Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Welcome to The Bad Pet Owners Club

Last night I had a bit of a meltdown. In the midst of writing my review for Cat People, my cat, Monkey, got sick! I'll spare you the details but my night consisted of cat diarrhea and projectile cat spit vomit in my room. I guess I didn't really spare any details there but hey this is real life so get used to it. Anyways, I was distraught for most of the night, and after being convinced that Monkey hid under my roommate's bed so that she could die, I started preparing myself for the worst. Luckily she only had a 24 hour bug. This morning she was back to her old Monkey self and causing the usual mayhem that only 7:00 AM can bring.

So this got me thinking today about how I and many others I know, would do ANYTHING for their pets. I'm talking...throw myself in front of a bus if my cat was going to run in the middle of the road, or take my own life if it meant having to decide between saving the world or killing my cat. OK that last one was a little extreme- but I honestly don't think I could ever deal with the guilt associated with killing an animal, let alone my own cat who I consider to be my baby. I have a hard enough time saying goodbye to her every morning when I leave to go to work- don't even joke about having to sacrifice my cat in order to appease a goat demon. So without further ado, I now bring you the worst of the worst of pet owners in horror movies. These people are scum. These people are scummier than scum. And I really really hate them.

Andre Delambre

Sorry Phillipe you can't play with the family cat because your brilliant father decided the family cat would be the perfect test subject for his shoddy teleportation device. He could have at least used a monkey or some lab animal that no one would miss (just kidding PETA monkey's rock!) like Jeff Goldblum--but no no, you're right...using the family pet is much much more sensible. Well we're on the subject of Jeff Goldblum- yes it was pretty awful seeing that monkey pulverized to flesh soup, but The Delambre family cat got pulverized into nothing!
He's just floating around somewhere in the air existing in a million little pieces. It's worse than death! It's like cat limbo! Worst scientific decision in history...until the Jurassic Park scientists used frog DNA to fill in the gaps of course.

The Carter Family

I always used to yell at my Dad when he let our family dogs off their leashes during their walks through the woods. Dogs are precious beings that don't always have the best judgement. Sure most are OK off their leash but if you're in the middle of nowhere-surrounded by massive canyons and deserts and unknown...mountain people then DON'T LET THEM GO OFF ON THEIR OWN! Poor Belle- brutally massacred by that vicious hills clan! A death that could have surely been avoided had they just kept those damn dogs on their leashes.

Ginger Fitzgerald's Neighbor (thanks The Dreaded Rhubarb!)

I don't really care if you got your period and suddenly have werewolf instincts to eat helpless animals. Nor do I care if your neighbor's yippy dog barks too much- that is NO and I repeat NO reason to eat the dog! If I was changing into a werewolf- and could feel the evil pulsating inside my veins you can bet your bottom dollar that I would haul ass out the nearest window a la Father Damien Karras before I snacked on a poor helpless pet. As the Dreaded Rhubarb points out, Ginger eats her neighbor's dog, so in all actuality, her neighbor is the bad pet owner. Who lets their dog outside when there is a string of violent dog murders engulfing the town?!

The Hess Family

Well there are a few things wrong with this family's pet owning skills. For one, when they fear for their safety, they hold up sharp instruments to stab their dogs. Also when the Aliens finally decide to land- they keep the dog that's still alive outside. Because you know outside dogs have to stay outside! A lot of people seem to forget about this part of the movie- but how can you block out that poor helpless dog whimper? The dog whimper may be one of the saddest noises known to mankind. Those bastards couldn't let the family dog inside for a few lousy hours?!


Since Stephen Dorff's character is too cool for a last name I'll just have to call him Glen. Glen and his sister have a really old shaggy dog named Angus. Glen is also best friends with a real lose cannon named Terry.
Due to Glen's bad judgment of friends, he allows Terry to sleepover. Terry then has a vision of his dead mother and hugs Angus thinking it's his mum. Of course he then proceeds to squeeze Angus a little too tight and Angus dies! Then to make matters worse- they bury Angus in a pit of hell. Good moves all around guys. Next time- keep the loose cannons away from the fragile, old pets thanks.

Christine Brown

The worst of the worst- Christine is the prime example of a bad pet owner. Some cracked out psychic tells you that the only way to rid yourself of the evil curse/ goat demon is to sacrifice an animal and you choose your cute, helpless kitten?! It's like my good friend Sirius Black would say,
"I WOULD HAVE DIED! I WOULD HAVE DIED RATHER THAN BETRAY MY FRIENDS!" but no no, she decides to put herself before the kitten and slaughter it. And to make matters worse- this doesn't even lift the curse. Way to kill a kitten for no reason at all. Woman, I am so glad you got dragged to hell.


Highly Caffeinated said...

And don't forget Anton Tobias, from Idle Hands, when searching his house, terrified, pushes his dog into harms way first.

The Vicar of VHS said...

Good list! Horror history is indeed littered with people who shouldn't be allowed to own pets. ;)

I forget the character's name, but one of the main guys in CHUD II: BUD THE CHUD punts a defenseless poodle down the stairs in a slapstick animal-cruelty scene. :)

Anonymous said...

I have two cats of my own and I couldn't even watch the part in Pet Sematary where Louis finds his cat dead. They live by a highway that trucks are always roaring down and they let their cat outside? Good job, Creeds.

I'm glad your cat is okay. It's always so scary when they're sick.

Andre said...

I have not seen Idle Hands or CHUD 2 but those sound like huge HUGE offenders!

Larissa- Good call on Pet Sematary! If I hadn't brought it up in every single animal post I've done I would have used it. Hah I looove that movie. But yes I have never been a promoter of letting cats roam free- especially on such a truck infested road. Those bastards.

Rhubarb said...

Ginger doesn't actually eat her own dog, it belongs to a neighbour. Who must be a pretty lousy owner, a string of animal maulings in the neighbourhood and you still keep the dog out? Plus that guy she infects says he's eaten his dog.

I apologize for my unwarranted pedantry. To make up for it, I nominate Paquita in Braindead/Dead Alive. If you're visiting your boyfriend to tell him dark forces are massing against him leave Fernando at home. You can yell "Your mother ate my dog!" all you like but he'll still be a strip of gory fur and some memories.

Andre Dumas said...

Hmmm nuts! For some reason I always thought it was their dog that she ate whoops! Thanks Dreaded Rhubarb--if I had more energy I would figure out their neighbors name and switch it but my head hurts so it will have to wait I suppose.

Good trade off thought!

Chris H said...

haha, how did I miss this?
poor little Monkey.
: (

excellent list, fellow cat worshipper!