. Yeah.

There is no video of this. Consider yourself lucky.

#1 Raiders of the Lost Ark

In a music in movies class I took in high school, my teacher related to us a moment of brilliance in Raiders of the Lost Ark. In the beginning, Indiana Jones is in some kind of cave and a spider crawls across his back while strings accentuate the many legs and recreate a crawling sensation. As a fan of Indiana Jones growing up, I couldn't figure out why I did not remember the scene she was talking about. I thought for a moment it was because the spider was so small that I simply missed it. When I went back to watch that scene years later the reason why I didn't remember it became very clear. I had completely blocked that scene from my memory forever. I really could not understand why my teacher never thought to mention that it wasn't A spider that was crawling across his back....it was 500 fucking tarantulas, stuck to his back like a fancy coat.

This scene makes me lose consciousness for a few reasons. To begin with, I can never figure out how that many tarantulas ended up on both of their backs. They did walk through a giant web but since when are tarantulas living in caves and spinning webs that house 500 tarantulas? Clearly the answer is not important, as I'm sure they are utilized just for the purpose of freaking people out. But still....their existence baffles me and makes me feel uneasy. Secondly, the spiders on Indy's back are terrifying, but when the other guy turns around and seems to have twice the amount that he did......oh my god. Pulling this stunt one time is mean enough, but again? AGAIN STEVEN SPIELBERG? Honestly. This man has set a course to ruin my life with his damn movies.

Again, you are lucky.

So that about does it. I think one of the most disheartening things about these moments is that real spiders are almost always used. Apparently most actor's don't have a problem being bathed in tarantulas. I always think back to shows like America's Next Top Model (Cycle 3!) or Fear Factor, where one of the challenges has to do with tarantulas. I'm sad to report that had I been a contestant on a show where tarantulas were involved I would back out immediately. And my partner would kill me. But honestly. There is nothing in the world that would entice me to get in a box and have that box filled with tarantulas. Nothing. Except maybe 3 billion dollars.... or sex with Daniel Craig.

Alone in the Dark: Bad Donald

There are a lot of movies about the dark. This is probably because the dark can sometimes be very scary. Yes, in fact I'm positive that is why there are so many horror movies about the dark. In any case, with the ever growing presence of horror movies about the dark with the word "dark" in the title, a person can get easily confused. I for instance thought the movie I was watching was called Don't Be Afraid of the Dark, or maybe I thought it was Don't Go in the Basement, OR something else. But that's neither here or there. So anyways I read about Alone in the Dark and put it on my list of semi-rare movies from the 70s and 80s that I should probably see. I would also be lying if I told you that I didn't think Donald Sutherland was in this. This made me very excited because I like to think that every movie with Donald Sutherland in it, makes me a little bit happier on the inside.

And for real, how can one person not get a little bit happier when they see The Donald?

My thoughts exactly.

So yes, there I was all pumped and excited for The Donald and then.....

Mmmmmhmmmm. Donald fail.

Not that Donald Pleasence isn't a wonderful human being, but I'm used to THE Donald.

So where was I? Oh yes. After being disappointed, I sat back to watch a movie that seems to have influenced one of my favorite movies of all time. During a blackout, 3 patients on the third floor of a mental institution escape and kill people. Well, I guess that's pretty loose. 3 People with a grudge against the new doctor who believe he killed the old doctor, escape from the mental institution during the black out and hunt down the man and his family. Better? The mental institution retains the gentlemen on the third floor with the use of electricity. All doors and bars on the windows are controlled only by electricity. See the resemblance yet? No? Okay. So during a storm/ blackout the power goes out allowing what is behind the bars or fence to escape..................just like........

Jurassic Park. Genius.

The film as a whole is pretty effective in the creep department. Apparently this is deemed a slasher movie although for some reason I don't quite see it like that. I suppose it would be in the vein of the slasher movies that draw inspiration from Halloween--where we know the identity of the killer and additionally that we know the killer has some sort of mental illness. This goes above and beyond that by having there not be just one killer but three (well, four I guess...) These men are so dangerous and disturbed that they immediately start killing people as soon as they are released from their floor.

Unfortunately, this film also had me all stirred up and angry due to how these highly dangerous men on the third floor are labeled as insane and violent when their definitive illnesses do not correspond to their violent nature. In case you do not know by now, I work in the mental illness field. Movies like this follow a trend where mental illness was immediately met with negativity in the form of "highly dangerous". As it so happens there is a wide range of mental illnesses of which a small amount fall under the highly dangerous category that these men are put under. Child molester's while being very disturbing, would probably not seize a man and break his back upon suddenly realizing that he could escape.

Just saying. As it so happens this movie gave me great inspiration for an article I am in the process of writing so thank you, Alone in the Dark.

