Monday, March 15, 2010

Way to Go Moments in Horror History: John Hammond

If Dennis Nedry was the immediate cause of the end of Jurassic Park and also many people's lives--then John Hammond is THE cause. First off let's just get it off of our chests...DON'T BRING DINOSAURS BACK! They were most likely killed by Jesus for a reason, to make room for better and cooler things like Mastodon's
Saber-toothed Tigers
And OK, if you're really dead set on this whole bringing dinos back shindig- at least start off small with the plant eaters! No need to involve the T-rex or Velociraptors just yet my friend. And while we're on the subject- how the HELL did your uber smart scientist's overlook the fact that frogs have been known to spontaneously change gender?? That's kind of a big deal if you know what I mean. Get some better scientists, preferably ones that don't involve B.D. Wong from Law & Order SVU.
Next up, the park is brand new. I am willing to bet those Jurassic Park Ford Explorers had only maybe made one trip around the track. So who do you bring to be the first ever people to experience it? Your grandchildren of course! Thank goodness there are still smart old men like you around John. Excuse me for saying this, but your park seems a little shoddy if Dennis Nedry is capable of shutting the place down with one crummy Cheetos finger. Also, It's not like this island is diaster proof. It's a tropical island, and it's not exactly impervious to storms. So why God, why would you use your grandchildren as test subjects? That's practically as bad as Andre Delambre using the family cat to test his teleportation device!

Remember when you had that special moment with Ellie while you were eating some pie or ice cream or something and you told her about your flea circus? The flea circus inspired you to create the feelings of wonder and awe in your patrons? Well once again you have a major, major, problem with going from point A to point Z. You skipped a few steps there. An intelligent move would perhaps be flea circus, then perhaps oh I don't amusement park? And then maybe MAYBE an amusement park with dinosaurs. But like I said, best to keep dinosaurs extinct. Listen to Jeff Goldblum, realize that you can't cheat nature- and just frickin keep your grandchildren out of it. You're old and you may still be cute (in a Miracle on 34th Street Kris Kringle way) but you are no genius John Hammond. I do enjoy your hat though.

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