Saturday, January 9, 2010

Friday the 13th: Topless Wakeboarding? Now I've Seen Everything.

Well that settles that--I was just not made to enjoy Friday the 13th. I speak of course not only about this lousy remake, but of the original as well. I guess I've just never been wowed by anything the series has to offer. Jason is boring. I've never really understood where all his hype came from other than the fact that he is iconic when speaking of the slasher genre. His whole story and spiel on why he kills people is seriously flawed to me. How is he even alive? What did he do for all those years until he became a grown man?

The fact that I despise Jason Voorhees should have been the first clue that I would not enjoy the remake--because although the original did not feature Jason, the remake sees it fit to give the original killer- Mrs. Voorhees about 1 minute of screen time. When I first saw the previews for this remake I jumped out of my seat in anger at the fact that A. Jason was the killer and B. he was wearing his hockey mask. But then I realized that I hate those movies and sat back down. Needless to say I almost fell asleep while watching the remake but I attribute this to the fact that modern day remakes of 80s slasher movies are pointless and demeaning- and I just really hate Jason Voorhees.

This remake was good in intentions I think--if you are a die hard fan of the Friday the 13th Series. The director, Marus Nispel wanted to take elements he thought the fans would most like to see re done. Which I suppose warrants a nod to the first 4 films in the series. We get the first movie in 1 minute- a burlap sack Jason in the next 23 minutes, and the hockey mask jason for the last bit. Now as someone who hasn't watched any of the sequels since my sophomore year of High School I can't really embellish my thoughts on how the remake lives up to the bits and pieces of those sequels that it nods it's hat to-so, instead I will just tell you what I think plan and simple.

To begin with-the first 23 minutes may have been the most pointless bit of crap I have ever seen. I understand that without that bit, our main hero character- guy from Supernatural- would have no purpose of being there- but did it really have to go on for 23 minutes? There is no need to introduce a full story line and full cast of douche bags for the "first kill". In fact, I was more startled that the title credits rolled after that beginning- instead of the end credits. And then to find after those horrid 23 minutes- that we had to be introduced to even MORE douche bags-gah kill me now.

The rest of the movie is forgettable, boring and has way too much gratuitous sex and boobies. Apparently Michael Bay walked out of the screening because he thought there was way too much sex- which is kind of saying something. I know that slasher movies had largely to do with sex- but since when did modernized versions of 80s slasher movies have to seem like we were watching a horrible soft core porn? I'm sick of these "young" and "average" girls having the fakest boobs I have ever seen- I'm sick of horror movies putting on these peep shows so that teenage boys can whack off in their basement. Sex scenes like that- and failed popstar's wake-boarding topless- are what continues to give horror a bad name. It's insulting and why I find it so difficult to convince people that horror movies don't have to involve the word BOOBS.

Ahem. Anyways. One of the really big problems I have with the character of Jason is that his motives are way off. If his main motive is to finish his mother's work by killing all the camp counselors- why is he just going off killing random people? It just doesn't work for me. Sure I guess he could just have compromised with his mother somewhere- and changed the goal to just be "kill anyone that has sex" or something but not everyone is having sex. With that being said what is the point of even having that opening segment with Mrs. Voorhees if Jason isn't actually carrying out his mother's wishes? It's flawed I tell you! FLAWED!

So what did Friday the 13th do that would have most horror fans pleased? My guess is better kills, better gore, better Jason. But since I hate Jason- I was not pleased. Sure he's less heavy and mindless- but he's still boring as fuck to me. And speaking of fuck why does it seem like the swearing in this movie comes in a close 2nd to The Devil's Rejects? Oh I know because teenagers have to like this movie- so we need excessive swearing, excessive boobs, and excessive douche baggery that involves stupid drinking games and weed.

Bottom line- Friday the 13th is not a good movie. Semi decent remake for those who feel connected to the originals but for everyone else it's just a slow ride to snoozeville. Hilariously awful things to watch out for; the fact that the slut in the beginning is against someone listening to her sex session + becomes a PRUDE when moments before she was topless behind the back of her sex partner's friend and squeezing oil or water or some other liquid over her enormous and fake tatas. Also, not only do we get our token black character- but we get a token asian character as well...BONUS! And finally- do guys seriously consider masterbating in other peopel's living rooms to L.L. Bean catalogues?