Aside from all my angsty feelings, I found the film to have its moments. I will say that it was incredibly slow starting off. Almost to the point where I contemplated reading a book until the action got started. I don't think anything noteworthy actually happened until....oooh....40 minutes? That's a long time especially for a film put under the Slasher category.

Once the blackout officially started however, things got underway. Starting with the biggest sale of the year---the Blackout Sale.

Because as most of us know the perfect day to buy that hutch that you've had your eye on, is during a blackout.

After this there was a fairly effective murder scene involving a man wearing a hockey mask, and a little gardening hand rake thing. It was pretty gross. Then, we get our 3 killers taunting a man on a bicycle for no reason, and the fat child molester "babysitting" the doctor's daughter. This made for a very creepy and uncomfortable moment. Fear not, apparently all he did was teach her how to make origami. I'm not sure if that is suppose to mean something else or whatever, but I find it odd that he is represented as innocent in that situation. Later the little girl is just found taking a nap, which doesn't make sense when given the fat child molester's past and his habit of breaking people's backs and throwing people across lawns.

Well anyways, there are a few decent kills, and then the whole family is holed up in the house once they realize that all three men are outside and trying to kill them. Windows and doors are boarded up ala Night of the Living Dead, and the 3 men force their way inside anyways. There is one big reveal at the end that is very disturbing and pretty well done I should add. It made me a little sick. Oh and there's an extremely effective jump-ish type scare that I'm sure is on more than one persons trauma list...

Word is Tom Savini was called in specifically to create this horrid beast that pops up.

One thing I do wish now that I'm thinking of it, is that the whole idea of the doctor's sister and her clouded past with her getting "sick" again is never fleshed out. She's come to visit them following a successful treatment of a mental breakdown but seeing this creature suggests much more darker things than a mental breakdown that was "easily treated". In fact I would say that overall, there is very little detail concerning plot at all. The whole jumping off point for the three men in their plan to kill the new doctor is because Frank decides it one night and says out loud to the others that "He killed Dr. Merton so now we must kill him". And that's that. That is how the entire plot gets going from that one simple statement alone. There's not much to it. Obviously one can make the case that an individual with mental illness lacks very little reasoning to begin with but still...for the story's sake I feel like that whole motivation could have been fleshed out a bit better.

There's a whole slew of stuff like that--the mother's nonchalant way of brushing off the fact that a dangerous child molester was with their daughter but that she's ok. And what's more the babysitter and her car is missing and no one really seems to be worried about it. Also, if you're not paying attention during the beginning and debating whether or not you should open your book--you could in fact miss the introduction of a fourth and very important character. Not that that wasn't my fault but I felt like he maybe should have been brought up more than that one time. Or maybe he was and I was just too bored to really notice it.

I will say that the nightmare in the opening sequence was amazing. It made me extremely excited for the film but unfortunately my high was brought back down until things started to heat up again 40 minutes later. Oh well.

Oh and I almost forgot. This has got to be the greatest band that ever lived. Look at their dedication! Meat cleavers made out of tin foil and cardboard, plus look at how much fun all of them are having.

Where can I get tickets? Note that this is a real band and I'm serious.

By the way, we can't forget this surprise cameo by....

The scary granny from 2001 Maniacs !!! Who actually is responsible for a very hysterical scene.

Overall I'm a little disappointed with this. Things got interesting off and on but for the most part kind of a snoozer with a lot of things that don't make sense. I'd have to give it another viewing before writing it off my list for good, but in the meantime, I'm moving on.

Oh and feel free to correct me and my 80s knowledge wrong, but if there is a blackout--why do all the phones still work?

Here is that random taunting of the biker scene which you should probably watch because it is quite hysterical.

The Fashion Digest: Poltergeist Editon!

Well friends, this is sadly the end of Poltergeist month. Hopefully you've enjoyed my craziness, my creativity (?) and my dedication to one of my very favorite films. If you missed any posts here is a comprehensive list of all the joy.

Poltergeist Scandals: What the TV People Were Really After.

How to Use Eccentric Poltergeist Quotes in Everyday Life

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Work: a Letter to the Community from Mr. Jenkins.

Poltergeist Plot Holes.

My Greatest Wish

Bonus post! What I Learned From Craig T Nelson

and now......

Rejoice because Emmy Doomas is back for another edition of the Fashion Digest! This time we take a good look at the often atrocious styles and fashions of the Freeling family and try to update their looks to a more modern alternative. Read on to find out who wears short shorts, and whose look is surprisingly making a big comeback today---despite its ugliness.

First, a few words from Emmy:

Poltergeist always fascinated me as a child. It was probably the scariest movie I would let myself watch until I got into this weird Exorcist phase. For some reason I enjoyed watching Regan spit up pea soup every year for my birthday, but that’s neither here or there. I always loved showing my wussy friends the part in Poltergeists where the guy rips his face off in bloody chunks in the bathroom. Maggots….a great way to win friends since 1983! But in all seriousness, Poltergeist now exists for me as a depository for really horrible 80s fashion, which as I am Emmy Doomas of Fashion Digest extraordinaire, need to fix! So here we go!

