Thursday, September 23, 2010

Guide to a Safe Cross Country Road Trip

Well, the sad and happy news in my life is that my other sister Liz and my brother in law Simon, are packing up the car, taking a cross country road trip and moving to San Francisco! Emmy Doomas and I will be sad, but I felt that despite my sadness I could at least offer up some safe road trip advice. Namely, a guide of destinations to avoid at all costs. We all know that horror movies are always true despite being works of fiction, so in honor of this impending road trip here is a list of places that you should always avoid while taking a cross country road trip.

Anywhere in Maine

Since half of all horror movies are originally penned by Stephen King, and since Stephen King hails from Maine this means that approximately 85% of all scary things that happen in this world happen in Maine. Don't worry, I double checked my math twice. Since these places in Maine are often times fictional or because I don't feel like looking up exactly where, it's just easier if you stay away from Maine entirely. Luckily for Liz I don't think they will be making any pit stops directly opposite of where they want to go so she should be safe. But for all you other people, steer clear from Maine and especially places called Salem's Lot,

or, places where an unusually thick mist tends to spring up.

Old New England Towns

Since we are from New England, Liz and Simon will most likely not be stopping somewhere so close to home but on the off chance that they do--they should clearly stay away from the fictional town of Dunwich. You may have notice that because Dunwich is fictional that it also probably doesn't exist. This is a lie because we all know that fact often hides beneath fiction in the trickiest of ways. Just like staying far away from all parts of Maine, you should also, just to be safe, stay away from any old New England town where a priest may have hung himself and opened the gates of hell.

You never know.

West Virginia

West Virginia is a terrible kind of place. No offense to anyone who lives there (or any buddies of mine from there) but I heard a rumor that there are sometimes inbred mutants living in the backwoods. My friend Eliza Dushku confirms this as she tells me that she narrowly escaped with her life, while her friends were brutally killed and probably eaten.

Another reason to stay away from West Virginia is that the Mothman has been rumored to make a few appearances, which occasionally leads to major disasters. See? A terrible kind of place.

Pleasant Valley, Georgia and also just Georgia.

Although the South is a nice place sometimes, there is the occasional problem you could run into to with a town of ghosts that kill people from the North to make up for all the southerners that got killed during the Civil War.

These ghosts will pose as people who like to reenact the Civil War, but don't believe them. Whether you arrive there in the 60s or present day you should be very vigilant when arriving in any town that still believes the Confederacy to be alive. Additionally, while in Georgia do not under any circumstances take a white rapids canoe jaunt on any river. Backwoods hicks live here too, and despite their good banjo playing skills,

they may just want to do really mean things to you, probably involving squealing like a pig. Don't say I didn't warn you.

New Orleans

I know that New Orleans is difficult to avoid because it is such a fun place but it is the birth place of maniac Victor Crowley.

The best way to avoid him and his swampy wrath is to never go on a haunted swamp tour. Just don't do it. Why would you want to go exploring a stinky and gross swamp anyways? Stick to the main roads, and don't go messing with voodoo either. Also, never take a job as a nurse to a mute old man where mirrors are not allowed in the house. Very, very bad idea.


I don't know about you, but rural areas of Texas seem like the worst idea on the planet. One viewing of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre is all you need to keep you far away from there.

Not only are there maniac, chainsaw wielding cannibalistic families in Texas, but also just maniac families in general and sometimes Dr. Satan.

Honestly, just stick to big crowds.


One word--tornadoes. Naturally tornadoes are a threat almost anywhere in the middle of the country but since I only associate tornadoes with Kansas, then it makes sense that you should stay away from Kansas. Just because Dorothy got lucky and was transported to OZ on her tornado, doesn't mean you will.


I know avoiding all corn fields in Nebraska may be a hard thing to do, but just try. Not only could there be alien crop circles in these corn fields but satanic children who want to sacrifice you to some weird corn god are lurking! Stay far away and especially far away from creepy man children named Isaac.

Snowflake, Arizona

One would think that Roswell New Mexico would be on this list, but since only true things happen in movies, Fire in the Sky takes precedence. According to Travis Walton, aliens abducted him and did scary things involving anal probes and other things that aliens do.

I should also point out that this film was based on a true story or a true account rather of Travis Walton which means a double dosage of do not go here ever in your lifetime. Unless anal probes are your thing, no judgment.


Nevada can be tricky. On the one hand Nevada houses Las Vegas, where the neon lights are bright and prostitutes run amok. On the other could get yourself into a bit of a scrap with the Hills Clan if you are driving through the desert and then get into a car accident.

To be safe, I would avoid Nevada entirely since most of it is desert. Plus you also run the risk of picking up a hitch hiker that looks suspiciously like Nomi Malone.

Mulholland Drive, Los Angeles (SPOILER ALERT)

Weird things happen on Mulholland Drive. One day you could be living your life and then get into a car accident and forget everything.

You'll go on an endless and strange hunt for who or what you are only to find that you are a burnt out, crack pot, lesbian who got her heart broken. Plus a scary man hides behind dumpsters and little old people live in paper bags and cackle at you.

If you find a weird blue key, throw it away! You've come too far on this road trip to have your entire life and trip be a figment of your imagination.

and if you've followed my advice.......

You made it!!

Enjoy the one place that it's safe to go.

The Tanner's house.


Dod said...

Andre, this has to be the best thing I've read in a long time. What a great road trip guide!

Yeah, every time I see mist here in this New England state, my first thought is "ah, crap. Damn Arrowhead Project."

Do a world travel guide next!

Emily said...

Oh man, my brother and his girlfriend just left this morning to go on a month-plus cross-country trip....I'll have to send them this link, and hopefully they'll follow your advice, and return safely...the only couple of places I know they're stopping in for sure are Missouri, and California, so hopefully they'll be safe! ...and of course the Tanner's house is the only safe place to be!! Every problem is 100% sure to be resolved in the land of Danny Tanner!

Andre Dumas said...

Haha thanks Dod! Yeah a world one would be sweet, I keep thinking about being like "If you happen to find yourself in Eastern Europe" and then crap never mind. So that would work out!

Emily that is weird! Hopefully they will steer clear of any hardships as well. If I live in the Tanner's house everything would be solved so easily by a little chat session with Danny T....sigh.

cynniegurl said...

love this blog!!

matango said...

Just make sure they avoid Santa Carla on their way up to San Francisco.

Cinema Du Meep said...

I also want to make this trip for reals.

deadlydolls said...

Ah road trips, so prone to so many disasters. My friends and I took a drive south from NY to Tennessee last year and I was equally prepared with my own list of rules (no hitchhikers, dallying, etc.).

As far as the geography, you've nailed it on the head. I have family that live on a mountain in WEst Virginia, and let me assure you, everything you've seen in Wrong Turn can and does happen. I'll leave it at that.

Also, when I was about 7, my family went on vacation to Nevada and my parents insisted on driving through the big cavey structure from The Hills Have Eyes. I thought it was cool, though my older brother cried.