Hatchet has been met both with disdain and excitement across the board. While I can appreciate campy slasher movies (obviously since I rate Sleepaway Camp on my top 10 list) Hatchet just did not make me love my life as a horror fan. It bore so much resemblance to 2001 Maniacs and yet I loved 2001 Maniacs- so don't try to tell me it's because I don't enjoy those kinds of movies.
Hatchet centers around a haunted swap tour who's boat capsizes and leaves the occupants stranded in the Louisiana Bayou, supposedly in the area of a unearthly and urban legend inducing killer, Victor Crowley. Victor who is deformed and died a horrible death hunts and brutally kills anyone he comes in contact with. The tour group finds their numbers diminishing as Victor Crowley unleashes his deformed, nasty overall angst on everyone.
I guess my main problem stems from the fact that I found the entire movie to be pretty useless. There was nothing new and exciting here to me and my mind wandered...all the way to my Ipod touch where I played Yahtzee (on a side note I fucking rule at Yahtzee). Let's see.. an urban legend is actually true, people are idiots, killer kills blah blah blah. The gore was pretty gruesome but still nothing stuck out to me. Even in 2001 Maniacs where I would say the gore was on the same level more or less- I found myself actually loving it. The part where the blood splatters the women's umbrellas for instance was great! But in Hatchet I found close to zero of those kinds of moments.
Even the jokes were sub par for a campy slasher film. Sweaty ball jokes and calling someone some funny name for a dick are funny maybe one time. The two porn star girls were awful and not in a oh they are being bad actors on purpose kind of way it was just one big eye roll after another. Despite the fact that Amanda from Addams Family Values (and I think the first one where she plays the girl scout)
shows her boobs every 5 seconds, I just really did not love it.
I guess what I'm trying to voice is that Hatchet wasn't very fun for me. It's not that I'm trying to find meaning or "beautiful blood" moments it just comes down to the fact that I wasn't entertained.- even with a double cameo of Robert Englund and Tony Todd! I hated everyone- especially the main guy who I'm pretty sure was the annoying robot voice guy from Grandma's Boy who was also a giant pain in my ass. I just found there to be no redeeming factors. It was just- boring. The movie ended up becoming a giant game of Where's Victor Crowley now? And what is up with that ending? It was like the ultimate blue balls horror moment.
Bah. So in closing I guess this puts me on the "hated it" side of the Hatchet debate and I just can't understand where all the hype is coming from. I've heard that I must watch Spiral so I will do that and hopefully feel better. Ha I also love that Hatchet poster- Victor Crowley is the next icon of horror??! Yeah right.
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