Sweaters by Diane

Oh Diane, Diane. Despite how much I love this scene and how it typically brings me to tears--I can never get past the notion that Diane's sweater looks like chewed up bubblegum or perhaps a terribly crocheted sweater that Carol Anne may have done in Nursery school. That isn't to say I don't also love her ridiculously high pants and beautiful maroon button up but hey it was the 80s. At least she makes up for it by being hot?

Ohh Diane. I think the last time I watched this movie with Andre I said, “I hope I’m a hot mom like Diane after I push out three kids”. She’s a pretty hot ticket, with a pretty hot wardrobe! I love how they live in California where one minute she’s in short shorts and the next in a long sleeve with a sweater tied around her neck. Must be all those ghosts in the house or something that causes the temp to plummet to sweater weather. Is it just me or does that sweater remind you of those make your own pot holder sets your grandma would always give you for Xmas?? Terrifying!

If Diane’s neck is so cold, I would suggest a fun high neck sweater, like this bad boy from Gap. Appropriately named a funnel cardigan, this will keep you super toasty, and eliminates any need for a scarf or ugly potholder thingy around your neck. I’m not even going to go into those high waist pants! Bad Diane, bad!

Plaid by Dana

Dana is a strange kind of character. She is rarely seen without shoving food in her mouth, yet she comes back from dates littered with hickies AND she talks on the phone all night. She's also mean to her brother and does her homework at the breakfast table. How she concentrates on math homework while shoving down 5 waffles is beyond me. Oh and I almost forgot, she has a wide knowledge of offensive hand gestures.

If Diane symbolizes the hot mom to me, then Dana symbolizes the most awkward phased teenager of all time! She’s probably the most annoying older sister I’ve ever encountered, and has probably some of the weirdest outfits I’ve ever seen on someone who’s supposed to be in high school. In this case, I hope this is truly her private school uniform, or else she’s shopping out of grandma’s closet from the looks of this pink button down and ankle length plaid skirt! I know riding a bike in a mini would be pretty grotesque, but how about a skort or something? Anyways, going along the lines of long plaid skirts, the kids at Ralph Lauren always do plaid right. If you want to go long; go pencil skirt. It should be tailored and fitted, and worn with fun high boots. Ditch the button down and go for either a contrasting turtleneck, as seen here, or perhaps a scoop neck T.

While were on the subject of Dana, her hair at the conclusion of the film always bothered me. She goes to spend the night at Lisa’s, and comes back with hickies and probably the most ridiculous aerobics high pony tail braid concoction I have ever seen. I mean I know her house was imploding, but seriously her hair style was much more terrifying.

Ropes with Diane

Hah. I love this look. It's clearly the obvious choice for the big crossover to the other side. I'm not sure why they chose this outfit at all actually. Diane clearly wore it to impress Tangina, perhaps not knowing that she would also be journeying to the other side of the closet. Maybe she would have chosen something less billowy, if she had known that those closets can get very windy. In other news I think I saw Kourtney Kardashian wearing this same outfit the other day.

Ugly romper, jump suit, parachute pants thing? They're here... Again.

Here’s hoping they put Diane in this outfit just because it was easiest to tie a rope around her waist (so she could go to the other side) if she already had one to begin with! The 80s were notorious for the jumpsuit; the adult version of the one-sie! While I would like to say I have a better update to this look, the terrifying thing is that jumpsuits are back! Look at these updated looks from the runways.

Well certainly not as billowy or nautical as Diane’s look, these still seem a little silly to me. How does one pee in this? You basically have to strip down almost completely to take a tinkle? So wrong. I do like the plunging necklines, and sleeveless aspect to them, though the middle one looks like a full body windbreaker to me!

Short Shorts By Diane

This is Diane's cleaning up the house look and I must say it is.....AWESOME. I don't really have much to say except that shorts and I don't get along and I really wish we could change that but somethings just aren't meant to be. Love the sneaks though.

Oooo athletic Diane! I wonder how old Diane is supposed to be in this movie? I would think anyone over 35 would not wear short shorts anymore, but hey this was the 80s, where even my Dad was sporting thigh highs without qualms. I love her Nikes too, vintage to me 20+ years later, but I get so nostalgic for the original Nike swoop before that whole Air Jordan crapola. But if we’re talking about updating old looks, I would say all signs point to a romper! While yes, a romper is a jumpsuit, just with shorts instead of pants, for some reason I love them. I think this is the only acceptable reason to have a tight top and short shorts—if it’s all one piece! This one from Forever 21 looks mighty cozy.

It’s terrycloth and I really don’t think there could be anything better than an outfit made out of your favorite towel! I wish this was a print though, as I’m getting a little AC Slater Captain of Bayside Wrestling vibe, but beggars can’t be choosers right?