I guess it's a sad thought to think that kids years and years from now will look back on this movie as that classic camp slasher movie and laugh at how silly the generation was- sort of how we look back at the generation in 80s slashers and think how awfully cheesy it all was. But basically I just keep coming back to this same question- why are these movies being remade? Remaking a bad, or not as cherished movie fine fine do it and good luck. But what is so wrong with wanting to hold on to a classic bit of slasher history that isn't tainted by fake boobs and douche bags? And if you HAVE to remake it- at least try to do something new and refreshing that doesn't suck (see The Hills Have Eyes and The Last House on the Left for more details) Sigh. I miss the old Mrs. Voorhees... now that woman had gumption.

Buy Friday the 13th at Horror Movie Empire


Chuck Conry said...

I really wanted to like this movie but it just seemed to be a compilation of the first 10 or so films lol

Basically if you've seen one Friday you've seen them all.

Evil Dave said...

I like heavy mindless jason - he is a force of nature. That said, Friday the 13th is the MacDonald's of horror franchises. The formula is the same throughout. There is one in which he fights a psychic chick, which is awesome. Another you find out that he was twins. What? This series has issues.

Really the first one is the most unique. The mom as killer is a classic twist. Jason has come to represent the franchise so that people are surprised after watching the first one.

So why spoil a good thing by remaking it to be just as formulaic as the rest? Bad studios. No cookie.

Matt-suzaka said...

I like it for what it was...a mediocre Slasher film and nothing else. I am one of the few and I don't blame anyone that is not a fan of the series to begin with to enjoy a remake.

I love the Friday films, but they are the junk food of horror cinema (kinda like Igor just said)...there are a few solid films in the mix, but in general, they are entertainingly bad. I love them so!

Great review and at least you gave it a shot.

Pax Romano said...

Loved this review - I've said it before and I'll say it again: The remake of F13 makes the original look like Citizen Kane!

You are so right about the The Mrs. Voorhees connection ... uh, Jason is there, in the woods watching his mother avenge his death, wha? Excuse me, he is not dead after all? At least in the original, the Jason jumping out of the lake could have been considered a dream.

Ah whatever, a total piece of tripe.

B-Movie Becky said...

I'm in love with the Friday movies, so I guess we're on different playing field with this one. I loved the "remake," even though it's not really a remake. It's really just a reboot of the series for a new generation. It's a 2000's interpretation of the 80's slasher and I'm a fan, but I guess I can understand where you're coming from :P

JLG said...

When the first group of idiots was introduced, and then killed, and then we're introduced to a whole 'nother group of idiots I just turned it off. I guess I missed out on the topless wakeboarding...

The Mike said...

Not a fan of the series as more than laughable diversions, and thus I thought this one fit right in.

I did like the "stoner Jude Law" character in the first group.

Dod said...

Still haven't seen this remake - it's down in the 100's on my Netflix queue, though. As for the original series, a couple of the films were fun, but I tended to gravitate towards the Nightmare on Elm Street movies.

Yeah, I can see some executive sitting in a room telling the writers, "You know what kids want these days? Boobs." "But we need to develop the..." "Booooobs!" *puffs on cigar*

Oh, well.

But another great review, Andre :)

Andre Dumas said...

It's funny how it's so evenly split between likes and dislikes! I love it--and Dod I am a NIghtmare on Elm Street Gal too!!

the jaded viewer said...

To have seen the originals during the 80s and 90s definitely turned the series into mythic status. You had to rely on a copy of Fangoria to get the scoop.

The remake was totally crappy and I hated every minute of it. But for the first 3 of the series,sure they are cheesy but when you only got half a dozen horror flicks released theatrically back in the day, you thought Jason was awesome.

Anonymous said...

Jason was never fulfilling his mothers goal-other than kill so many people noone ever opens a camp there again. However, as noted, the mother's motives make no sense. If Jason didn't die, why is momout to kill. That was an issue the original # 2 had as well...