Friday, January 22, 2010

The Fashion Digest: Horror Faux Pas and How to Fix Them (Women's Dept.)

Well it's time again for a visit from your friendly neighborhood chubby pilgrim, Emmy Doomas. Today I have chosen the topic of Fashion Faux Pas which will be broken down into 2 parts; Woman's Department and Men's Department (just like a mall!) For this edition I've picked out a few character's from our favorite films and put them on the fashion police chopping block. But what good would criticism be if it wasn't constructive? So if you find that you have that same hideous pink sweater hanging in your closet- fear not, Emmy Doomas will come to the rescue and show you the proper way to rock it. And by the way- I realize that most of these choices have largely to do with the era and the "fashion" of that time- but get over it. IT'S THE FASHION DIGEST JUST LET IT LIVE.

Nancy Thompson

Granted Nancy may not have all the time in the world to pick out nice outfits seeing as she's stopped sleeping. But if she was really tired then she'd be waltzing to school in a pair of hideous pajamas or worse- naked. Therefore she was somewhat consciously picking out these outfits and this sweater/ shirt/ pants combo never fails to make me want to yak. I'm going to be honest with you all- I really despise the color pink. There is a time and a place for it(although it's a very small window of time)- and trying to defend yourself against a child molester who kills people in their dreams is most definitely NOT the time or the place.

A Nightmare on Sweater Vest Street

Oh Nancy, what poor bunny had to be killed to make your hideous looking sweater vest? Sweater vests and I have a volatile relationship. I want to like them so bad, but it seriously reminds me of prep school central. Prep is a tricky look to pull off, and poor Nancy here did not pull it off well. The color, fit, and length of this sweater vest is all wrong. Ditch anything pink, short and tight---or else you’ll wind up looking like a marshmallow peep vomited all over you. If you take the sweater vest route, think menswear, menswear, menswear! Keep the fit long and lean and the color neutral. Almost as if went into your much longer and much leaner boyfriend’s closet, and snuggled into one of his comfy vests! Here is a fine example, from the closet of one of my favorite boyfriends- Banana Republic!

Also, do not match your collared undershirt, with the color of the sweater vest (tsk tsk Nancy) I know I said in my previous post that monochrome is in, but in the case of collared shirt + sweater vest, monochrome=devil.

Yet, if you’re like me and see the impracticality of the sweater vest (hello, can we say cold arms!), I would like to point you into a great trend this year, as seen in Jcrew.

The belted cardigan look will keep you comfy and warm, while still oozing prepster chic. And unlike Nancy, you will escape those 9th grade homeroom vibes. (Never mind, the “I haven’t seen a hairbrush in a year vibe).

Julie James

I never noticed that Jennifer Love's Hewitt's character had a porn star name, but seeing as her boobs are ginormous in that little blue tank- it wouldn't surprise me if she was turning tricks on the weekend. Don't even get me started on Sarah Michelle there in the back. She better be going to the gym that's all I have to say. Ryan Phillipe on the other hand mmmmm wife beater, broken arm, muscles....YEAH! The 90s were my hey-day so I can't knock it that much seeing as I used to think I was the shit for rocking a water bra, and a tank top. That same water bra popped when I was trying to sew sequins on it to look like a Pussycat Doll (BEFORE the band started)--old habits die hard.

Death to Baby Doll ANYTHING

Anyone girl who roamed the halls of a public high school in the 90s, most likely subscribed to the Britney Spears House of Style at one point or another. This look, also known as "Oops, my shirt shrunk in the dryer, and looks like I'll have to wear it anyways” was a popular one, and can be blamed for the influx in belly button rings across the nation. Here’s our dear Brit, as seen in her brilliant and under appreciated video for Sometimes. Talk about a useless sweater!

I'm happy to say that the baby doll look has practically faded to embryonic status. Sure, you can still find some baby doll dresses here and there, and they can be a functional statement for girls under 25, on a really hot day. But thankfully cropped, too tight shirts, as supported by JLH here, have gone the way of the do-do. This shirt made for a brilliant Cancun wet t-shirt contest-like scene for JLH, but other than that---huge fashion faux pas! I would like to introduce JLH to a shirt that fits.

Provided you get it in the correct size (cough, cough ixnay the xsmallay), you go from slut to stylish in 2 shirt sizes!

Also, a tip for bigger breasted females who can't let go of V-necks, but don't want their ta-tas on display. Invest in some fun camisoles!
Look! A fun purple! Some creepy, stalker murderer will never lay eyes on your cleavage again!


