Sunday, July 17, 2011

Poltergeist II: When Braces Attack

I'll be straight with you. Poltergeist II stinks. Obviously it pains me to say that as the one of the worlds biggest Poltergeist fanatics but what can one do? Lie? Should I tell you that actually, Poltergeist II contains some of the best writing and acting that I've ever seen in my whole life? That it contains some of the greatest and most convincing special effects known to mankind? That there are no plot holes? That everything makes clear and perfect sense? Of course I can't lie to you! Poltergeist II is horrible. So horrible, that I played Family Feud on my Iphone while watching it.

The Poltergeist II disk I received from Netflix did not play in my laptop (surprise, surprise) so I was forced to watch it on the big electronic box in the living room. I admit, using a DVD player was strange at first but then I remembered how to use it after only a few minutes. It's just like riding a bike! The one major downside of this was that I could not take screenshots, which means that this post will not be as nearly as funny as it should be. And that makes me sad.

Picking up a year from where the first film ended, Poltergeist II again follows the Freeling family as they try to move on with their lives. Apparently, having a near death experience with some spirits, and almost crossing over, yields some very unexpected side effects. For example, people's latent psychic powers suddenly come to be realized. People also age rather quickly over the course of a year. Also in only a years time, every one somehow managed to receive the worst haircut of their life.

Shit is crazy! Anyways, guess what? The spirits are baaack. And so is the human form of the beast himself, Reverend Kane. So yeah, blah blah blah bad spirits, blah blah braces attack, blah tequila worm, blah blah saved by the Grandma?

There's really no way of getting around the fact that the only reason you should be watching Poltergeist II is to experience the obscenely grotesque Reverend Kane.

This guy is terrifying. So terrifying, that he will make you literally pull your face away from the screen. I swear, if you get close enough, you can even smell his denture/old person breath. It also doesn't help things that he talks like some fancy old lady, and looks like a skeleton. He's always creeping around and singing gross Jesus songs and wearing that horribly creepy outfit that reminds me of Colonel Sanders. He peers at you through the screen door and shouts at you when you won't let him in. He is the stuff that nightmares are made of.

Other than Reverend Kane, Poltergeist II is not scary in the slightest. Sure, a few skeletons pop out here and there, and a doll does a creepy thing where she turns her head slowly but that's about it. Everything else? Laughable. Also, none of this movie makes any sense. Things just come flying at you without any warning or logic. Like for example, why are Carol Anne and Robbie still sleeping in the same bedroom? How is it that Robbie manages to himself into the most ridiculous situations ever?

Isn't Carol Anne a little old looking for intimate bathtub time? And P.S., what happened at the end there? No seriously, what WAS that? I think I passed out briefly during it but from what I remember, people were floating and Carol Anne floated slowly away.....then she came back. Is that really all the 'otherside' looks like? If it is, I want my money and my hopes and dreams back.

Anyways, it's really hot outside and the more I think about Poltergeist II the more upset I get. I need an ice bath.


Mikey Sarago said...

Poltergeist II is pretty poopy indeed, although I agree about Reverend Kane — even the part about him being smelly!!!

I still don't quite understand how that braces part makes any sense. I remember an old friend of mine had to get braces when she was in high school and she was seriously terrified that her braces were gonna attack her while she slept. So I guess the movie worked for some people, lol.

lrobhubbard said...

Fred Phelps is a dead ringer for Reverand Kane.

Thomas Duke said...

NOOOO! I'd figure you of all people would find stuff to like about POLTERGEIST II. Oh well. I like it despite it's faults, and I think the biggest problem is how much it was cut down. It was cut by 40 minutes (!), and the ending suffers, and also it comes across as "one thing after another" instead of properly building.

Yeah, the braces stuff is pretty WTF, but it did creep me out as a kid for some reason. To me, the biggest crime is indeed the hair of Craig T and JoBeth. Inexcusable.

Gary said...

I enjoyed it then and enjoy it now. I agree about the brace thing but Reverend Kane is certainly as creepy as it gets. The humor added was done well as it gave the viewer a remembrance this is all for fun. The tragedy is part III.

Ted's Reviews said...

The original Poltergeist is my favorite movie of all time and I find Poltergeist II to be a lot of fun for what it is.
Poltergeist: 5/5
Poltergeist II: 4/5

ChillieWillie114 said...

First off,I'm a big Poltergeist fan and I have to admit,many things that used to creep me out about the original movie and its sequels don't spook me out anymore. I do have to say that the original 1982 movie did have one lasting impression on me. Still,to this day,and I'm 37 now,I don't ever look for something that I think might be under my bed from up on top because of the clown attacking Robbie scene at the end.I also agree that that kid seems to get himself into the worst possible binds in both the 1982 original and 1986 sequel, from trees trying to eat him and a clown doll trying to choke him to death in 1982 to braces coming alive and trying to electrocute him in 1986,that kid's really put through the ringer,much more than his older sister in the original or even Carol Anne in the trilogy as a whole.I also didn't notice it at first,but now I do notice that both Steve and Diane (JoBeth and Craig T.),suddenly got mullets (Steven),and the typical puffy-hair of the mid-1980's (Diane),when in 1982 Diane had straight hair. I was like,really? Also I agree about the sudden emergence of the whole psychic lineage thing to be like WTF? Where did that Gramma Jess being psychic and passing it down to Diane and Carol Anne come from? Seriously?