Friday, November 27, 2009

Satan's Pimpdom is Exposed!; The Top 5 Spawn of Satan.

After watching several devil themed movies as of late- it has been brought to my attention that the Devil certainly gets around. He is a pimp of all trades- so much baby mama drama and so many babies with some serious Daddy issues. So join me in celebrating some of the Devil's most notorious children.

5. Little Nicky

I have never seen this movie and don't plan to. However when this movie came out I personally decided that I hated him since he had the same kind of puffy blue coat that I had. Despite the coat's obvious warmth I vowed never to wear it again for fear of being called Little Nicky. The only thing I know about this movie is that Adam Sandler is the Devil's favorite son....which pretty much makes the Devil lose any or all credit that he ever had. Bad luck I'm afraid.

4. The Witches of Eastwick Babies

Why procreate just once when you have the option to inject your sperm into 3 beautiful women (eh Cher is debatable) and have them all be pregnant at the same time! That is exactly the kind of resourcefulness and quick thinking I appreciate in a man and in the Devil. Jack Nicholson knows how to get his devilish spawn out there- and he even knows how to contact them from the beyond. Using TVs! Who knows if these babies will grow up to carry Satan's legacy- for now they're just working on their rolling skills in their baby rolling chairs/walkers/rollerskates.

3. Rosemary's Baby

His Eyes!! What have you done to his eyes!!! The Devil really turned up his game with this one. He tricked a pathetic man into giving him his wife for a good old fashioned drugged up raping. And so began the pregnancy of Rosemary and the eventual reclaiming of yet another spawn of Satan. I think it's safe to say that this little devil is going places- what with the enormous support from the cult of devil worshippers, how can he go wrong? It seems that even his poor mother is willing to trade her dignity and distaste of warm climates in order to provide a teat for the devil to suck on. How sweet. He even gets a black basinet- instant pimpdom!

2. Damien

Probably the most successful of the Devil's spawn, Damien achieved his path to greatness with the aide of his creepy Nanny and pet dog. He achieved what the book of revelations predicted and so begins the reign of the Devil. Congratulations to you Damien.

1. Mady Gosselin

This may seem out of place to many of you- but I am taking this list very seriously and to me Mady Gosselin is the ultimate spawn of Satan. She's the worst human being I've ever encountered. When Jon and Kate (RIP Jon and Kate's marriage) talk about Mady they use words like "difficult" and "free-spirited" which as we all know are just other words for THE DEVIL. I also recall a particularly moving episode where they talked about the fact that Mady doesn't like going to church...aka SHE'S THE DEVIL. Anyone who disagrees with me can, but I will debate this until my dying day. She hits her siblings, pretends to be all nice and hilarious in front of the camera, kicks balloons for no reason and constantly insults her nicer, more angelic sister Cara. What a bitch.


raculfright13 said...

lol at #1!!

Anonymous said...

Holy hilarious at #1. Little Nicky is bad in an oh so good way. If you are a fan of heavy metal, you'll probably like it even more. The showdown w/ Ozzy Osbourne at the end is cinematic genius.

Andre said...

Damn I am not into metal...looks like I will never be able to appreciate the bad/good parable of Little Nicky : (

Jen said...

Love it! Does that mean that Jon Gosslin is Satan?

Andre said...

Hmmmmm I'm not sure- he is basically the Devil but he also gave birth to Cara who is the archangel so I dont know! I think it's safe to say Mady must have been switched at birth or something ala The Omen style.

Matt-suzaka said...

Love the number 1 pick! I always considered Kate to be the biggest bitch in history, so I can see where Mady gets it from! She knows she's the cutest one of the 8 and so uses it to her advantage...what a jerk.

Andre Dumas said...

Matt I am on team KATE....hahah but no she really is a super bitch but the funny thing is Jon is one too. SO I think Mady got the best of both words--and also during one night of friskiness the devil slipped in and god and one sperm led to Mady the other to Cara--

...which is entirely possible btw because they are fraternal twins and I once saw on a CSI that fraternal twins can be made by 2 different people's sperm!! CSI is my guidebook to life.

Matt-suzaka said...

Heh...instead of team Edward and team Jacob, we could have team Jon and team Kate! I'm on neither!

Andre Dumas said...

Well I have sensitive women feelings so I'm on team Kate. Plus Jon is the biggest douche bag this side of the world...a problem easily solved by getting him bigger diamond studs....not