The People Under the Stairs will always creep me out- and one of the bigger reasons is because the two psychos don't have real names- plus I hate them. I could write a whole post devoted to bad bondage outfits in horror and "Father" would be at the top of that list-BUT this is the woman's department so take your bondage suit elsewhere! Emily doesn't mind this look but I think she doesn't realize the movie takes place in the 90s and not the 60s. Or she is just too obsessed with "Mad Men" you decide.

Florals Don’t Have to Look like Your Mother’s Curtains!

When Andre gave me the pictures of this woman from the movie, “The People Under the Stairs”, I was quick to point out to her that I have a warm place in my heart for 60s inspired floral dresses. Sure, this woman needs to gain about 25 lbs to fill out these dresses, and the necklines would make any Amish woman proud, but she’s half way there!
In my opinion, here’s some lovely ladies from the cast of Mad Men, who do a floral dress right.

Florals should be bright and uplifting, and should have no resemblance to your mother’s living room curtains. They should make you think of the warms days of spring, daffodils, and fresh cut grass! Also, you need to balance the demureness of the dress, with a hot to trot neckline. Florals that can not live up to these standards can only be filed under one of the most horrific fashion faux pas ever to grace this earth: the muumuu!

Here’s a pretty example from Anthropologie:

Bold, lively print? Check! Fetching neckline? Check! Body flattering? Check!

Baby Firefly

The amount of holes Baby actually has in her jeans is ridiculous. I roamed the Internet far and wide and watched every clip possible to try to get a good pic but it was no use. I trust most of you know the situation however so I think it will be OK. But honestly. GET SOME NEW PANTS. I don't care if you are trailer trash- Baby was trailer trash in House of 1000 Corpses and she managed to dress just fine I believe. And let's not forget her Pocahontas garment in the last bit of the movie.
Ugh...yes I believe that deserved to be shot at.

*Don’t Let a Killer Rip Your Jeans----Let Seven for Mankind Do It for You!

Truth be told, I’ve never been into the hole in my jeans look. Back in the day, people used to patch up their jeans with fun little multi-color fabrics. Holes were unacceptable! Now, you can pay for jeans to come with holes, before you even wear them once?! Anarchy! I do get the trend though. Look at me, I’m not trying too hard! I don’t even care if my jeans have holes! Patches? Who needs patches?!!! Well lucky for all you cool people, almost every jeans designer nowadays makes ripped up jeans, also known by the euphemistic term, “distressed”. Now you can buy your way to that, “*A serial killer wielding a knife was chasing me” look! Of course, these are an upgrade from the jeans worn by this woman here. The key with distressed jeans is to minimize the holeage. A few light wear spots on your rear-end, some thoughtfully placed albeit small holes on your legs, and you’ve maxed out your distressed limit. There’s a fine line between distressed and trailer park tragic-ness. Here is a wearable pair from Seven Jeans:

Now I wouldn’t trot these out to the office or anything, but if you want to look really really relaxed in your already relaxed jeans, go the land of distressed!

* Don't mind Emmy Doomas' lack of horror movie knowledge and go with it!


Unknown said...

This post made my day! I loved it.

Bobby Bless said...

question... is the baby firefly look known as the "How to look like a poor hooker" look now?

the jaded viewer said...

Love Hewitt's outfit is perfectly runwayed model when she does that twirl thing and screams "What are you waiting for?!?!?!"

Jayson Kennedy said...

The holes in Baby's jeans are perfect. PERFECT!


Wednesday's Child said...

This is an incredibly original idea for a post. That outfit of Nancy's always bothered me also, but for me it was those awful pants. I was only nine when the movie came out, but I remember 80s fashion well and 1984 was about delightfully tacky, not boring and unflattering!

Anonymous said...

I love this addition to HD! Keep these coming!

Andre Dumas said...

Yes Bobby- although I might go with- how to look like a trailer trash wench- she was kind of prude if you think of it- not even one titty was ever shown!

Thanks for the comments- this is a regular occurrence usually every other friday or so- or whenever Emmy Doomas has free time in her cubicle. Don't forget to read last weeks installment of "Best Dressed Baddies"

Haha thank you Anonymous for referring to this blog as HD- I've been wanting to do that for ages but feared people would get it confused with that pesky reference to sublimely clear television programming. I think I will now use it!

Anonymous said...

I don't care, I love Baby Fireflys jeans. On her they are sexxxxyyy (I think that's what Robs going for) and I'm a chick! If I had a body like hers I might just sport those.